Here. In My Head.

Birthday Extravaganza: The Aftermath

2006-11-13T21:50:00.000-05:00

So my 28th Birthday has come and gone. It was four solid days and nights of eating, boozing and socializing with almost all of my friends. Thanks to everyone who had a hand in making Birthday Extravaganza 3 highly successful. I also want to say thanks and I love you to my twin sister. It was awesome seeing you this weekend and as usual, I loved spending every minute of our joint birthdays together!

There were no major incidents this year. Well, no lesbians were sent to the hospital anyway. (Yes, at BE1 I sent a lesbian to the hospital with chest contusions. Apparently a bear hug from this bear cub is more dangerous than anyone ever knew.)

On to other news. I got a new job bitches!!! I'm OUT!!! OMG, it feels SO FUCKING GOOD to write that. I'm moving out of the financial industry to a job that is very much like social work. Without giving away to much about the new job, I'll be helping the children of low-income families. I start the new job the Monday after Thanksgiving.

It is a slightly bittersweet moment to be moving on to a new job. I have made some amazing friends at my current job and will be sad to leave them. In many ways, it really does feel like I've been parolled and I'm leaving all my bitches behind bars to finish up their time. Good luck kids and watch that soap in the shower. You know they never use lube when they fuck you!

The new job is a pay-raise, in addition to being a complete departure from anything I've done in my career thus far. I'm looking forward to the new challenges and to seeing first hand how the work I am doing benefits the lives of others. I'm sure in a year or so I'll be complaining about this new job too. Nature of the beast I guess.

Not much else is going on with me lately. I am working out with a personal trainer twice a week now. I try to go two or three more times to the gym outside of our sessions. The diet is still a struggle, but I'm on the right path toward happiness with my physical appearance. My goal right now is 20 lbs gone. I really want to look better than I ever have when we go to Australia and New Zealand next March.

I've never seriously worked-out before and never did any weight training. My body is sore in new and different places almost every day. But, like the saying goes: no pain, no gain. With BE3 behind us, I am going to tone down my social outings too. Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts! If you hear me making excuses to not go to the gym, kick me in the ass and send me packing.

Update

2006-11-05T15:11:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update. Big things are happening for me right now. I don't want to write about it just yet, but hopefully by Wednesday I'll have exciting news.

Oh, and if I get around to it, I'll have a political post for this week too. I've been thinking about it for a couple weeks now.

Finally, birthday extravaganza celebrations have officially begun. The main events start Thursday and run through Sunday. You have been warned.

I love New York

2006-10-30T21:42:00.000-05:00

This blog is a week over-due. Sorry, but our trip to NYC really kicked my butt. I spent all last week trying to catch-up on sleep from roughly 72 hours of insanity.

Chris and I kicked off the trip in style. And by style, I mean Greyhound. Only the best for us! We got to the city around 8 and split up to meet up with various friends. I met up with my friend Rob and hung out at his place. Can I just tell you that Rob is one of the sweetest people on earth? He bought me the new Tori box set!! I was shocked. I absolutely love the box set, so if you are a Tori fan, I highly recommend it.

We showered and changed and then met up with Nick over at his place to pre-game. From there, we went out all over town. If I remember correctly, we started out at Urge, then headed to Eastern Bloc and ended the night back in Chelsea at Barracuda.

Let's go back to Eastern Bloc for a minute. I am pretty sure I fell in love there. The bar is this tiny little space, so small I'd be amazed if you can cram 50 or 60 people in there. Yet, they have enough room for a pole and go-go dancers.

I don't know why, but strippers and "dancers" make me uncomfortable. I feel like I shouldn't be looking at them, or that I am some dirty pervert or something. I have no clue why I feel this way, I just do. Usually, I'll just stand to the back of the crowd and observe from a distance.
When we got into the bar, I saw the dancer and my eyes just glossed over him. Standard twink with a nice body and skimpy underwear. Typical. A short while later, the dancers changed and the man of my dreams took to the pole. He was maybe 5'8" or 5'9", dark hair shaved close to his scalp, built body, but not overly sculpted, with a hairy chest and a leather jock strap, all man. Ugh, I almost melted.

For the next half an hour (as near as I can approximate), I was mesmerized by this dancer. My friends were possibly talking to me through all of this, but I have no clue. The rest of the world ceased to exist while he was working that pole. And I do mean working the pole.

Finally, I started feeling guilty for staring at him so much and not tiping him at all. I worked up the courage to approach him and slip a bill into his jock. I waited until he had his back turned to the crowd and made my move. I slipped what turned out to be a $10 into his jock and quickly went back to my spot away from the stage.

The dancer turned around and saw me leaving, then grabbed the bill and saw what I tipped him. He motioned for me to come back up, but there was no way I was going up there. I hate being in the spotlight as it is. Much less with this man who makes me weak in the knees right in front of me! In typical fashion the girls were yelling at me to get up there. The best comment came from none other than Chris. "Girl, for $10 you better go up there and at least jiggle his balls." Classy.

After he finished his time on the pole, I saw him standing back by the DJ. I used this as a chance to go and speak to him. I went up, and in true drunk Bernie fashion, told him I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He was actually quite humble and thought that I was just running lines on him. I assured him I wasn't and that I don't typical give dancers a $1, let alone a $10. He thanked me for my compliments and gave me a quick kiss. Shit, the world could have ended right at that moment and I would have died a happy man.

The rest of the night was typical Mean Girl drunk fun. The next day Chris, Nick and I spent together just the three of us. It was awesome to spend some quality time together and really catch up on our lives. It was long overdue. That night, Joey, aka Josefina, came into town for a night of dancing. We started at a house party our friends Nik & Jordan threw. From there, we headed off to Crobar to hear Tom Stephan spin.

It has been ages since I was at a straight dance club. That night reminded me why it has been so long. At least half of the guys in the club clearly took their fashion cues from the "Growing Up Gotti" boys. I don't know how the floor wasn't slimy with gel by the end of the night. And why do straight guys feel the need to be aggressive toward each other for no reason? I saw at least two "almost fights" on the dance floor. Regardless, we had a great time and danced for five hours non-stop.

The next day, we woke up late, had lunch and then started drinking. There were many obstacles to us getting home that night. Including, a failed car rental and a train delayed by nearly two hours. We finally pulled into Union Station at 2 AM. I was close to just coming straight to my office, since I only work one block away. But, my bed was calling my name, even if I'd only spend three hours in bed before getting up for work.

The rest of the week was spent trying to catch up on all the missing sleep from the weekend. Thank God for the extra hour this weekend. It was much needed!

Take control

2006-10-18T15:27:00.000-04:00

Another long stretch of time between this and my past update. Its not that I haven't had things to say, I just haven't had the motivation to put them up here. Well, today I have the motivation. Boy do I ever have the motivation. Hope you are ready for a long post. I'll try to keep it light and entertaining though.

My job is killing me. Slowly but surely, I'm positive it is sucking the life right out of me. But, I am FINALLY taking steps in the right direction to change this.

Last week I was in a training class for three days on project management. I went into the class dreading it, certain that it was going to be extremely dry and boring. Miracle of miracles though, it wasn't boring. In fact, I was attentive and interested in the class for the entire three days. I realized that not only was project management interesting to me, I was good at doing it.

So, I've looked into it and found a school in the city that offers a reputable Masters program in Project Management. I'm going tonight to an information session on the program, and will hopefully start the process to get back to school. It is going to take a little time, but it will all be worth it in the end. Hopefully, I will one day have a job in project management, a job that doesn't put me to sleep every day, or make me leave the office ready to punch a hole in a wall because I was forced to take customer phone calls all afternoon.

That is only the beginning of the recent "Take Back My Life Campaign 06". I also joined a local gym a few weeks ago. I joined a gym that a few of the other girls already attend, partially in the hopes that they will be extra motivation for me to go regularly. Last week I went three times. That is huge for me. Of course, this week I've found excuses to get out of going. My only saving grace is that I have three sessions with a personal trainer to schedule. I'll feel much better about going to the gym after I meet with someone who can show me exactly how to achieve the goals I've set for myself.

I know it isn't going to happen overnight, but I already feel better about myself for just having started back at the gym. On top of "TBMLC'06", I somehow found myself on two dates with two different men in the last week. The first "date", and I use the word in the broadest sense of the term, was not to be a date at all. At least I didn't think so. After chatting online for a few days, we decided to meet up one evening to, ah well, "exchange pleasantries" as it were.

At the appropriate time, I showed up at his place, was invited in and offered a drink. So far so good. He excused himself to shower as he had returned from running some errands. No big deal. He then returned the living room and we sat on the couch and started chatting. For the next hour and a half. OK, I am not saying that he should have dropped to his knees immediately after opening the door, but come on. Not once in our chats did we have anything approaching actual conversation. At least I pray to God that he doesn't consider "woof" and "grrrr" to be conversation pieces.

The conversation itself didn't even bother me. At first. We discussed the typical things in the first ten minutes. Then things got weird. He pointed out all of his relatives in the pictures on his coffee table. Ok, sweet but unnecessary. Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say sons? And that was followed by grandson??? Uh, OK. I suppose I should mention that he is only 42 before anyone assume that I'm pulling an Anna Nicole. He mentioned an ex, then quickly backed up to clarify that by ex he meant former. Former because his partner was killed in the line of duty a year ago. Awesome. There went any remaining arousal I had.

From there the conversation only went down-hill and got progressively weird. Fine examples of this include the existential question lightning round and telling me that a palm reader said he will have two more kids while looking at me as if his stare would impregnate me like the Virgin Mary in Renaissance paintings. Umm, can we say too much??? Yes, exactly my thoughts.

As I was sitting there trying to think of an excuse to leave, hoping that ANYONE would call my phone (Hello? AT&T? Why yes, I AM interested in hearing about your long distance plans), I was saved by the bell. His daughter called to let him know she was on her way over with his grandson. Oops, too bad. Looks like I need to leave. Immediately. Needless to say I have not spoken to this man since.

The other person I met seemed decent enough. We chatted online one Friday evening, and everything was completely g-rated and non-sexual. We continued to chat for a few more nights before we progressed to nightly phone calls.

After a few nights of talking on the phone, we agreed to meet in person. We decided to get together Saturday afternoon. I let him decide on the activity. He chose to go apple/pumpkin picking out at a farm in Front Royal, VA. I had to give him points for originality. We had over an hour in the car to chat and get to know each other better.

The apple picking itself was more fun than I thought. When we've done it at my parents, we just always are picking up the apples off the ground. At this farm we got this long pole with a basket-type thing at the top. After a few tries, I was already and expert. You can take the boy out of the country, but apparently can't take the country out of the boy.

After we left the farm, we decided to head to a nearby winery for a wine sampling and made a light dinner. Funniest part of this is that he gave up drinking months ago, for weight-loss. Yeah, I had him splitting a bottle of wine with me less than a half an hour after we got there. I never said that I was a good influence!

We left the winery and headed back to the highway. We stopped at a cute little country restaurant for some down-home cooking. The drive back was so miserable. We were both tired and full from dinner and the wine. All either of us wanted was a nap!

By the time we got back to the city, I knew that it wouldn't be happening with he and I. I had a great time and all, but I just didn't feel any kind of spark. I helped him carry all his purchases up to his apartment and then said good night. I think he was planning to have me hang out there longer, but I didn't want to mislead him.

We have been playing phone tag ever since. This is the part of dating I really can't stand. Here is this really sweet guy, who came up with a totally original first date, and I have to tell him I am just not interested.

This is why I don't date. It always ends up with someone being hurt. Even if it is just a little, it isn't fun for anyone. I know, you can't have a rose without the thorns, blah blah, cliché.

One day I'll meet someone worth opening up to. One day I'll drop my defenses and allow someone access to all of me. Until that time, I'll continue living my life for me and trying to be the best friend/brother/son/student I can be.

Lust (aka Bear Camping)

2006-10-01T17:15:00.000-04:00

Damn did I have a good time camping last weekend. I had no clue what to expect from this weekend. Jim has been telling me about it for over a year, but a couple stories don't quite live up to the real thing.

I left Friday afternoon and met Jonathan and Michael (two bear friends of Jim and his boyfriend) out at Silver Spring metro. We jumped on the road, and drove for what felt like days. Four hours later and we finally arrived at the camp grounds. By the time we arrived, it was dark, so I couldn't get a feel for the whole camp.

We went to Jim and Patrick's tent, where they had set-up air mattresses for all of us. Oh yes, their tent is big enough for five bears, and there is a power box at each camp site, so we all had air mattresses to sleep on. This was definitely not the same kind of camping I knew back in my days as a Boy Scout.

After setting down our bags, Jim started making drinks for everyone. After we all got a drink in us, we headed up to the main house to mingle with everyone else. The other campers were interesting to say the least. Most of them were in the 30-50 age range I'd say. Some of the guys were H-O-T, like fire. Of course, I felt like a kid in a candy store. I'll have one of those, two of those and just give me the entire box of that.

We stayed there for a few hours, then everyone headed off to bed. The next day we drove into the neighboring town and went to the Wal-Mart. And I thought that where I live is country. Boy was I mistaken. We made it back to the camp grounds in time for the hot dog roast at the main house. We all headed over to eat and mingle. After an hour or so, everyone went in different directions, leaving me alone. I stayed there, just people watching. After a few minutes, a very naked man came over, trying to get me to strip down. Oh, did I mention that this is a clothing optional camp-site? Yeah, it wasn't going to happen. I politely thanked him and then explained that I had no problems with nudity, but was not about to strip down. Come on, it is a struggle for me to get shirtless at the Lantern!

Regardless, it was a nice feeling to have someone that persistent about seeing me nude. Strange, but nice. I finally headed back to the tent for an afternoon nap. Next thing I know it is 8 PM and we are getting up for dinner in town. After dinner, we came back to the main house for the big party that night. Everyone headed off to bead around midnight, but I stayed up. I'll be damned if I drove four hours to the woods of PA to go to bed early! I ended up making friends with this big group of guys all hanging out. Most were there with their partners. They were good guys and I had fun talking with them.

The party finally ended around 2:30 AM. Now, I am not one to share all of my after-hours activities so to speak, but this is too great not to share. At the camp-grounds, there was one spot that everyone would go to for some "late-night political discourse" as it were. I went there, hoping to find someone to engage in a heated debate, of sorts. I went in and started discoursing with one gentleman, when a second came up and joined us. Then a third, then a fourth, then a fifth. At this point, I looked down and saw five different men "debating" me at the same time. I almost passed out from the thought of it. Never have I had that many people paying attention to me at one time.

After a few minutes of that, I left with one gentleman for a little one on one debate session. Needless to say, I didn't make it back to my own tent until 7 AM the next morning. Good times. That next morning we got up around 9 and started packing up to head home. Of course the minute we have the tent broken down is when it starts down-pouring. That part was not so much fun. Thankfully it only lasted a few minutes and we were able to get everything packed up in the cars without getting completely soaked.

I already told Jim he can count on me coming back at least twice next summer. I was definitely in my element out there in the woods. Grrrr.

so excited

2006-10-01T16:52:00.000-04:00

There is a post coming all about Bear camping from last weekend, but before that, I need to tell all about my trip to see Janet on the Today show. Thursday night I left work and went straight to Union Station to meet up with my sister Lindsey. We jumped on Amtrak for a train to Penn Station in NYC.

We got up there around 7:30, with just enough time to buy our tickets for a quick trip out to Long Island. Lindsey is competing in the Miss MD pageant for the Miss USA pageant. She has coaches who live on Long Island. They are making her gown this year and needed to do a fitting. We got out there around 9 and went straight to their house. We spent a few hours with them (these are the same ones were went to Aruba with this year) and they fitted her gown. I think she will look even more beautiful this year, if that is possible.

We left their place at 1:30 AM and headed back to the train station to catch a train back into the city. We got back to Penn Station around 3:15 AM and took a cab from there to Rockefeller Center. When we got there, we found the line and there were already at least 80 people ahead of us. We spent the next few hours praying for it not to rain and for the time to pass quickly.

Around 5 AM, my friend Nic and his boyfriend Jordan showed up. They live in Chelsea and Nic is a huge Janet fan as well. Jordan claimed to know someone who worked security for the Today show, so he was going to try and get us VIP access. I was skeptical at best. Finally at 7:30, Jordan pulled us out of the general access line and over to a VIP line. I was thinking the whole time that if it didn't work out, I'd kill Jordan. I didn't stay up all night to miss seeing Janet!

By this time, they were letting the general access line into the plaza, but not the VIP line. Finally at 8:15 they let us into the building. We waited there a few minutes and I saw Meredith getting ready to go on air. She is very pretty in person, but a lot more wrinkles than I expected. Matt on the other hand was fine as fuck in person. Were I not consumed with craze at being moments away from seeing Janet, I definitely would have attacked him right then and there.

We finally got out to the Plaza, after being issued our VIP passes, and we were literally feet away from the stage. I was dying. We turned to look behind us and the general access people were at least 60 feet behind us. Jordan's friend came through! Finally Janet took the stage and I about died. She performed three songs, looked and sounded amazing, and did a short Q&A of fan submitted questions. It was so fucking awesome. It was over and done with in the blink of an eye, but so worth it.

After the concert, Lindsey and I said good-bye to Nic and Jordan. We called my friend Rob and met him for a minute outside of his office, right beside Rockefeller Center. From there we jumped in a cab and headed back to Penn Station. By noon we were already on our way back to DC. We got back around 3:30 and came to my apartment. We turned on the Tivo and checked the tape. Sure enough, you can see me on TV! When they interviewed Dane Cook, before Janet took the stage, you can see my head, right over Al's! There were a bunch of shots of them panning the crowds when you can see all four of us as well. Here is a picture from my camera phone, so you can see just how close we were to the stage.

All in all, it was an amazing twenty-four hours. In that short time, we went to and from New York, visited friends in Long Island, and saw most of my friends in the City, not to mention seeing Janet! AHHH!!! It still gets me all giddy just thinking about it.

Look Sexy, Talk Dirty

2006-09-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

For the last few years, I've been making mix CDs of all the latest shit, mostly for myself. Then I started handing them out to my dance instructors (I took hip-hop dance classes, four times a week for two years. I really miss Ali and Matt, my instructors!) and some of my fellow students. It was always the hottest shit on pop/hip-hop/r&b radio.

Now that I have my own computer with high speed internet, I've been making CDs again. At the end of August I think I made one of the hottest CDs I've made, "Look Sexy, Talk Dirty". I handed it out to a few of my friends. Then word started spreading. I gave it to one of my bartender friend's at JR's. Suddenly other JR's bartenders were asking for it. People at work were coming up to my desk, people I don't even know nor have never met, asking me for a copy of the CD.

I was a little blown away. I don't do anything magical with my CDs. They aren't mixed, although I do put thought into the track list. I don't produce any of it. All I do is download it and burn it. Yet, I'm loving the fact that so many people are jamming out to a CD that I put together! It is such a compliment to have strangers asking me for a copy!

Speaking of music, only six more days until my girls Janet and Tori release their new CDs. I have already heard the entire Janet album and I LOVE IT! It is a true return to form for her. If you are a Janet fan at all, do yourself a favor and check out "Do It 2 Me" when the album drops next week.

Bitch

2006-09-20T22:05:00.000-04:00

Turns out, I'm a bitch, even in my own dreams. I've been a total slacker in posting about this. Friday night I went out on a total gay DC bar crawl. From the start at happy hour until almost 2 AM, I hit Titan, JR's, Remington's and the Eagle. It was a great night out with some great old friends and some new ones.

I came home around 2 (alone, thank you very much!) and passed out. Or so I think. I woke up the next morning and realized that I'd had one of the best sex dreams of my life! First, the other guy looked like Rodrigo Santoro, particularly him in "Love Actually". This guy was HOT. One other little tiny thing. Apparently, in my dream, he was straight and dating my former friend Spotted C. In the dream I totally seduced Rodrigo, partly because he was hot, partly because I could (what with my irresistible sex appeal), but mostly because I wanted to fuck over Spotted C. Can we say vindictive bitch? I was actually amazed at how callous and mean-spirited I could be, even if it was in a dream! Meh, what can you do? It was only a dream, right??

The rest of the weekend was relatively tame, compared to Friday anyway. I spent Saturday and part of Sunday out with my family. Now that I am not living there any more, I can really appreciate them and love spending time with them again.

On Friday, I'm going to my first Bear Camping weekend with my friend Jim, his boyfriend and a couple of their friends. I haven't been camping since I was in Boy Scouts in high school. I'm looking forward to it though. Apparently, our camp site has electric outlets (for charging my iPod because God forbid I spend ONE WEEKEND without music!), and we are all sleeping on air mattresses. Definitely not the same kind of camping I experienced fifteen years ago! Well, that and all the BEARS! I'm sure there will be plenty to tell, and even more that will never leave the woods!

Has your salad been tossed?

2006-09-20T21:51:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a few days behind on this, but it is too funny.

Make It Happen

2006-09-10T12:13:00.000-04:00

I saw Mariah Carey on Thursday night at the Verizon Center. She was awesome. Her voice sounded beautiful and she hit all those "so high only dogs can hear them" notes. One more diva I can cross of my list. Now, if only Kylie would plan even a few tour dates in the US. Speaking of, BBCAmerica aired her Showgirl concert and also an interview special from this summer discussing her cancer. She looked really great and I'm glad that she recovered. Watching her discuss her treatments reminded me of how thankfully I am that I never had to go through chemo or radiation.

I should probably apologize now for the random directions this blog is about to head into. I just have had a couple things in my head that I need to get out. First, please for the love of God, stop trying to force me to find someone. I don't know why, but this week my single status has come up in conversation. A lot. Do I want to be in a relationship? Yes. Am I a little jealous of the relationships my best friends all have? Yes, a little. But, I know that if/when it happens it will be right for me. When I am ready. Let me repeat that, when I am ready.

For future reference, picking out some random guy in the bar that you think is perfect for me is not acceptable behavior. All you have done is make me feel like some cow you are trying to sell at market, and to the guy you are introducing me to, I seem pathetic. Thanks. I don't understand why I can't go out with my friends and just have a good time without someone, one well-intentioned person in particular, trying to find me a man.

Now, a completely different topic. We all remember Chester, right? Great. So, since that fateful night in May, we chat over company email from time to time. It is always basic and almost only about music. I make sure to not open up too much about my personal life, other than the standard "I had a great weekend. How was yours" bullshit. That all suddenly changed this week.
We have been chatting back and forth about some of the new music that is coming out (the new Justin Timberlake in particular. Can't wait for his album to drop on Tuesday). Out of the blue, Chester starts telling me all about how he ran into some ex the other day and about this crazy girl who has been stalking him over email. I read it all and then had to close the email. With that one email, he had suddenly taken me back two years. I was sitting there reading all his issues with women, trying to help him, secretly wishing that he would love me instead. Not gonna lie, I kinda had a little mental freak-out.

I waited a few hours and then wrote him back. Completely ignoring the huge paragraph about his relationship woes. He wrote me back the next day, AGAIN talking about women blah blah. I sat on that email for a couple hours, pondering how to proceed. Obviously, he was looking for some kind of comment from me.

I decided that ignoring it wouldn't work, so I tackled it head on. I wrote him back with a couple quips about his shitty love-life etc. Then I told him that it was really strange and a bit much for him to be talking to me about that shit. We only started talking again recently and I am totally not prepared for that kind of friendship with him. I let him know that I thought it was great that he feels he can open up to me, but to definitely not expect the same from me. There is no way in hell I'm ever letting him in close enough to hurt me again. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me.

He wrote me back and apologized for bringing all of that up to me. He said that he even thought that it might be too much, but he hates just having surface talks with people. The sad thing is, part of me still does want to open up to him again. For as fucked up as I KNOW he is, he was a great person to talk to. I can't go back to that place with him again though. And I won't.

I guess this is what I get for trying to be the bigger person and put the past behind us. Told you this post was going to be all over the place.

Mashed potatos, gravy and cranberry sauce!

2006-09-05T21:24:00.000-04:00

Watch this and try not to piss your pants laughing. I dare you.

Ring the alarm . . .

2006-09-01T15:53:00.000-04:00

Because I was on fire last night! I don't know what was in the air, but somehow I found myself in "the zone". I achieved that perfect balance of intoxication, wit and raw sexual energy. I got to the bar a little early and was alone, waiting for Chris to show up. I started feeling a little self-conscious, but told myself fuck it, I'm here to get drunk with my friends, not to win a beauty contest.

As the night wore on, I maintained a healthy buzz and started scanning the room, as a single boy is prone to do. That's when the eye sex started. My first victim, er uh target, was a cute former co-worker of another lady in our group. The eye sex with him went on for at least an hour. At one point we ended up in the bathroom, but no bitches, nothing happened. I'm classier than that! I waited outside the door for him and we chatted for a few moments. Maybe a few kisses were exchanged, but nothing too disgusting. Digits were exchanged and then we parted ways.

Over the rest of the night, there were two boys I engaged in the eye sex. I even grew so bold as to approach and speak to one of them. I just felt so confident and sexy for some reason. Maybe it is the beard. I always seem to do better with catching eyes when I have facial hair. Thank God I can grow a beard in less time than it takes for a pizza to be delivered.

Oh, and just so the record is clear, I did go home alone thank you very much. What a difference a few years make. The first time I lived alone in Dupont, I definitely would have had company after a night like last night! I did, however, stop in 7-11 on my way home. Maybe I had a craving for some taquitos and a lunchable. Shut up! It is my drunk food of choice for some unknown reason.

la tortura

2006-08-30T16:06:00.000-04:00

Last night I went to Verizon Center with my girl Emily to see Wyclef Jean and Shakira. What a great fucking concert!

First though, let's paint a little picture of the setting. I haven't seen a concert at Verizon in a while, but this time the stage was set-up on the 7th St. side of the arena. We walked to section 120 to find our seats. For some reason there was a big line at our entrance, yet no where else. Once we got in, I realized the line was because our entrance was for our neighboring sections, as well as the floor seats. Annoying, but no big deal. Especially not since we were right on the first level, stage left. We were so close to the stage and could see everything perfectly.

Walking into the concert, I joked to Emily that if the INS did a surprise raid on the place, the entire stadium would clear out and we'd have our pick of seats. All jokes aside, the crowd was 95% Hispanic. Apparently we didn't get the memo about bringing our national flags with us to the show. I saw just about every Central and South American flag at some point during the show. I should have expected as much from an artist who only recently released her second English language CD. I thought though that more teen-aged girls would be there, what with the popularity of "Hips Don't Lie".

Wyclef opened the show. This was my second time seeing him live, so I half knew what to expect. If you ever have the chance to see him in concert, do yourself a favor and go. He is amazingly talented. Much more so than you might assume. He was on stage for about 45 minutes, and even did two old Fugees songs.

Then after a brief change of stage equipment, Shakira took to the stage. Her set favored her Spanish CDs heavily. I knew most of the songs, since she was immensely popular in Spain while I was studying over there in '99. The crowd went absolutely bonkers when she came out. Remember how the crowds were during the World Cup games this summer? Yeah, it was the same atmosphere and energy in the air.

Here is a testament to what a great performer Shakira is. My friend Emily doesn't speak any Spanish, but she was absolutely riveted the entire time she was on stage. She has great stage presence and engages the audience throughout the entire concert. Plus, her dance moves are so exotic and hypnotic, you can't help but stare. I swore off the roast beef curtains ages ago, but I'll be damned if she didn't have me reconsidering that for a minute or two!

I'm definitely glad that Emily convinced me to go to the concert with her. After watching Shakira move like that on stage, I have even more motivation to head to the gym and get my ass in shape!

Come back to me

2006-08-24T15:23:00.000-04:00

I almost had a serious mental and emotional breakdown this week. Monday afternoon my friend Kevin stopped by my desk to see how iTunes works. I hooked up my iPod and waited for the system to connect. All of the sudden, a message popped up that there was a problem and the iPod was reverted back to the factory defaults. Umm, excuse me? I disconnected and sure enough, to my horror, EVERYTHING on my iPod was GONE. Over 5,900 songs and videos, more than 30 gigs of multimedia, simply GONE. Poof. No more.

I could feel the tears of rage and frustration welling in my eyes. It took every ounce of self-control to not erupt right then and there. After that, my iPod just completely stopped working. I couldn’t even get it to turn on. I frantically started calling my friends to find out what I could do. In the end, I logged onto the Apple website and signed up to have it serviced. I’ll mail it back to Apple tomorrow and hopefully have it back in a few weeks. Please come back fully functional little iPod!

When all this happened, all I could think was “Thank God I still have my shuffle, so I’m not completely without music.” That is, until my shuffle died on Tuesday. I worked out at lunch and the battery died at the end of my work-out. I brought the shuffle upstairs to my desk to charge it on my computer. After I plugged it in, it never worked again. Apparently my work computer has the iPod kiss of death. I’ll never plug another iPod into it again! This has been an expensive lesson learned.

Tuesday night I went out and bought a new shuffle, because there is no way I could make it a couple weeks without a shuffle or iPod. Yes, I am that dependent on music. I listen to music my entire commute to and from work, all day long at my desk and a lot of the evenings at home.

Other than this disaster, life has been good. I am almost completely settled into my new place and I love it. I’ve decided living alone is the best thing for me. It is so great to come home from a shitty day at work and just decompress.

I’ve already hosted my first small gathering of people and it was a moderate success. Even though I don’t have a very large space, I think it was big enough for the twelve of us to all be in there and not feel crowded. I’m looking forward to having an official house-warming once I’ve had a chance to hang the paintings and other small things that I haven’t finished yet.

As I was writing this, we had a fire-drill here at work. What a genius way to waste an hour of my day. After we all walk down a block to our official meeting spot, it then time to turn around and head back to the building. Of course my friends and I stand outside for another 20 minutes. When we got back inside, they had Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream set up for us. Sweet. I have now done absolutely NOTHING since I left for lunch at noon.

Hallelujah!!!

2006-08-07T23:53:00.000-04:00

OK kids, run to the bathroom, grab a cup of your preferred beverage and settle in for a minute. This post is going to cover quite a bit, just because I am too lazy to break it up into the individual posts that it all deserves.

The last time I posted, I was still staying out in Rockville with Jamie. I had such a fucking blast spending the week with him. All but one night with him was spent in some state of inebriation. The highlight of the weekend though was Saturday night. We came down to Dupont and split up to see various other friends. We joined back up at the Lantern for the Underwear Ball. Some of those people really take that seriously. Who knew?

Anyway, from the Lantern we popped over to Omega for a drink. One drink was all it took to realize that we should not have gone there in the first place. Everyone decided at that point to just call it a night. Jamie and I headed off down the street to find his car. Some where around N St and 20th, we heard the distinct sounds of a party winding down.

What did we do? We walked up to the house and tried the front door. It opened. We proceeded up the stairs to the second floor and tried the door to the apartment from where the music was coming. Again, it opened.

Lo and behold, Jamie and I had stumbled into the remains of some sort of straight costume party. Or so I assume based on what people were wearing. We just walked in and started mingling like we belonged there. At some point, someone asked the inevitable question of who we were and who we knew. Immediately, this cute girl next to me piped up and said that we were with her. I leaned over to thank her and say that we really didn’t know anyone. She then let me know that she really didn’t know anyone there either. Awesome.

By this point, Jamie is in the kitchen making us drinks like he was the host. This is when things get a bit hazy. I know there were multiple rounds of shots poured by Jamie. I also know that he grabbed a married woman’s breasts, then hit on her husband. In front of her. It was priceless. After doing an impromptu performance of "Kiss" by Prince, we started for the door to leave. Apparently the actual hosts of the party weren’t having this. They wanted to get our numbers to invite us to their next party! Who on earth crashes a random party and then gets invited back for the next one? Only us. Classic.

The next day was pretty much one of the shittiest I’ve had in a while. Yes, I had a hang-over but nothing terrible. The shitty part was when my lil sis called to tell me that my mom was in the hospital. And had been since Saturday morning. Excuse me? It is now about 3 pm Sunday afternoon. Awesome. Thanks for letting us know about Mom, Dad. Fuck you too. I know that he didn’t say anything to us at the time because it didn’t seem very serious. But, god dammit, I want to know when my mom is in the hospital. I think that I deserve to know that as her fucking son! Ugh. Long story short, my mom thought it was some kind of intestinal thing, but now they think it might be a slipped disk or something similar. She is feeling better now though.

The next week and weekend were extremely boring. I was getting a lot of shit together to apply for an apartment, and then doing a lot of commuting and sleeping. There is nothing like nearly four hours of each day spent just getting to and from work. But, the happy news? Oh yeah, I moved into my new place this past weekend. I’ve now spent three nights sleeping in my own bed again and it feels fan-fucking-tastic. I’m living alone again, for the first time in two years. Part of me misses having a roommate, but I am so much happier on my own.

My new place is extremely central to just about everything. I’m about five minutes walking from any place in Dupont or Logan. I can still walk to work too. It is so nice to know that I can go out on 17th for a night of drinking and only have to stumble a very few blocks to get back to my bed. No more cab rides and hiding a $10 each night to make sure I could pay for said cab ride.

There are a few minor things I’d like to change about my new place. Like the height of the pipe for the shower head. I am a little taller than normal, but not freakishly tall or anything. That said, my shower head comes up to about my neck. This is very convenient for things like washing my hair. Right now, I’m forced to drop to my knees to wash my hair. No comments bitches! That definitely needs to be fixed. I am also not thrilled with the teeny tiny kitchen I have. On the positive side though, it will only serve to help me in my goal to lose weight. With no space to store food, I guess I won’t be eating nearly as much!

Now, the positives. I have three closets. Yes, THREE closets. This is unbelievable! I’ve never had this much room for all of my clothes and other assorted crap. I think that I’ll be more organized in this apartment then I have been since college. Also, I already know three people in my building. And surprisingly enough, I don’t know any of them in the biblical sense! In some ways, it feels like I am living in the Rock Hudson Hall (from a different era, solidly built and unassuming) of Homo University.

Finally, I need to give special thanks to everyone who helped me move, both back in May and again this past weekend. Chuck, Chris, Taylor, and my family, you are all wonderful people with the patience of saints. Moving sucks ass, I know this. And with me, it is almost always a bigger fiasco than need be. What can I say? I don’t deal well with change.

I’m going to try and post more regularly, now that my life is a little more stable. Don’t be surprised if you see me stumbling down the street on any given night. I’m back bitches!

deja vu

2006-07-21T19:43:00.000-04:00

This past Tuesday was my first night staying out in Rockville with Jamie. Let me tell you, after being a bag lady ("bag laaady, you gon hurt yo back") for the last two months there is nothing like sleeping in your own king-size bed. I have slept like a baby this entire week. So, its Tuesday night and Jamie and I are all alone in a gi-normous house in Rockville. What to do?

Well, we started by making rum and cokes. With Bacardi 151. Can you see where this story is going? Then we headed down to D.I.K. Bar for some of that hot karaoke with Gladys. Our girls met us out, there were shots, there were mixed drinks. To say that we were drunk is an understatement. I believe a few fellow bloggers witnessed the chaos that is Jamie in Dupont on a Tuesday night a few weeks ago.

So, I'm standing at the bar in D.I.K. when I turn around and spy none other than Food Court. Awesome. Love it. What did I do? Well, after all the booze I'd consumed I thought it a brilliant idea to go say hello. The gods were with me that night because not only did I manage to pull of tipsy (as opposed to the shit-faced I actually was), I also pulled off an attitude of being nonchalant and happiness that I can never pull off in the face of a former "luvah". We chatted for a few moments, agreed that we would meet up soon for me to get my fucking Christina concert DVD back (yeah, I'll need that, especially with a new album dropping next month) and then I was off again.

It was so satisfying to act like that month of waiting by the phone for his calls meant nothing to me. Of course, after all this, I had a drunk mental breakdown and ran outside to call my best girl in the world. After getting boy-drama calls from her for a year while she was in Greece, turn-about is fair play. She pulled me together and I was right back inside for another drink. Because clearly that was what I needed.

Quick aside, obvi this week was a week of ex-luvahs. At the Nation closing party on Saturday night I ran into Peanut Butter from January 05. I'm pretty sure he was fucked up on something, but he did confess to missing me and wanting to get together again. Meh, we'll see. It is nice to hear things like that, especially when you are fucked up as well.

After leaving D.I.K. Bar, Jamie and I were off to Cobalt for some 80s. I remember being there for a bit and talking to my friend who works there. I believe I danced for a song or two. Suddenly, the bar is closing and I'm being pushed out the door. I found Jamie standing outstide and we got in the car. Not more than one block from Cobalt and Jamie is already throwing up out of the car. We switched places and i was left with the task of getting us home to Rockville.

Yes, it was probably one of the dumbest things I' ve done in a while. Everything was going fine, until we got to 270 and I couldn't remember Jamie's exit. I had to call and wake our girl Diane up for that info. I thought I'd be fine the rest of the way. Only I didn't count on every fucking housing development looking the same once we were off the highway. After about twenty wrong turns I finally got us home at 3:30 AM.

The next morning, when I finally got up at 10 AM, I found Jamie passed out in the basement den on a massage table. He was wearing a shirt and nothing else. Words really can't paint an adequate picture of that morning site. I think I finally made it to work around 11:30. God, am I a stellar employee or what? Thankfully, the rest of my stay out here in Rockville hasn't been nearly as exciting.

I do think that my days as a bag-lady are drawing to a close. There is a 99.9% chance that I am FINALLY moving into a place of my own next weekend, the 29th. Thank God! No more waking up at 5:30 to be at work at 7:30. No more hour and a half commute. I'm really excited to be living on my own again.

Afraid

2006-07-15T20:18:00.000-04:00

This post has been on my mind all week. I actually woke up in the middle of the night early this week with the foundations of this in mind.

It is almost surreal to be living with my family again. Especially since my little sister is living at home now too. I am back in my old room. A room I haven’t slept in since I went away to college. It is a big adjustment, especially since half of Lindsey’s crap from college is sitting in my room. All the pills of stuff, mine and Lindsey’s, make it impossible for me to feel settled.
Last night was a huge accomplishment for me. I actually folded all of my laundry and laid it out in organized piles on the spare bed. For a neat-freak, bordering on OCD, person like me this was huge.

Every night, I try to read at least a couple pages of a book before I fall asleep. Quick aside, I’m reading "Possible Side Effects" by Augusten Burroughs right now and it is awesome. After twenty or thirty minutes reading, I can usually pass out.

That is, until recently. I don’t know what it is about being in my old room, but I will start to fall asleep and then wake up completely after about 15 minutes. I’ll hear some strange sound and automatically assume someone is in the room with me. Of course, my heart is pounding and I’m frozen trying to hear the noise again, terrified that someone snuck into our house and into my room. Then I realize that I am crazier thank Whitney after a lesbian crack binge.

Even odder are the times when I wake up out of sleep because my leg twitched. I don’t mean a little twitch, I’m talking major jimmy leg. It is the strangest thing. I guess part of it is all that I’ve had on my mind lately. While trying to find a place to live, I’m still looking for a new job. It is so hard for me to stop thinking and just drift off to sleep. Thankfully, the apartment hunt may be over as early as next week.

More frightening than the nightmares I’ve had recently is what I realized driving home from work yesterday. I don’t’ know why, but it suddenly hit me just how terrified I am of any sort of emotional attachment to someone. I’m sure that just about everyone has had this feeling before. But, I think it is more serious than the usual, "I haven’t dated seriously in a while" feeling of emotional detachment. I can’t put it adequately into words, but it definitely remains in the back of my head.

Maybe I need to take a Rivers Cuomo or Paris Hilton vow of celibacy. Yes, I’ll stay celibate for exactly as long as Paris does. By that standard, I should be good for sex again before this blog even finishes posting.

On top of all that, World War III is seriously breaking out in the Middle East. Every night I listen to the news and become more and more concerned about the state of the world right now. Iran working to get nukes; North Korea preparing to launch them; Israel fighting wars on two of
its borders; and a "liberated" Iraq that is a bloodier mess than before we invaded.

Thank God this wasn’t a deep, heavy, over-drawn posting right??? Sorry to those of you still reading. I’ve been sitting on some of these thoughts for two weeks now and I just had to get them out.

Hear Me

2006-07-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the absence lately. This two hour commute, each way!, is kicking my ass. I leave the house at 6 AM and don’t get home until 6:30 – 7 PM each day! Talk about motivation to get my ass in gear and find a place! Hopefully, that will all be resolved in the coming week.

Last Thursday I joined some friends to head out to Nissan to see Kelly Clarkson. First, let me start by saying that I HATE Nissan Pavilion. Fuck you Nissan Pavilion! I think that place should be bombed and never opened again. Just the simple act of getting to the venue and leaving from there is one of the most hellish experiences ever.

Having said all that, I put aside my hatred for the chance to see Kelly. I missed her last time she came through DC, so I really wanted to see her this time. The opening band was Rooney, whose name I have heard, but am not at all familiar with their music. They were OK, but the sound system was all fucked up and the band was ten times louder than the lead singer. I couldn’t understand a single thing he was singing.

Finally, it was time for Kelly to come on stage. She opened the show with "Addicted" off the Breakaway album. Once again, the sound was all fucked up and the band was louder than her. It stayed this way through her entire show. I don’t know if it was Nissan or her sound people, but I was not happy about that.

When I could hear her, she sounded amazing. I’m a little ashamed to be typing this, but when she sang "Beautiful Disaster" I had tears in my eyes. Her voice is just so beautiful, when you can hear it. Overall, I thought the concert was OK. I think the tickets were a little over-priced for the length of the show. When she comes through the area again, I won’t be seeing her at Nissan. Or any other artist. I really wish I had seen Kelly at Constitution Hall.

I do want to defend Kelly for a moment though from some of the criticisms my friends were throwing after the show. First of all bitches, Kelly does not equal Madonna. I get it, you had amazing seats at the show and you loved it. Fine. Get past it. Kelly was a waitress in Texas five years ago. Madonna has been doing this for damn near 25 years. I expect a hell of a lot more from someone like Madonna (especially when she feels it necessary to charge over $100 for nose bleed seats) than I do a newer artist like Kelly.

Secondly, if you haven’t listened through both of her albums, don’t complain when you don’t recognize all the songs. She only played three new songs in her whole set. All the rest were off her two albums. Don’t expect her to play only the six songs that have gotten radio play. Yes, you sure did recognize each Madonna song. As well you should when you say she is your favorite. Don’t fault the artist when you haven’t taken the time to familiarize yourself with her source material before the show.

Sorry, I just had to say those things and stick up for someone who is insanely talented (vocally anyway) and still growing as an artist.

Just one of dem days

2006-06-28T23:17:00.000-04:00

I really fucking hate my job. Let me say that again. I really fucking HATE my job. How much do I hate my job? Let's put it this way. I'd rather eat out one of the "ladies" "working" on K St. for 8 hours a day than be at my current job.

Today I got a lecture about email usage. Let's see, since I started this job you have taken away instant messenger and the internet from me. Kids, I work for a financial company and I can't even access the fucking website for the IRS! Are you kidding? Who in the hell goes to the IRS website for shits and giggles??? Let me tell you what a shear joy my job is. You'd think that email would be the next thing they'd take from me. Too bad my job is to respond to emails! Ugh, so over this place it isn't even funny.

Must change topic before brain explodes. I have definitely fallen right back into life in the "country". Tonight, after getting home (at 6:30 even though I left work at 4! Jealous?) I kicked off my shoes and changed into some shorts and a wife-beater. Give me some slack people. We still have no AC in the house.

I definitely felt country when I was walking across the property barefoot to see my sister. It is the simple things in life, like the grass between my toes on a muggy summer night that keep me from killing someone during the day. Oh, and if I had a digital camera worth anything, I'd take a picture of the thousands of lightning bugs in the fields around our house. Bet you city folk don't see them very much, now do you???

O happy day!

2006-06-27T21:55:00.000-04:00

So this has just totally made my month. Are you kidding me? New Janet album and a Tori 5-CD rarities/b-sides box set released on the exact same day??? Yeah, I realize, they couldn't be any more different, but I'll be damned if they aren't my two favorite artists! (And to quote a friend "You've really out-gayed yourself Bernard") Yes, this has completely made my week. I needed this piece of good news, because the unthinkable has happened.

I am now officially living back out in Carroll County. Nearly four hours commuting each day. Not fun, especially when the heavens decide to open up for three straight days. Even though I'm living way out in Boo-Foo, I'll still be out and about on the town. I'll just be bouncing from one air mattress to the next on the weekends. If you see me out, buy a bitch a drink to help me forget that I'm homeless.

Watching the BET Awards right now. Here are a few thoughts. Beyonce, really? Is that all you can give for an opening performance? I expect so much more from you at this point. It was a fine performance, but I want more from you. And lastly, Chaka Khan, love you but DAYUM girl, that isn't a booty shelf it is a cupboard!

I'm a bitch

2006-06-25T17:35:00.000-04:00

The other day, I left work later than planned and was none to pleased about this. Work has been sucking my ass lately and I am completely feed up. So, I leave the office in a huff, throw on my sunglasses and iPod, all set to loose myself in the commute back to DYD's. When I got onto the metro platform at Union, I noticed one of my co-workers standing there. I am friendly with this guy, we talk all the time at work. Not great friends or anything, but he is another person to complain about our shitty job with. Did I stop and talk to him? Nope, I just kept right on walking to the other end of the platform.

When I am commuting to and from work, no matter how long or short, I am in my own world. Especially in the mornings. I am not a morning person to begin with, then combine that with the fact I'm headed to a job I can't stand any more. Not pretty. Thankfully, music helps me wake up and get through the day. I'll often see people I know on my commute, but I never speak to anyone. That is my time. It is this little 30 minute slice of the day when I can be lost in my own thoughts and check out hot commuters behind the safety of my shades.

That night, on our way to see the Vodka Manx ,DYD and I discussed how a walk or metro ride to work is the perfect time to let your thoughts wander. So, if you see me on the metro during "business hours", feel free to nod hello or wave. Please don't expect more than that in return from me though!

Enjoy the silence???

2006-06-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

OK, so I’ve been gone for a while. Life kind of has been chaotic and unsettled in the last month. Most of May I was pretty much in denial about Roomie moving to NYC and that I would be leaving our apartment. Was I ready for a change? Hell yes. But, I just couldn’t let go. So I put it all off until THE LAST MINUTE. Typical Bernie. I owe Poo-Dell the biggest THANK YOU in the world for helping me to move and putting up with my own unique brand of "until it is right in front of my face, it isn’t happening". Trust me, on May 31, Poo-Dell proved himself to be a saint of a friend.

Where am I living now? Well, that’s an interesting story. The arrangements that I thought were all but completely settled, yeah, apparently not so much. Suddenly, not only am I confronted with packing and saying good-bye to Roomie and that chapter of my life, now I am back to finding a place to live. I absolutely fucking HATE looking for apartments in this city. So, for the time being, I am living on air mattresses with my friends. The first week was Poo-Dell and his bf in their new place together. After that, it was on to DYD’s place with his bf, which is where I am writing this from right now.

I am so thankful for the friends that I have. This past weekend I was home to see my family for Father’s Day. My older sister asked me about three times how I was doing.

Sister: "No, seriously, how are you?"
Me: "I’m fine, I swear."
Sister: "I’m so proud of you."
Me: "Why? Because I am homeless?"

If it weren’t for the amazing friends I have, I would be writing this from Carroll County, MD in my parents non-air conditioned house. Can we talk about miserable? Yeah, my thoughts too.
So, I am in the middle of the great apartment hunt right now. Good times. There isn’t a lot else to report from the last month. Roomie moved on possibly one of the DRUNKEST nights of my life. The Sunday of Memorial Day weekend was ridiculous. That is all that I can say. Nearly 12 hours straight drinking is not recommended for anyone. Especially when you have agreed to help a friend move the next day in 90 degree weather.

I saw Kathy Griffin in Baltimore. Fucking hysterical. I laughed so hard I was crying. DC Pride came and went. In true Pride tradition, I missed most of it. I was home with my family to celebrate my college friend’s 30th birthday that Saturday and only made it back in time to see DJ Able at Nation. It was a good time, but not as fun as if all the Mean Girls had been there. Pride Sunday, DYD and I pretty much did nothing.

I have to mention part of what is getting me through this rough time. Make fun of what I am about to say all you want, but this is what gets me through every day without completely going postal. That’s right, not one, not two but THREE of my divas have new songs out with albums to follow this fall. Christina, Beyonce and Janet all have released songs in the last two weeks. If you see me walking down the street, apparently talking to myself, no worries. I am just trying to keep my sanity and rock out with my girls at the same time.

One last note. Last Tuesday was another crazy fucking night out drinking, and this guy witnessed something that can only be described as movie magic: Jamie and I performing "How Many Licks" at DIK Bar karaoke. Now, commence your mockery.

not ready to make nice

2006-05-25T23:51:00.000-04:00

First, I need to talk about how much I fucking love the new Dixie Chicks cd. Their single "Not Ready To Make Nice" is my song of the week. I think I have listened to it at least 40 times in the last two days. When Natalie's voice get's all emotional and loud, I can't help but feel the same way they do.

The funny thing about this song is how true it rings in so many aspects of my life. For example, the first couple lines are as follows:

"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting"

This song has so many great fucking lines, but I think that first couple lines speak the strongest. Tonight I was put to the ultimate test with forgiveness. Chester (AKA the bi-sexual boy I had a crush on for ever a year) was out at JR's tonight. Maybe after one or two (or eight) drinks, I decided to go up and talk to him. Keep in mind we haven't talked for more than two years, yet we work for the same company, just a few floors apart.

Was I nervous? Hell yeah. I had no clue what to say to him. Yet, I knew that he was in JR's, my comfort zone. After two years, I know that he knew JR's was the one place that was mine, always had been and always would be. I'm sure this sounds ridiculous to the average reader, but to those of you that have gone through a really messy break-up, you will know where I am coming from.

Anyway, I spotted Chester at JR's tonight around 8:30. Of course, by this time I'd been there for over two hours and had more than my fair share of alcohol. So, when I saw him it suddenly seemed like a good idea to go talk to him. And that is exactly what I did.

You would think that two years is plenty of time to get over everything. Yet, when I first talked to him tonight, all those old feelings came rushing right back. I crushed them immediately though. Here was someone who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. And yet becuase of his hurt and betrayl, I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for.

At the time, I was MISERABLE when everything went to shit with Chester and Spotted C. Now, I look back and see that the situation forced me out of my comfort zone, forced me to meet more gay men. Many of whom are my friends to this day. In fact, because of all the bullshit with them, I met Chuck on the 4th of July. My life hasn't been the same every since. For that I thank them for all that happened.

One of my closest friends told me tonight that I would eventually be disappointed in myself for talking to Chester tonight. I would like to disagree. I still think that Chester is fucked up in the head, and that he has a lot of issues to resolve. However, I don't think my civil conversation with him tonight compromises who I am. In fact, I think that it shows I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

For the last few months, I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues and self-hate. I'm still dealing with it today. Whenever I ran into Chester at work, I felt completely self-conscious, like I was unattractive and less than deserving of anyone. Well, tonight I got over all of that bullshit and approached him with all of the confidence in the world. I may never have a 28" waist, but I'll be damned if I'll ever let anyone ever allow me to feel less than beautiful. Tonight was my time to confront some demons from my past, to let those demons know that all they did was make me stronger and a better person.

Will Chester and I talk again? I don't know. Part of me hopes so, only because we see each other at work all too frequently not to speak. On the other hand, I think that I have proved that my life has only gotten a thousand times better since I shut he and Spotted C out.

I now need to thank all of my friends over the last two years, old and new friends, because you have truly made me feel loved and supported. I can't thank you enough for that feeling. A special thanks goes out to Chuck, Chris and Nick. I honestly don't know what I would do without the three of you in my life. Everyday I thank God for introducing me to the best friends a person could ever ask for.

Ok, enough with the drunk blogging. Sorry for this little trip folks!

Who's the prettiest of them all???

2006-05-24T01:26:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've had a ton going on both in my life and in my head and just haven't found a good way to put it all down in a coherent form. Maybe if I get around to it I'll post some pictures of my sister's college graduation and of the cutest baby in the world riding on the rocking elephant I built for her with my own two hands. Impressed? You will be when you see my carpentry skills!

So, this story absolutely needs to be told. As this DYD kindly mentioned in this post, after our boozing on Sunday night, I lost my cell phone. I assumed that I had left it in the cab I took home. Oops! I was wrong. Five minutes ago, I'm tossing and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep. That's when I feel something small and hard (minds out of the gutter people) next to me. What on earth? Oh yeah, that would be the missing cell phone. I guess there is something to be said for making your bed every morning.

The bad part of all this? I had the service suspended on Monday, thinking that my phone was in a cab, waiting for a random person to pick up and start using all my anytime minutes. "Is that what's hot? Using up all your anytime minutes?" The only good part about this whole situation is that I found out my contract is due to renew today (the 24th) and I get a $100 credit for a new phone. So, tomorrow I'll rejoin the world, have a new phone and not have to beg my friends to send me their phone numbers. God, I realize amaze myself sometimes with how pretty I am.

Oh, and my new laptop came last week and I am totally in love with it. Between the laptop and my video iPod, I think that I have died and gone to tech geek heaven.

Sunday morning

2006-05-03T11:37:00.000-04:00

Shit! I can't believe I forgot to blog about this earlier. So, Sunday morning Poo-Dell and I are killing time, playing around on MySpace. We are checking out my nephew's page when Poo-Dell noticed that Zack mentions his "fiancée" in a picture caption. Excuse me?

I immediately went downstairs and called my sister. Apparently Zack just announced last week that he is "engaged" and bought this girl a ring. I have no clue what money he got her a ring with. Oh, and he is moving to BFE up-state New York to live with her and her grandmother.

I have no problems with him moving up there to live with this girl. I think it will be good for him to live away from home for a while and experience life. However, I do have a problem with him getting married at 18 to a girl he met online six months ago. I have an even bigger problem with the fact that suddenly it is MUCH more of a reality that I could be a great-uncle in the next year or two!! NO! I refuse to be great-uncle Bernie before I am 30!

This weekend I'm definitely going to sit down and have a little chat with Zack. I don't want to discourage him from moving to be with this girl. I don't even want to discourage their "engagement", but I do want to stress to him that there is no need to rush things. They are both still so young, 18 and 19 respectively, and they have so much ahead of them still. I would just hate to see him married with kids and then divorced before he is even legal to drink.

One dip or two?

2006-05-03T09:44:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I was up in Boston with the twin sisters and one boyfriend. We had an absolute blast. Friday during the day we went to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum and I loved every minute of it. So much, that the other three left me at the museum by myself for almost an hour. Sorry girls, but I didn't take eight art history classes in college for nothing. If you are ever in Boston, I highly recommend you check it out.

Friday night we went over to a friend's house for a good ole-fashioned straight house party. There was survivor flip-cup and everything. I was on fire and the lone survivor for my team. I ended up losing in the end, but I did pretty damn good for not having played in over a year! The party was a blast and I saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen since our trip to New Hampshire last January.

All of us were trashed when we finally stumbled down the street to get a cab. Now, DYD swears that I wanted some crab rangoon. Me thinks not. I don't do any type of seafood, so I don't think I'd suddenly be asking for it when I was drunk. Ladies, I'm still waiting for that pizza I was promised.

Saturday we walked around Chinatown and drove through some of the other parts of the city. Late that night we went out to see Tom Stephan and added some new holes to the dance floor at Rise. Our friends Paul and Effie joined up with us at the club. It was so great to see the two of them and I look forward to them moving closer to DC. The music was out of control. I didn't know what to expect from Tom Stephan, but he had me dancing the entire time.

Sunday afternoon we met up with Paul and Effie again, then stopped by Poo-Dell's house one last time, to say good-bye to his family. We found out there that our flight was delayed, and despite all our efforts, we couldn't get on an earlier flight. When we got to the airport, we did what any lady would do. We saddled up to the bar and started drinking.

When we boarded the plane, we were immediately picked out as homosexuals. I have no clue how either. Because we all bought our tickets separately, we were not sitting together. One of the three gay flight attendants (yes, apparently we were flying on PrideAir) offered to Poo-Dell to move me back to sit with him and the BF. The flight attendant then made this old man WHO JUST HAD HIS HIP REPLACED move up to my row so I could go back and join them. Said flight attendant then threw six mini-bottles of vodka at us. Before the plane even pulled away from the terminal.

As all of this was going on, Leery McAttendant was checking the three of us out in that "JR's at midnight old man in the corner" way. When Poo-Dell went to use the restroom, Leery asked him if "[his] cute friend on the end of the aisle is single". Poo-Dell's response? "Single and ready to mingle". Thanks. But, if we continue to get free booze, I'm willing to take one for the team.

Best part of the flight? When we were leaving the plane. I was on the end of the aisle, so I got up first to take our bags down from the overhead. When I opened the compartment, the first thing I saw was Poo-Dell's bag of lube which had popped out of their luggage. Yes, I said bag of lube. On the flight up, their bottle of lube broke open in the zip-lock bag. Ever the lady though, Poo-Dell just dips right in for a quick fix. Do you take one dip or two?

I was hysterical laughing when I saw the lube first thing. The flight attendants didn't miss this either and held up a Bible at us, saying we needed help. I think that the two families around us were more than a little scared. Best flight ever. The night didn't end there, as we went to JR's until after 1 AM. There was even a follow-up night of drinking on Monday night at the new secret member's only Dupont gay bar. Needless to say, my liver is shot to hell. I'll be at Betty Ford if anyone needs me.

How come you don't call me

2006-04-25T14:32:00.000-04:00

I have definitely been slacking when it comes to blogging lately. There is just so much going on in my head, that I can't seem to find a way to get it out coherently. Plus, some of the craziness is probably best left unspoken.

It is looking more and more like I'll be getting a new job, the one that I interviewed for last month. I have been on a second interview and have a phone interview with the Director today. Keep your fingers crossed kids, because I am at the end of my rope with my current job. I can't stand it anymore.

I think I finally have my living situation resolved too. If all works out, I'll take over DYD's bf's place when the two of them move in together. I'm really excited for this, because I'll be moving back to civilization! Woo hoo! No more $10 cab ride to and from Dupont. I'll be sad to leave my cute little two bedroom, but I need a change.

As for the boy, well your guess is as good as mine. We got together almost two weeks ago and have spoken once since then. When we are together or speak, everything seems fine and he acts like he is interested. Then a week will pass before I hear a word from him. It is fine with me that we don't speak every day, but shit, a text or something would be nice. Otherwise, I am just sitting here assuming you are blowing me off by not returning my call.

I'm waiting to see if he returns the message I left him Sunday evening. I've pretty much just written it off at this point, if for no other reason than I can't stand sitting here wondering why and what happened. I can't do that any more. This was a fun experiment while it lasted. It was nice to see that I am capable of opening up to someone.

I think that my mom will be more disappointed than I am if this doesn't work out. She was so excited to hear that I finally met someone I liked. If anything, this whole thing was a chance for me to see just how lucky I am to have the family that I was blessed with, especially Mom.

My mom is totally going to welcome in my future husband with open arms. She is going to be the mother-in-law that insists on him calling her mom, buying him birthday and Christmas gifts, and making him his favorite foods when we come to visit. Hell, she already does that for Roomie now and we aren't even dating!!!

Oh, and I guess I'd be lying if I didn't mention that I was a little circuit star this weekend. Or a special needs child on Christmas morning. Depending on who's blog you read. Cherry was a lot of fun. I'd never been to an "official" after-hours before and I loved every minute of it. Will I be doing this every weekend? God no. It was fun for this weekend, but probably won't happen again for a long time.

I will say this, those four hours on the dance floor with Poo-Dell will probably always be one of my favorite memories of just the two of us. We didn't need to speak a single word, just be there dancing with each other.

Finally, if you felt a cold breeze blow through town last night, it was because Jamie came out last night and shenanigans ensued. There was a ridiculous tab at Lauriol Plaza and more shots than I can remember, followed by a Dupont bar crawl. I'm pretty sure I've been pissing straight tequila today. Just call me Jose Cuervo.

I Don't Like Mondays

2006-04-17T15:23:00.000-04:00

This past week feels like a blur to me. Actually, the last two weeks feel like a blur. I can't believe that April is half over already.

I've been out with Valentino four times now. I think things are going well. I'm a terrible judge of this though. I can be totally optimistic about anything, except my own love life. Then, I am instantly the most pessimistic person you've ever met.

We got together Thursday night for dinner and drinks, then just hung out at his place. When I left, I was floating on cloud 9. The next morning, all my delightful insecurities popped back up and made me start to doubt things all over again. Thankfully, I had plenty on my plate this weekend to distract me.

Friday night I spent with my family. My nephew (who is 18 years old. Yeah, we have some weird family dynamics) had his MySpace girlfriend in town from outside Buffalo, NY for the weekend.

Side note, it really fucking freaks me out that it is more than a possibility that I could be a GREAT UNCLE before I am even 30 and my little sister a GREAT AUNT before 25!!! What the fuck is that all about??? My older sister could be a GRANDMOTHER before 40!!! Are you kidding??? Yeah, not a fan at all of having an 18 y.o. nephew with a girlfriend. It is too weird!

So, my nephew had some of his friends over that night to hang out. Around 11:15 I look out the window and see one of the kids walking into the house with a big box under his arm. Is that what I think it is? No, it can't be. They wouldn't be that stupid to carry it around in the open like that. Oh no, it totally is a 30 pack of the Silver Bullet. Idiots.

I called my older sister and let her know that some of the kids were drinking right under her nose. I hated being a NARC, but I knew the kids weren't spending the night and would be drunk driving. The last thing we need is a couple drunk 18 y.o.'s. My sis went over and told them they couldn't drink at our house and asked them to leave. A few minutes later she called me back because the kids weren't listening to her.

I walked over, went into the back bedroom, took the beer and told the kids they had to get out. They were polite and said they would leave. After ten minutes, no one left yet. I went back in and this time let them know that they would either be leaving right then, or else they would face the wrath of my father. That put a fire under their asses. Although, this one little girl tried to give me some attitude for a second. I just looked at her, and I'm pretty sure she could see the Dupont bitchy queen shining behind my eyes. Sweetheart, you are Carroll County white trash. Don't fuck with a DC queen. Thanks.

After all the kids left, I apologized to my nephew for breaking up the party. He said it was fine and I think he was relieved that my sister and I stepped in and did something. I don't think he knew they were showing up with beer and didn't know what to do about it. It was so weird though to be throwing kids out of our house. When did I become that guy???

The rest of the weekend was good. I think the rest of the weekend can be summed up in the following phrase, "The Bitch is Back". Oh yes, this weekend the girls and I headed to Nation for my favorite DJ, David Knapp, and Grace Jones made her first full appearance in 2006. Never one to do something half-assed, I danced so hard on Saturday that I won the very first "Josefina Award". Poo-Dell tried to steal my thunder at the end of the night, but she just couldn't compete with the old kick-ball change. Although, I have a feeling she will be walking away with that award when we go to Boston to see Tom Stefan on the 29th.

Sunday I had brunch with the girls at Kiat's. Wait, I had mimosas with the girls at Kiat's. A lot of mimosas. Say what you will, but Kiat and Tony know how the throw a party!! From there we all stumbled up the street to JR's. DYD and I last for a couple drinks and were out of there after the Easter Bonnet competition.

Thank God, because I don't think that my body could take much more at that point. Between the dancing on Saturday night and the drinking on Sunday, I am feeling less than stellar today. Only 90 minutes more to endure at work. Tick tick tick . . . Time goes by, so slowly.

Return of the top 10 worst album covers

2006-04-07T15:11:00.000-04:00

Apparently there was a part 2 to this that I never saw the first time around. Mean girls, I think I just found our costumes for the high heel derby this year in cover # 7!!! BTW, Roomie, your aunt is really "artisitc" with her covers.

http://porktornado.diaryland.com/covers2.html

Top 10 worst album covers

2006-04-07T14:47:00.000-04:00

Some of you may have seen this before. I know it went around a couple years ago. It still makes me laugh out loud. And please don't be too harsh to Chris's grandma, Joyce. She didn't know any better.

http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html

Infatuation

2006-04-06T14:56:00.000-04:00

Perhaps this is the wrong song to be listening to this afternoon, as I'm barely keeping a crazy attack from happening here at my desk.

"His eyes light up
And I'm filled within
Feels so good it must be a sin
I can't stop what I started I'm giving in
He brings life to my fantasies
Sparks a passion inside of me
Find the words and I cannot speak
In the silence, his heartbeat is music to me . . .

Caught between my mother's words
And what I feel inside
Wanting to explore his world
But part of me wants to hide
Should I risk it
Can't resist it
This has caught me by surprise . . .

I begin to give in with no hesitation
Can't help my infatuation"

Oh, and I'm glad that you bitches (you know who you are) are enjoying this little show of me being emotional, crazy and well, human. Enjoy it while it lasts kids.

He's Your Cocaine

2006-04-04T14:28:00.000-04:00

FUCK ME!!! As my girl Kim put it yesterday morning, I'm sprung. "Sweetheart, you got it bad. You are giggling and glowing. Oh Lord, you are sprung." Not cute!

All these years I've been single, I've been able to hide all my biggest insecurities and crazy tendencies. I was able to sit back and watch, counsel and laugh as my other friends went through relationships. Now I am the one who is acting all stupid, like the 12 year old girl with a crush. Fuck! And I know that each and every one of them is loving this, watching me go through a million emotions in just one phone call.

How the hell did this happen anyway? We went on two dates. Nothing more. And yet, I can't get the boy off my mind. How did someone slip past my outer defense system. Normally, I can keep someone at arm's distance for weeks. Apparently sir, you are my kryptonite.

There is major war going on inside my head right now. One side of my brain is yelling out all these rational things like, slow down, take a deep breath, enjoy the ride. Then there is the other side, the big woman side of my brain. God that bitch is loud. Of course she is drowning out that rational part of my brain. I'm. Going. Nucking. Futs.

This morning I could definitely feel a case of the crazies coming, approaching faster than the storm that blew through last night and a hell of a lot more destructive. What did I do? Did I cave into them? Nope. I went out running during lunch. No clue why, but running always has helped me to calm down and think things through. Maybe it is because that bitch in my head is too busy wheezing to scream irrational things at me. My thoughts just go spinning out of my head and then I can relax.

Now, I'm just sitting at my desk trying to lose myself in work. Yeah, I'm sure you can imagine how successful I've been at that. If I can just make it through the end of today without a crazy attack, then I'm good to go. Three hours is an awfully long time though when your "sprung".

Such Great Heights

2006-03-31T21:51:00.001-05:00

Fucking Blogger. I just spent the last half-hour writing this well-thought-out blog and the fucking site navigated away when I tried to spell check. Thanks.

Well, I don't have the energy to spend trying to re-write everything I just wrote. Sorry. I'll give you a brief recap. A ton of shit has happened in the last week. I found out about, applied for, and interviewed for a new job. The interview was today, I think I did quite well and will most like be going back for a second interview soon. Definitely a good thing as I'm about to put a pen through my eye at my current job if something doesn't change soon.

The Mean Girls and I had unbelievable experiences at the Grooming Lounge this week. So much so, that I went back this morning and had a hot lather shave right before my interview. Any man out there should go and experience this at least once. Amazing.

I've changed up my appearance drastically in the last 24 hours. Faux-hawk gone, hello short summer cut. Beard gone, hello boyish clean-shaven face. Chunky bod . . . still here. But, I'm back to running during lunch, so maybe this will be the year we bid a fond adieu to you too.

Last, but certainly not least, I had a date last night with Food Court. For those just tuning in, this is the boy I gave my number to in the middle of a crowded food court last week. Oh, and FC is not to be the official name, Mr. Triple B. He shall be referred to as Valentino for reasons that are too long and drawn out for this blog. So, Valentino called me on Tuesday and we got together for dinner last night. BEST. DATE. EVER. Seriously, I've never had a first date like this. Right now, I think the less I say the better. I will say this, I haven't felt like this in nearly five years.

Could all four Mean Girls soon be spoken for? Tune in next time to find out.

Such Great Heights

2006-03-31T21:51:00.000-05:00

Fucking Blogger. I just spent the last half-hour writing this well-thought-out blog and the fucking site navigated away when I tried to spell check. Thanks.

Well, I don't have the energy to spend trying to re-write everything I just wrote. Sorry. I'll give you a brief recap. A ton of shit has happened in the last week. I found out about, applied for, and interviewed for a new job. The interview was today, I think I did quite well and will most like be going back for a second interview soon. Definitely a good thing as I'm about to put a pen through my eye at my current job if something doesn't change soon.

The Mean Girls and I had unbelievable experiences at the Grooming Lounge this week. So much so, that I went back this morning and had a hot lather shave right before my interview. Any man out there should go and experience this at least once. Amazing.

I've changed up my appearance drastically in the last 24 hours. Faux-hawk gone, hello short summer cut. Beard gone, hello boyish clean-shaven face. Chunk bod . . . still here. But, I'm back to running during lunch, so maybe this will be the year we bid a fond adieu to you too.

Last, but certainly not least, I had a date last night with Food Court. For those just tuning in, this is the boy I gave my number to in the middle of a crowded food court last week. Oh, and FC is not to be the official name, Mr. Triple B. He shall be referred to as Valentino for reasons that are too long and drawn out for this blog. So, Valentino called me on Tuesday and we got together for dinner last night. BEST. DATE. EVER. Seriously, I've never had a first date like this. Right now, I think the less I say the better. I will say this, I haven't felt like this in nearly five years.

Could all four Mean Girls soon be spoken for? Tune in next time to find out.

Teary Eyed

2006-03-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

I hate myself for admitting this, but damn it, I got a little misty-eyed last night watching Lost. The love story between Sun and Jin touches me for some reason. I think it is the fact that being stranded on the island has given them a second chance to work out their relationship. Thank God I was home alone watching it, so no one could call me out for crying watching a sci-fi show on ABC.

Well, I guess while I am making confessions, I should make one more big one. I can't believe I'm about to admit this, but I love . . . . . An Ashlee Simpson song. There I said it. Crucify me now please. Her damn "L.O.V.E." is so fucking catchy that I cannot stop listening to it. Please, someone kill me now.

Can't take my eyes off you Pt. 2

2006-03-21T14:44:00.000-05:00

So its been a few months, but I knew I'd see you again. There you were, across the food court. Did you feel me staring at you? The minute our eyes connected, you smiled at me and made my knees buckle. I don't know if it is those big innocent blue eyes, or that devilish grin, but something about you is irresistible to me.

Today was going to be different though. As much as I enjoy our games of eye sex, something had to change. I asked my friends and, thank God, one of them had a pen. As we finished lunch, I jotted down my number on spare metro card in my wallet. When we left the food court, I stopped by your table. Our eyes locked, and I swear the universe stopped for a split second. We introduced ourselves, I gave you my number and then walked out. Now the ball is in your court. Will you call???

winter

2006-03-21T11:15:00.000-05:00

Where did the warm spring weather go? I am more than over this 30 degree bullshit. I apologize for the lack of updates since my pictures during my trip. When I got back, I partied that entire weekend and then got sick. Most of last week I spent stewing in my own germs on our couch. Special times.

There is a lot going on in my life right now and I feel like things are a little out of control. Until I am officially admitted to grad school, I think that I'll feel like I'm walking on egg-shells. I have no reason to believe that I won't be accepted, but until it is official, it is on my mind. I also need to figure out what the hell I am going to do for money while I am in school.

I have heard rumors that some school districts will hire you with no experience or certification, as long as you are in a program to get your certification. I've also heard that they will even pay for you to get your degree. That would be awesome if I could find a situation like that. Although, the thought of teaching this fall makes me a little bit queasy. I suppose there is always the Gap or something too. One thing is for sure, I will NOT be working in this same job after this summer.

Why is all of this coming to surface right now? Well, last night I had a bit of a reality check. I learned something last night and had the rug swept out from under me. Unfortunately, all of my decisions about school and moving home depend on more than just me making up my mind. This summer might be one huge nightmare for me, especially if I am living back home and commuting into DC every day. An hour and a half commute each way? Not fun. Trust me.

I'm sure that I will figure something out. I always do. Until then though, I don't think that I'll have an easy time falling asleep at night. I promise that my next post will be all about Aruba, pictures included.

More photos from Aruba

2006-03-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

Here is a natural bridge, yet not the famous natural bridge of Aruba. Apparently the famous bridge fell sometime last year.

And here are Lindsey and I below the natural bridge this afternoon. Yes, I look quite red, but you'll see in a minute that it had already faded some by later in the night.

This is a picture of Lindsey and I from dinner tonight. See? The tan is not quite red as much as it is the beginnings of a beautiful brown.

And here are Nik, Lindsey and I at some crazy local karaoke bar in Oranjestad, at 3 AM on Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Here is one of the crazy blue lizards that run all around the resort. Nik took the picture of this one from his chair sitting by the pool.

This last picture is of Lindsey, Nik, Marie, Corinna (Nik and Marie's Aruban friend) and myself from dinner on Saturday night at Ventanas del Mar.

There are a ton more pictures that Lindsey and I have taken with her camera. All of these pictures were courtsey of Nik and his camera. More updates if I have time during this week.

Italian Vogue cover July 2006

2006-03-06T22:22:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, here I am in all of my bloated glory. This was taken today, on the north side of the island. The north side is the very rocky, windy and shark-infested side of the island. It is virtually uninhabited.

Bon Bini

2006-03-04T18:16:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I don't know exactly what language that is either. From what I've been told it is papimiamento, y it is a mix of Dutch, Portugese and Spanish. That is what the natives speak here on Aruba, in addition to English.

I am having an absolute blast and do apologize for the lack of updates the last few weeks. I might have a chance to update again from down here, if not I'll have a couple blogs to post when I am back, miserable in the last clutches of winter. At least I'll be tan! Try not to mis me too much while I'm gone.

I thought of my girls as I was sitting at the bar IN the pool today. Don't hate me because I'm an international playboy. Oh, and if you want to hate me more, go here to see where I am staying. For free. ;)

In case you don't read Savage Love

2006-02-23T14:55:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would share this from this week's column.

Confidential to everyone: Pearl necklace is out, Cheney is in.

That's my man

2006-02-23T14:19:00.000-05:00

So, last night Roomie and I invited DYD and Sweetie over to watch some TV with us. We watched the Project Runway reunion special and then Project Jay. If you haven't been watching Project Runway this season, you are missing out. I think it is just as good, if not better than the first season.

Unlike most reality shows, these people have real talent and are forced to put their skills to the test. They are then judged on their abilities alone, not who is the cutest (Idol I'm looking at you). So, the reunion show was good, a nice mix of clips we never saw and candid interviews with the cast members about key moments this season.

The true highlight of last night though was Project Jay. Thank God Bravo had the sense to give that man his own special. First, he is fucking hysterical. So damn sarcastic. And he is more insightful and crazy than his time on Project Runway ever let on.

Last night he said something to the effect of "I used to wish that I was one of those fit, good-looking people, but then I realized that I would be stupid. And my mind is too beautiful for that". When he said that, I felt like he stole a page right out of one of my old journals! Oh Jay, sweetheart, I feel your pain.

If you haven't seen Project Jay yet, I highly recommend you set your Tivo, or sit your ass down for an hour to catch it during one of the many reruns in the next couple weeks. Quick side note, there is no way that I could function without my Tivo or iPod. Those are the only two "gadgets" that have changed my life so much that I can't imagine NOT having them.

I will leave you with one final though. Go out and read "The City of Falling Angels" by John Berendt, the same man who wrote "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil". It is a non-fiction book all about Venice, past and present. The story is loosely tied together by the burning down and subsequent rebuilding of the Fenice opera house. It was a really great read. My desire to see Venice has increased one-hundred fold since I read the book. Do yourself a favor and give the book a read.

Sweet the sting

2006-02-22T11:33:00.000-05:00

Did you all miss me? It's OK, I know you did. I should start by apologizing for the length of this post. Grab yourself a cup of coffee and bear with me.

I'm sure that those of you I texted while I was pool-side were really missing me. Ft. Lauderdale was an absolute BLAST. The weather could not have been any more perfect. When I got down there, I stepped outside the airport and was slapped in the face with the warm air. It was between 80 - 85 degrees every day, sunny and not a cloud in the sky.

Rodolfo and Matt picked me up from the airport. Why wasn't Jamie with them? Well, at the last minute Jamie had an anxiety attack and decided to drive down. Yes, drive all 18 hours to Ft. Lauderdale. He left Thursday night and got down there Friday afternoon.

The tone of the weekend was set immediately when we went straight from the airport to the liquor store. Rodolfo dropped about $160 on top shelf liquor for our hotel room. I tried to offer him money for the booze, but he refused. This is after he has already paid for my plane ticket and hotel room. Hot. I could definitely get used to being a kept man! Over the entire weekend, I think I spent less than $200.

I suppose I should pause for a minute to tell you about the hotel. We stayed at the Windamar ("What happens at the Windamar, stays at the Windamar"), a gay resort hotel. It was very cute, clean and close to the beach. Did I mention that it was clothing optional??? Yeah, the video promo shows all these young hot guys lying by the pool in little speedos. When we get in there, it is all daddies and granddaddies. Typical.

They were all very nice, but trust me, there were not many people who you wanted to see in a bathing suit, let alone naked. Eh whatever. It just made me all that more comfortable to sun-bath in the buff. Yes, you read that correctly. The boy who LOATHES to take off his shirt at the GL (unless I am completely shit-faced) was sun-bathing nude this weekend. When in Rome . . . It was very liberating and I think there were even a few moments that I experienced complete acceptance of my appearance. Of course those all disappeared as soon as I stepped outside the hotel back to reality.

Friday night, after pregaming for hours, we finally hit the bars around 1 AM. We checked out the Hot Spots guide, provided by the hotel, and decided to try out Boom. After driving around lost for half an hour, we finally found the bar. In a strip mall. But not just any strip mall. Apparently this was a gay strip mall. There were two or three bars, a couple gay clothing stores, and the Social Security Administration. Not sure of the connection there.

God, there is nothing like a good gay bar in strip mall. I'm sure you can imagine the clientele. Boom seemed to me to be the Apex equivalent down there. Lots of young twinks, video bar on one side and dance club on the other. When we were walking in this guy yelled out, look at that whore in the green shirt. Of course he was talking about me, in my green "Rednecks do it better" shirt. I shot back, "Bitch it pays to advertise" and walked into the club. Jamie was dying. It is moments like that when he realizes just how much I have grown from the scared little "straight" farm boy he met nine years ago.

We stayed until the club closed and did a little dancing, and a bunch of shots. Matt met this cute latino who spoke no English. Matt tried to get his number and that took at least ten minutes. Between the guy not speaking English and Matt being wasted, it was a sight. We may or may not have left there for an after hours party. These things do 'appen.

Saturday we finally woke up around noon and Rodolfo started mixing drinks immediately. That day I got in touch with one of my besties from high school, Jaime (straight girl). I decided to meet up with her that afternoon for some drinks. God, it was so awesome to see her. We haven't seen each other in probably four years. But, all through high school we were really close and then just slowly drifted apart through college. We went to some of the straight tourist bars right on the beach (Fat Tuesdays, etc) and started getting hammered.

I know that we had dinner with her roommate and her roommate's very cute boyfriend. I know that we called my parents and my older sister for Jaime to say hi. I know that we got thrown out of at least one, if not two straight bars. That is all I know for sure. Oh, and that at one point she and I were dancing and there is a picture of me bending her over on the dance floor on my MySpace page.

Everything after that is lost to the black-put. Gay Jamie said that I got home around 10:30 that night, stumbled into the room and slurred something about how I couldn't believe they kicked me out of the bar for being drunk. Then he said I went into the room and passed out with my hand down my pants. Ever the classy lady.

My next memory is of me waking up around 1:30 AM to find everyone else gone. Gay Jamie sent me a text to say that they tried to wake me up to hit the clubs, but it was not happening. I missed a night at Coliseum with Victor Calderon. For that, Poo-Dell smacked me across the face when I saw her on Monday.

Since I got a full night of sleep, I woke up bright and early Sunday morning. I knew that no one else would be up for a while, so I decided to walk down the beach. I walked all the way from our hotel down to the ports and back. Again, I couldn't get over how beautiful the weather was. Even the ocean water was a moderate temperature. I walked in the surf the whole time.

I got back to the hotel and the girls woke up about an hour later. The rest of the morning and part of the afternoon, I spent lying by and in the pool. Around 2, I went inside and showered. That was when I realized just how much sun I got. For any of you that have seen me in JR's the last two nights, you can attest that I am just a touch red. Thankfully, we had decided to see "Gay Sex in the 70's" that afternoon, so I could escape the sun for a bit.

I had no clue what to expect with the movie. I knew it wasn't porn, but not much else. It was a really good movie. Most of it was humorous and interesting to see how gay life was thirty years ago. The movie does get sad at the end when they talk about the AIDS epidemic of the early 80s. I recommend that you go see it, if you haven't already.

That night we went back to the gay strip mall and saw celebrity impersonator "Bethany Owens" at Alibi. I expected a drag queen, but this was an actual woman. She was very good and had me laughing. What I did not enjoy were all the old queens who are her groupies or something. They must have interrupted her show at least a dozen times. Bitch, sit your country ass down. I did not come here to see you jump on stage to take a picture with this woman.

We left there after her show and headed back to Boom. By the time we got there, the club was pretty much dead. Here is where I will get a touch sappy. The DJ was playing some decent music, then went into a mix of Madonna's new single "Sorry". Of course Jamie and I got out on the dance floor. The DJ then played two more songs off the new album. Jamie and I decided that this was our little moment of fate. Here it was, just the two of us tearing up the dance floor to Madonna, nine years to almost the day from when we first met. I'm so thankfully that we have remained friends all these years.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. We closed down Boom again and then went home to pass out. The next morning we all got up early and packed up and were out of the hotel by noon. I had a 1 PM flight from Ft. Lauderdale to Detroit. With a three hour wait until I could fly into National. Ugh. I was so miserable at that point. My skin was tingling and red, and all I wanted was to be back home.

I finally made it home at 9:30 Monday night. What is the first thing I did? Dropped my bags and headed right over to JR's to see Poo-Dell, Blondie and Christian. I only stayed out for a few drinks. Of course, I was right back there last night to see this lady and hear all about her trip to Tokyo.

Thank God I have 8 more days for my skin to heal up before I hit the beaches of Aruba!!!

Just in case . . .

2006-02-15T18:21:00.000-05:00

you were wondering what the weather will be like when I am in Ft. Lauderdale this weekend (taken from here).

FriFeb 17
Partly Cloudy
78°/65°

SatFeb 18
Mostly Sunny
75°/63°

SunFeb 19
Mostly Sunny
76°/66°

MonFeb 20
Sunny
76°/66°

big pimpin'

2006-02-14T21:42:00.000-05:00

You know it's hard out here for a pimp
When he tryin to get this money for the rent
For the Cadillacs and gas money spent
Because a whole lot of bitches talkin shit

Last night Roomie and I watched this movie and now I cannot get that damn Oscar nominated song out of my head. All day long I was sitting at my desk singing "You know it's hard out here for a piiimph". That song will probably be in my head all fucking week.

That is until I get to Ft. Lauderdale Friday afternoon. Holla! I can't wait to get the fuck away from everything for a couple of days. I'm going down with one of my closest friend's, Jamie, his BF Rodolfo, and our friend Matt. All I can tell you is that things will get absolutely out of control and most likely none of the shenanigans will be suitable for my blog. :)

As if that is not enough to make me a little wet, I leave two weeks after that for . . . wait for it . . . Aruba! H O T!!! My sister's pageant coaches invited the two of us down to join them for a week of fun in the sun at their time-share down there. I haven't been to the Caribbean before and I cannot WAIT to head down there when it is still shitty and cold up here. Don't think that I'm going to let me beautiful 21 y.o. sister out of my site for one second though.

I'll be heading back to the Caribbean in May, St. Thomas this time. My friends Stason are getting married down there. God, I love it when my friends decide to get married in far-off destinations. Attention to all my girls in relationships. Weddings in tropical locations are the way to go. Especially with me as a guest!

Putting the damage on

2006-02-13T17:00:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to begin with this weekend. Well, I suppose I should start off with the big fight. I am in a HUGE fight right now with my liver. He is actually refusing even the sight of alcohol right now. He is completely on strike and contemplating a job change. Geez, a weekend and overtime and he gets all up in arms and shit.

Although, this was no ordinary weekend. This was a birthday extravaganza. Yup, Saturday was the official 10th Anniversary celebration of Poo-Dell's Sweet 16. And in typical fashion, we had an entire birthday extravaganza celebration starting with the opening party Thursday night, right through the closing party last night. There's nothing like four solid days of drinking to make the thought of alcohol less appealing than helping Grandma change her colostomy bag.

Thursday night we started with the opening party at JR's, which then moved over to the GL. There may or may not have been some pole dancing there by two of the girls. I won't reveal their identities right now. (Side note, it just dawned on me that in the last seven days, I was drunk for five of them. Spectacular. That is the kind of accomplishment that needs to go on my resume.)

Friday night I thought would be slightly tamer since we had a house party, hosted by the always lovely Annie. Not to be confused with Annie's and the fish bowl. Although, I am pretty sure that these two were drinking wine out of fish bowls. Around 1 AM, Poo-Dell's brother, Good Will Hunting, decided that he absolutely had to go find someone to "penetrate". His words, not mine. Trust me, it sounds even sexier coming out of his Boston-accented mouth. We hit up JR's for the trick buffet and found it to have been well picked over. I did run into a group of guys I randomly spent a weekend with in Key West though. Long story.

The next day I actually stayed home and did domestic shit all day long. Meanwhile, Roomie was off suffering at work. Oh how I laughed at her and her terrible hangover when she got home at 1:30, shortly after I finally woke up. Hehehe. BTW, that bitch is now laughing at me as she sits home watching Oprah and I am miserable at work. That night we finally left the ghetto for our first stop of the night, Blondie's home for some pre-boozing.

From Blondie's, we headed off to SE for some good old-fashion prayer circles, er uh, strippers. Yes, that's what we did. We went to Wet for their 11th Anniversary and for Good Will Hunting (GWH) to "penetrate a strippah".

First of all, Mark Dalton please ask Ms. Turner not to accompany you to the stage when you are "dancing". We all know that Ms. Turner doesn't really understand the "sexy" when she hears a beat. And if you continue to use dance moves from mid-90's raves, I will have to throw my drink at you.

There was absolutely NOTHING sexy about his "performance". Oh, BTW Mr. Dalton, I don't know if you are aware right now, but sweetheart you have apparently starred in multiple porns. You can show me your penis since I can go out and see it on DVD any time I choose! The whole modesty thing really isn't fooling anyone.

Some of the strippers were not bad looking, but I'll have to agree with Dale (who was there along with our other new friend, the delightful Mr. Taylor) that there is nothing sexy about a strip club. Nor is there anything sexy about seeing a man auto-fellate himself and then slap another gentleman on the head with it. Really? Is that hot to either of you? Because if someone slapped me in the face with their dick, I think I might have to punch them in the balls. Unless I was a naughty boy and deserving of that punishment. ;) Kidding people!

After GWH gave out his number to a couple of the strippahs, we finally headed out. By this time, it was 2 AM and not a single cab was to be found in SE. Much to Poo-Dell's dismay, we headed off to metro. I can't tell you the last time I had to do a late-night metro ride from a bar or club. I wasn't that thrilled at the thought either, but when your options are to stand outside in a blizzard and pray for a cab, or to take metro, metro wins in my book.

Even though we were on the line closest to our house, Roomie and I still had a six block walk from the metro to get home. My hair had at least two inches of snow caked around the base of my faux-hawk. Hot.

The next morning, it was time for the closing party, aka brunch at the Beacon followed by drinks at JR's. I love me some brunch at the Beacon. However, I know where these kind of days lead. Sure enough, yesterday was no exception. Of course, we had requested to sit in my girlfriend Desi's section. If you have never had Desi serve your drunks for brunch at the Beacon, you simply don't know what you are missing. What other waitress would go to the bar for you at 4 PM, to get more vodka so that you can have one final batch of mimosas. Oh, and to all of you challengers out there, we have yet to lose a brunch contest so bring it on. We will out last you and be there until we are practically thrown out!

From brunch, working a healthy champagne/vodka buzz, we thought it would be brilliant to pop into Biddy's for a Long Island. Yes, because what we all need now is a drink with multiple shots. Somewhere along the way, GWH invited one of the "dancers" to join us at Biddy's. Of course the strippah that comes in is not at all the one we assumed he was. GWH blamed this fact on the strippah he wanted giving the other his number. I was quick to point out that GWH was drunk enough to believe that he made out with auto-fellator (God that would have been funny), so I can only imagine he was handing out his number like sticks of gum.

After that watching GWH blow of said strippah, it was off to JR's for, well, to be honest a lot of haziness. I remember Taylor showing up at some point. I do not remember spilling my drink on him and then breaking the glass. God, I am such a fucking class act sometimes. Sorry Taylor! I can only imagine how pretty I must have looked. Somehow we left JR's and ended up at Halo. I had no business being in public at this point. Thank God we didn't stay for long.

After a drunk cab ride home, wondering if my drunk mind was imagining things when the news announced that Cheney shot someone, it was home to watch Housewives. Yeah, I definitely don't remember everything that happened. Thank God for Tivo.

Needless to say, I was MISERABLE at work today. Still am. Girls, I love you, but I don't want to see any of you until spring.

update

2006-02-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

Apparently I drunk dialed my sister last night at 1:30 AM to tell her that I love her and that I am excited to be going to Aruba with her. Yeah, don't remember that at all.

last night

2006-02-08T08:54:00.000-05:00

OK, I know that I have been MIA for a while and for that I apologize. I have a ton to blog about, but seeing as how I am still drunk from last night that is not going to happen right now. All I have to say about last night is that I met up with Poo-Dell and DYD for a few drinks. We met up with Dale and later on Chip. Delightful boys, but I don't think my liver will allow me to hang out with you ever again.

We met up with Sean to celebrate hi bf's birthday. Somehow this night of a few beverages amongst friends turned into something out of control. I was definitely in more bars last night than I was over the entire weekend. Good times. Drunk at work at 8:30 in the morning on a Wednesday? Even better times.

Only in my dreams

2006-01-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple nights, I have had some VERY vivid sex dreams. While this is not entirely blog-worthy, the people involved really shocked me. Last night, I definitely had a dream about a guy I work with and didn't remember it until I saw him this morning. I started blushing and immediately had to walk out of the kitchen when I saw him. I definitely have a little crush on this dude, but he is straight and he just basically serves as my eye candy during the day. Well, apparently last night I let all those wicked thoughts out in my dreams. Trust me, it was only too appropriate for me to blush when I saw him after what I was dreaming about!

The other one that I remember was a dream where I was back in high school, hanging out with my best friend Josh. Everything seemed normal, the way I remember things from ten years ago (Jesus I'm getting old). Then suddenly we are just ripping each others clothes off. This was definitely not normal. Then suddenly his family is walking into the room and we are trying to cover up. So weird!

Next thing I know, we are on some huge super-swing, the kind you see at an amusement park. This was right on a beach somewhere. While we were on the swing, something flew out of his pocket, so I ran over to get it. Only problem with this was apparently we were now in Gaza or something because there was this huge fence and snipers started firing at me. What the hell??? So weird. Perhaps I should stop smoking crack before bed.

because of you

2006-01-22T17:38:00.000-05:00

That was the song I woke up to this morning. Err, uh, this afternoon when I finally got out of bed at 2 in the afternoon. Pathetic. I immediately got in the shower, turned on the shower radio (possibly the best thing I got for Christmas), and was greeted by Kelly. Sweet. Even better yet, was the fact that this was immediately followed by Mary's "Be Without You". It was as if they were reading my mind in what songs I wanted to hear. It was the perfect way to finally ease me out of my hang-over.

I really needed a night, or day, of 10 hours of sleep. Over this past week I think I averaged between four and five hours of sleep a night. I definitely woke up at 8:30 this morning though, and was pretty sure that I was dying. My mouth was completely dry, there was a small elf drilling and jack-hammering right behind my eyes, and my entire body ached. God, there is nothing like that feeling after a full night of drinking.

Last night was to be our "low-key" night out. Ha. As if any of us can do anything low-key. We started the night at JR's. Some how I was the first one there. I can't think of the last time I was on time to meet the girls. I had two drinks in me before Christian even showed up. Then the rest of the crew slowly trickled in. Finally, we were about to leave to head across town to Remington's, when the DJ threw a wrench in the plan and played the Tony Moran mix of Mariah's "Don't Forget About Us". Of course, Poo-Dell, DYD and I had to stick around long enough to belt out the song for the rest of the bar. That remix is so fucking hot. I can't wait to use it to work out to this week.

We jumped in a cab and were off to SE. We figured Remington's was a good choice for our low-key night. None of us know the bartenders and the crowd doesn't give off that same, hey let's get shit-faced vibe that the bars of 17th St do. Hehe. Or so we thought. It is never a wise move for me to go out on an empty stomach. I know this only leads me to trouble and a state of drunkenness that is obscene. Oh well. These things do 'appen.

I remember having a lot of fun at Remington's but I can't really remember many specifics of the night. I do remember some girl asking me when I was going to get up and sing Independent Woman. I turned to her and said, "two questions. One, do you want to me to sing Independent Woman Pt. 1 or Pt. 2 and second, who is going to be my Kelly and Michelle. My name is Bernie and they don't call me Bernonce for nothing." See people, this is why it is important for me to have a meal before drinking. Otherwise, I start to think that I am Beyonce and it doesn't take much to have me doing signature model walk across the bar.

My other main memory of the night is DYD acting like teenagers in asking the bartender if he was indeed Mr. Bartender. I can only imagine what an ass I might have made of myself in doing this. Hehe. Gosh, sometimes I am so fucking classy I even amaze myself.

My last memory of the night is of being in the cab with Roomie and his BF, on the phone ordering from Manny & Olga's. I imagine that this conversation sounded like some sort of perverted UN conversation, what with my extreme slurring and the foreign accent of the person taking my order. Thank God I channeled my inner-Martha and had them repeat our order back to me. Twice. But, there was no mayo on my sandwich, so crisis adverted.

Whose bed have your boots been under? Mine apparently

2006-01-20T23:20:00.002-05:00

After reading this blog entry, I got to thinking about am I or aren't I a southerner??? I'll address many of the same points as Dale did in his entry.

1. I was born in DC, also technically south of the Mason-Dixon.

2. Country music? Check. My iPod has its share of Shania, Faith, Dixie Chicks, Dolly, Garth and Tim. Although I can't say that I listen to much country any more. I barely listen to the radio at all.

3. I definitely use many of those wonderful terms like y'all and hun. It also took me YEARS to remove that glaring R in the middle of words like waRsh and waRshington. I also totally sound Balmer when I pronounce ambulance. It takes serious mental concentration to not put a big ole accent somewhere in the middle of the word.

4. When it comes to friend food, here is where I differ. We didn't fry that much food in my family.

5. I will agree with the flirting thing. I think it is just a combination of manners and breeding.

Now, I have to add my own points about why I think I am a southerner. Or at least a redneck at heart. I grew up on a 22 acre working farm. We had ponies when I was younger. My sister and I raised AND showed market lambs for 4-H. Pictures of my days in 4-H are forth-coming.

Until I was 20, the biggest city I had ever visited was DC. I never left the county I was raised in, until I studied abroad.

My dad owns the ugliest truck you have ever seen. It is a 70's Chevy pick-up in pumpkin orange with brown spots, to paint over the rust. Tell me that is not a little bit 'neck.

I learned to drive a tractor LONG before the state would permit me to drive a car. Oh, and I drove said tractor on the road all the time, doing errands for the neighbors. You never know when you might need a big-ass hole drilled in your yard or your three acres of brush mowed with a Bush-Hog.

However, I never did, nor do I now, have cowboy boots or a cowboy hat. I do have a "Rednecks do it better" t-shirt though.

I also don't have a name with a fancy -Bob or -Jo tacked onto it. But, don't we all agree that Bernard Aloysious Schwartz, III is cruel enough???

mother

2006-01-20T23:20:00.001-05:00

Last weekend, I got the text I was dreading. Quinn wrote to let me know that Jeff's mom passed away in her sleep on Friday night, the 13th. Quick background. My junior year of college I became best friends with Jeff, my little brother in the fraternity. He was dating this girl Quinn since high school and I eventually got to be really close to her as well. Jeff and I lived together for a year and were brothers in every sense of the word. His family was mine and vice versa. That was even true of Quinn's family.

I'll never forget, over Christmas break in late 99, Jeff came into my room after a serious bender and told me that his mom, Ellen, had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I suspected that something had been bothering him for a couple days, but waited for him to come to me. I was a little hurt that he didn't come to me sooner. I mean, who can better understand this than your best friend who has already beaten testicular cancer himself??? I understood that he needed time to digest it all though.

Over the years, his mom's health would yo-yo. I never pressed Jeff on the issue, and would only ask the innocent, how is your family, how is your mom, type of questions. Then I would get the full story from Quinn. I knew that she was under-going a lot of treatments because the cancer was spreading.

On New Years Day this year, I called Jeff to catch up after the holidays. During our chat, I asked the obligatory question about how his mom was. This is where Jeff departed from our well-worn script and let me know that his mom was not doing well at all. He told me how he accompanied his parents to her doctor and found out that she only had a few weeks to live. Jeff pretty much dropped everything at this point and stayed in Jersey with his family.

A few days later I talked to Quinn's best friend Melissa. She let me know that Ellen's condition had improved and they thought that the drim prognosis may have been caused by her being on improper meds. I then didn't think much about this, until the morning of the 14th when I woke up to Quinn's text telling me that Ellen passed in her sleep. I had to read the words three times just to final comprehend what I was reading.

I have experienced death more times than I would care to, but never a parent before. It has always been a grandparent who was sick, or great-uncle or aunt or something. I knew that Jeff's world was probably reeling, but in typical Jeff fashion, I also knew that he was keeping it all together to carry his brothers, his father and even his grandparents (who have now outlived both of their children). Talking to Melissa, she confirmed all of this.

I found out from her that the viewing would be held on Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning, with the funeral Wednesday afternoon. The family wanted to wait that long because Wednesday would have been Ellen's 54th birthday. Ugh, can it get any sadder? I came into work on Tuesday and informed my boss that I would be leaving that afternoon and not coming back until Thursday morning. My boss tried to give me some bullshit about how I couldn't take time off during quarterly statement period. Oh, the joys of working in the financial industry. I just went above his head to the director and got the time approved.

I jumped on MARC and met Melissa at Penn Station in Baltimore. We drove up to Jersey and went straight to Quinn's parent's house. This is where Jeff and Quinn were staying, in addition to the two of us. First, it was so good to see Jeff, Quinn, their adorable little girl Isabel, and Quinn's family. I really hate that the first time seeing any of them in months is because of the passing of Ellen.

The entire experience was difficult, moreso than I expected it to be. First, it was hard to see Jeff and his brothers in so much pain. Second, it really made me realize that this could be me one day soon. Both of my parents are in their 60's, nearly ten years older than Ellen was. Granted, she had a terminal illness, but you never know what tomorrow holds.

During the funeral, I started thinking about what I would do if I lost my mother. I decided that I would be an absolute wreck. I am very close to my mother, as I imagine many gay men are. I am close to my whole immediate family though. Death sucks and I will be wreck if any of them pass.

I also realized that of all my friends, seven of them have buried at least one of their parents. Five of them have buried their fathers. Roomie and I even had a little conversation about how I am one of the few people he knows whose parents are still alive and together. I am very lucky in that regard and I don't acknowledge that often enough.

I know there is more that I want to say about this, but I just can't make the words form into coherent thoughts.

leather

2006-01-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

look i'm standing naked before you
don't you want more than my sex
i can scream as loud as your last one
but i can't claim innocence

oh god could it be the weather
oh god why am i here
if love isn't forever
and its not the weather
hand me my leather

I don't think that any song could more perfectly capture the spirit of MAL weekend for me. Bonus points to anyone that names the album this is from. Come on people, this is an easy one.

So, I just spent the last hour writing this really awesome, funny post going into all the details of my MAL weekend. Apparently, Blogger thought I was taking entirely too long and logged me out before I had the time to publish it. Sorry folks, but I don't have the energy to do it again.

I will tell you this much, Sunday night was out of control. Dave was definitely serving us glasses of straight vodka at JR's. He must have been, because I don't think JR's has a license to sell gasoline.

Oh, one other quick thing that I need to point out. In the forever lost blog entry, I nicknamed two BF's of Mean Girls. DYD is currently seeing a fellow we shall henceforth call Sweetie and Poo-Dell is now seeing Blondie, who you may recall Poo-Dell met this night.

The most important thing to know about my MAL weekend is that I decided that I LOATHE cigar smoke and that leather is definitely not my scene.

don't forget about us

2006-01-18T22:11:00.000-05:00

I am LONG overdue for a blog posting and for that I apologize. Shit has been kind of crazy in the last week though. Between MAL weekend and Jeff's mom passing away, I haven't had a moment to even catch my breath. With that said, there are two blogs coming, one about MAL weekend and one about the funeral and my impromptu trip to Jersey this week. I needed to get this shit out of my head right away though.

Tonight I got home from NJ and FINALLY had a chance to sit down and chat with roomie. This is the first time we've seen each other since Thursday night last week. I know, this shouldn't be a big deal, but we are sisters and I miss the bitch when she is gone gallivanting to NYC. So, back to the point. Roomie and I were sitting around talking about everything that has happened in the last week and the subject of relationships came up. Apparently, I am the last single Mean Girl standing.

Here's the thing about that. I don't care. I am not, nor have I ever been, the kind of person that needs to be in a relationship. Yes, there are definitely moments when I wish that I had a special someone in my life. I'd be lying if I didn't say that. Yet, I am in NO HURRY to find some man to settle down with and call my boyfriend. I figure, when it happens, it will happen. There is no use in me rushing things, or searching endlessly for some person that may not even be in this country for all I know!!!

Part of me REALLY hates it when friends are ever so kind as to point out that I am the only single one standing. Thanks bitch. I appreciate you pointing out the fact that is so blatantly obviously by the odd number of people standing in this circle!!! Or by the fact that I am the ONLY PERSON not slobbering on some boy's neck in the middle of a bar. I know they mean well, but uh, it kind of makes me want to smack you across the face. You don't point out to a cripple that he is in a wheelchair do you??? I love you girls, but the next time one of you says that I am the only one who is single, you will be slapped. Consider this your one and only warning.

Yes, I do eventually want a man, a family, a home, the "American Dream". This is what I am working towards. But, right now I feel that there is so much else in my life to focus on, that I don't need to be staying up at night worrying about why I am single. Right now, I would so rather focus on sticking to a diet and work-out plan. I would rather focus my time and energy on getting myself into a grad program and starting off down the path to professional happiness.

I guess I have been single for so long that I have just grown accustomed to it, and don't look at it as some sort of fatal flaw or something that needs correcting. I can't emphasize enough, for me, IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HAPPENS. There are a lot of things that will change when I meet someone worthy of my time and attention, but until then I am going to continue living my life for me.

Now to the title of this blog. In addition to simply loving this song, let's not forget girls (you three know who you are), that before we were 7, we were 4. The four of us. Don't forget that each of us had lives together as friends before any of us had a boyfriend. I am so happy for each of you, but just try to make a little time for a night of just the four of us. You know, a night to satisfy your tragically flawed single sister. ;)

hurts so good

2006-01-13T11:33:00.000-05:00

Last night, the four of us got together at JR's. Drunkenness ensued. We started the night at JR's for happy hour. This is always bad news. Thankfully, Dave wasn't there last night so there were no glasses of straight vodka. Because of this, nothing crazy happened at JR's. Well, I may have bought roomie two Jack and Cokes. That was just to make sure that she was well lubricated (only socially though, she comes pre-lubed these days) for the rest of the night.

We left JR's and walked over to the Lantern for some shirtless free drinking. On the way, Roomie and Poo-Dell were sweet enough to serenade us with all the songs from Little Shop. The residents of Mass Ave may not have paid for it, but they got a show last night!

Eventually DYD's bf and I ran ahead of the group because I was seriously about to piss my pants. Once we were in the GL, I didn't hesitate for one moment to whip my shirt off. I mean, I took it off the last time and didn't get the benefit of the free drinks. I wasn't fucking around this time!

This is where things get hazy. No, no black-outs last night or anything, but I just don't remember exactly the sequence of things from the rest of the time at GL. I know that Roomie and I ran into Shawn-tel and the Island Black Girl, whom we haven't seen in weeks. I also know that we ran into Bethany (boy Bethany) and chatted with her. I know that at the end of the night, I ran into a leather-master from work. Oh, and that one of his friends/slave/subject shoved his hand down my pants, grabbed my package and then smelled it. Thanks? How exactly does one respond to that?

So, this co-worker, Slavery as we refer to him around the office, is quite the interesting character. Apparently he is very good at training slaves and such. Even will teach you the proper use of a CB2000. If you don't know what one is, Google it. I did and boy was I surprised. What a fun joke that would be to play on a passed out friend (Poo-Dell, I'm looking at you). Anyway, Slavery and I had a very long conversation about leather, his hot slave in Boston, and closeted co-workers. Good times.

In between all of these run-ins, I was going up to the DJ requesting all my favorite bitches. I was very disappointed that they didn't have the remix to Mary's "Be Without You". I know I heard it there on New Year's, but it must have been a different DJ that night. Highlight of the night, without a doubt, was the Tony Moran mix of "House is not a Home" by Deborah. I have been dying to hear that song out, and I requested it when they didn't have Mary. Of course by this point, we have all split up. I sent Roomie and Poo-Dell a text to let them know it was coming on. Then I had my own private dance party. I tore that song up. Little did I know that Roomie was doing the same downstairs. Don't get in the way of a bitch and her Deborah remix!

I finally found Roomie again, but no one else was to be found. Including DYD and her BF with the coat-check ticket. Cute. Thank God I am too drunk to notice that I am wearing only a t-shirt as I walk out of the GL.

For whatever reason, definitely the Jack, Roomie had a hankering to head to the Dirty Bird to see a little preview of what MAL will offer. I protested, but in the end, her will was too strong for me. We walked over there, Roomie bitching the whole way in her fuck-me pumps (don't wear your FMP's on a night out next time!). We got there, took a lap or two around the bar and then headed out. We were both drunk and exhausted and staying there would have only lead to bad things. Besides, I have to save something for Greet the Meat tonight!

I will now leave you with this warning. Today is Friday the 13th, the start of Mid-Atlantic Leather, a four day weekend, and tomorrow is a full moon. All of this adds up to trouble. DC you have been warned. Even though we will be one Mean Girl short this weekend, it is going to be out of control.

real men

2006-01-11T18:32:00.000-05:00

Last night I FINALLY saw Brokeback Mountain. What a great fucking movie. I read Annie Proulx's short story back in December and cried at the end. In the middle of jury duty. Tears, streaming down my face. The movie was just as moving, but I didn't cry this time. I did leave it feeling sad though. Heath Ledger definitely gave an amazing performance. I definitely think this movie deserves at least a nomination for Best Picture. All four of the lead actors were good and the story of lost love, unrequited love and hardship is a universal theme, whether you are a gay cowboy, or a grandmother.

I think that the thing that made me most sad about this movie is that, even though it ended in the 80s, you know that there are so many people living in small towns across this country pretending to be someone they aren't. I can't imagine never being able to express my love for someone, except for three or four times a year in the middle of the wilderness.

You have to wonder if some of the more rural parts of the country will ever be accepting of gays. At least to the point that young people won't be afraid to be themselves. I'm sure it will be somewhat similar to race relations, in so much that conditions will improve, but that hatred and bigotry will never completely disappear. It is lamentable how people find it so much easier to hate rather than to accept anything different.

I will definitely see this movie again. Hopefully, not at the Dupont Cinema though. The screen was small and the projector extremely noisy. Ang Lee uses, very effectively, a lot of silence in the movie, to force the focus completely onto the emotions of the characters. The loud projector ruined some of this effect for me though. All said, this is one of those movies where the emotion of it all will stay with me long after the last frame has faded.

4

2006-01-08T23:23:00.000-05:00

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: dog kennel worker, waiter, elementary Spanish teacher, phone center rep
Four movies you could watch over and over: Braveheart, Moulin Rouge, Silence of the Lambs, Amelie
Four places you’ve lived: Woodbine, Westminster, Sevilla, DC (sorry, I was a simple country boy until I was 20!)
Four TV shows you love to watch: Lost, Project Runway, Rome, Desperate Housewives
Four places you’ve been on vacation: Key West, Tangier, Barcelona, Santorini
Four websites you visit daily: DListed, Washington Post, CNN, many friends' blogs
Four of your favorite foods: helmet cake, Reese's Peanut Butter, Mom's oven fried chicken, Granny's homemade green beans
Four places you’d rather be: Santorini, any time before noon - my bed, Sevilla, any place with my besties
Four albums you can’t live without: This question more than anything else is killing me. Asking me to pick just four albums is like asking a mother of four to only save one child from a burning building. OK, maybe not that dramatic, but if I must you will have to give me five because the last two are a tie. Tori Amos "Little Earthquakes", Janet Jackson "The Velvet Rope", Madonna "The Immaculate Collection", Christina Aguilera "Stripped", and Some By Sea "Get Off The Ground If You're Scared"
Four magazines you read: Entertainment Weekly, Smithsonian, Sports Illustrated (I have a subscription for some reason), Cargo
Four cars you’ve owned: '87 Ford Escort, '91 Ford Escort (both hand me downs from my dad and both of them I drove into the ground), '01 Saturn SL1 which I had until December '04 when I totaled it on I-95 outside of Baltimore. Now I have no car at all. :(

be without you

2006-01-08T01:34:00.000-05:00

The title of this blog is two fold. First, I CANNOT stop listening to Mary J's new song of the same title. Her new album is amazing and I recommend that you go and listen to it. Secondly, apparently my dear old friend shenanigans and I cannot be without each other.

Tuesday at work I got a text message from Jamie inquiring as to my plans for the evening. I should have known right then and there what I was in for. Silly me, I thought that when Jamie said he wanted to meet for one or two drinks after work the night would end there. Of course it didn't.

We had a couple drinks at the Fireplace first. Yes, I did say the Fireplace. Yes, it is very dark and kind of sleazy in there, but Jamie loves it there and I enjoy the looks I get in there from all the sleazy mens. ;) Over drinks, Jamie pointed out to me that I am looking really good lately, like I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I never really thought of it like that, but he is right. I am comfortable with who I am. Granted, there are things about my appearance that I hate and want to change (who doesn't???) but overall I am happy with who I am. I think that I have finally reached the point of not giving a shit about what the bitter twink in the corner thinks of my appearance. There is so much more to life and if you can't accept me for who I am, then walk on by.

As we are drinking and catching up, I text Poo-Dell telling him to meet us out. He, of course, refuses. Jamie and I leave Fireplace and call Dianez to see if she would like to meet up with us. We pick her up at her apartment and then head over to DIK Bar to see Gladys set up for a night of karaoke. By this time, I have talked Poo-Dell into meeting up with us. Here is where the night spins out of control. There were some gin drinks, purchased by Jamie, knowing full well what those juniper berries do to us!

Jamie and Dianez headed out for the night, leaving Poo-Dell and I, half-lit, on 17th St. So what did we do? Headed out to JR's for another couple hours of drinking. After hanging out with Abbas for a bit, we dediced to hit one more Dupont watering hole for a night cap. Of course, in this establishment we both made acquantences of gentlemen of class and high social standing. Hehe. Or something like that.

Fast forward to 12:30 AM when I am finally getting home. Now, let's talk for a minute about how FUCKING miserable I was at work on Wednesday. Thank God I have my new video iPod with a bunch of episodes of "The Office" on it. I think I watched four or five that day just to pass the time.

7

2005-12-31T12:13:00.000-05:00

7 Things I plan to do before I die:

Go sky diving
Earn a PhD in education
Travel to at least one new place every year of my life
See my future children graduate college
Appear as a contestant on the Amazing Race with my sister
Perform the "If" dance break-down flawlessly
Officially tell my father that I am gay

7 Things I can do:

Find a McDonalds in a new/foreign city (have had this ability since I was 4 y.o.)
Make a helmet cake
Speak, read and write in fluent Spanish
Play the trumpet
Tell you more than ever wanted to know about Tori Amos and Janet Jackson
Find the humor in any situation, even testicular cancer
Spend hours in an art gallery (just ask my sister)

7 Things I can't do:

Stay focused on "work"
Have just one or two drinks with the girls
Resist a man with chest hair and/or pleasure trails
Contemplate sex with a woman. Again.
Say no to Jamie.
Stay mad at my sisters, gay or biological.
Ever be satisfied with my appearance.

7 Things that attract me to men (or women if that's your thing):

Dark hair, blue eyes
Intelligence
Sarcasm and humor
A nice round ass
Shorter than me, stocky build
Chest hair (see above)
Big arms

7 Things I say most often:

Is that what's hot? Using up all your any time minutes?
That's hot
Obvi
Fuck me
Der
Look at the pot calling the kettle black
Get it bitch!

7 Celebrity crushes:

Jake Gyllenhaal (Do I really need to put six more down? Can't I just repeat his name six times?
Cillian Murphy
Colin Farrell
Ryan Reynolds
Matthew Fox
Ray Stevenson (Titus Pullo from HBO's Rome)
Russell Crowe

Good woman down

2005-12-30T16:08:00.000-05:00

So, last night was completely out of control. I knew that it would be too. I met up with Chuck and Chris right after work and we headed off to JR's. After our first drink to ease into the night, Chris started up with his "Dave, this drink is too weak. I need something that will singe my nose hairs". And thus shenanigans made one of her final appearances for the year. Oh yes, I was out in my full glory.

I will now play the game that Chris loves to play, Fill in the Blanks.

- I remember leaving JR's to go to McDonald's
- I remember showing up at Green Lantern and refusing to take my shirt off
- I remember subsequently taking my shirt off, AFTER shirtless men drink free ended
- I remember making music requests and getting very excited when they were played
- I remember leaving the Lantern with two gentlemen and Chuck
- I remember falling flat on my face on S St., trying to give back attitude
- I remember going back to one gentleman's apartment where his friend and I made out on the couch, next to Chuck making out with the other dude

- I remember the guy telling me he has a boyfriend in NYC, and I remember telling him that I didn't care because the boyfriend wasn't there

- I remember finally leaving at 3 AM to head home, only to have to go back and steal Chuck's keys so that I could get my stuff out of his apartment.

Oh yes, I am such a classy bitch! Thank God we did nothing more than make out like a bunch of nervous 14 year olds. In the moment, I was pissed that dude wouldn't even give me a tug job. But, we can't always get what we want can we???

Jingle balls

2005-12-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

This posting is long over due. The last two weeks has been kind of out of control, starting with Thursday, the 15th. That night, roomie and I met up after work and went to see King Kong. Un. Fucking. Believable. Go see this movie. I had my doubts how a three hour movie about an ape could be good, but it is amazing. There was an entire hour of the movie where I was pushed all the way back in my seat because the action was so intense. And I'll admit, I did shed a tear or two at the end. For an animated ape!!! Again, go see this freaking movie.

Friday morning, we woke up and got ready to leave for New York for the weekend. We had made plans to meet up with my friend Jamie and his boyfriend Rodolfo at metro. They happened to be going to NYC for the weekend as well, and offered to give us a ride up. When they pulled up in Rodolfo's E class Mercedes, we were treated to fine cheeses and crackers in the back seat, and Jamie mixing drinks for us from the front. We rode to New York in first class, just like fucking ladies!!

We showed up at roomie's NYC pad (aka the boyfriend's) and hung out for a couple hours, making plans for the evening. They tried to pull the wool over my eyes by taking us to a "hot, new restaurant" in the Meat Packing District. Nice try! Too bad I went to that restaurant LAST YEAR when it was the hotness!!! Hehe. We ended up at this cute Italian place, and I had the best lasagna I've had in ages.

We decided then to go out for just a couple drinks, with our friend Jimmy. We hit a couple bars and then decided to call it a night around 2. The next day I met up with Rob and did some serious damage to my bank account at the Barney's Co-Op. A new pair of Diesel's, two pairs of shoes and a shit-load of skin-care products later and we hit the streets. It was so great to spend the afternoon catching up with Rob.

We had some really deep conversations about love and life. During these conversations, Rob made a great point to me and I made a dramatic decision. You see, I completely hate my job. Don't get me wrong, I love the people I work with, I just don't enjoy the actual work. So, I have decided that I am going to quit this job some time next summer and go back to school full-time for my Masters. I am going to get a degree in Elementary Education and become a teacher. This, I think, will make me happy. Pretty big right?

After all of this, I jumped on a train out to Long Island for the party with my sister's pageant coaches. I had an absolute blast hanging out with them. I got RIDICULOUSLY drunk that night. I guess that the combination of no food, tequila, vodka and gin will do that. How drunk was I? So drunk that I grabbed a straight guy's dick at the end of the night. In my defense, dude was walking around the party with an obvious boner all night long. I made it my job to discuss said boner with just about everyone at the party, trying to figure out if he was having an adverse reaction to Viagra, wearing a cock-ring or just really excited to be there. God, sometimes I am so fucking classy. I think I finally passed out around 3 AM, in a love seat, fully dressed.

The next morning I woke up and headed back to the city to meet up with everyone for brunch. That of course turned into afternoon drinks at The Gym, then we were off to XL where I stayed until 8. Of course when I got back to meet up with roomie, I was drunk again. Let me tell you just how fun that bus ride back to DC was all drunk!

Thankfully, things calmed down the next week. Until Jamie took me out for drinks the Thursday before Christmas. I'm sure I smelled like tequila when I was on the metro out to meet my parents later that evening. The holidays were really good this year. I spent most of my time at my parents house, working on a rocking elephant for my friend Gaby's nephew, Nate. Yes, my butch-ness has entered a whole new level. I started out with some blocks of wood and plywood, this became a totally adorable gray elephant on rockers with a seat and a bushy tail! For you non-believers, I have pictures that I will post as soon as I get them from my dad. The elephant was a big success with everyone at Gaby's.

I finally got back to the city on Monday evening. I spent that night setting up the apartment with all the new things I got for Christmas, including the leather chair and ottoman. Thanks Mom and Dad! This week has actually been nice, but odd. Roomie has been back home with his family, so I've had the place to myself. I haven't had a place to myself for longer than a few hours since I left my efficiency last summer. It has been great, but taken a little time to adjust. Roomie come home already!!! ;)

The Morning After

2005-12-14T14:37:00.000-05:00

Last night was the JR's Christmas party. All my girls were there and we definitely made up for not hanging out, all of us together, in the last few months. Two hours of open bar plus the four of us (actually, now five with the welcome addition of Brian) are all well on our way to drunk.

One of the first things we did was to go upstairs to have our family photo taken with Mr. & Mrs. Claus. It was a beautiful photo, and I promise to post it here as soon as I get it scanned. The rest of the night was spent fighting the crowd, socializing with all our many friends, and consuming as much free booze as possible. Mission accomplished!

By the end of the night, I definitely do not remember leaving. I do remember running into Andrea, my hairdresser, at 7-11 though. I also remember apologizing for not calling her friend back after our second date. She too was drunk, and told me not to worry about it. We then started hugging in the middle of 7-11, professing our love for each other. Classic.

My other favorite memory of the night is when Big Ken told Nick that he probably wouldn't like The Mill, it would be too ethnic for him. When Nick then told Ken that I have been there, Ken replied, of course she has, she is black. Love it. Even my little sister has been told multiple times that she must be part black. There must have been something in the water when my mom was growing up in SE DC. Hehe.

Oh, also two of us girls apparently tried to Dr. Phil another sister, eyes half closed, talking over each other, swaying back and forth. Classy. Nothing like a counseling session after a night of drinking. Just know that it was all said with love and the best intentions Poodle! All in all, it was a great night out.

Today, on the other hand, I definitely want to die. I woke up at 6 this morning because there was a midget jack-hammering inside my skull. I then had to get up every twenty minutes for another glass of water until I finally got out of bed at 8:30. Oh yeah, technically, I am supposed to be at work at 8:30. Well, today it was almost 10 before I got here. Oh well. Thank God my boss is out today. There is no way I am going to get anything work related done today. All I want to do is climb back into my bed. How in the hell was I able to do this four or five nights a week??? OMG, I am getting old. Someone shoot me before I start rushing home to watch reruns of Matlock.

Crazy for you

2005-12-14T14:12:00.000-05:00

News flash: At 5:15 PM Monday December 12, 2005 my new baby arrived. Oh yes, she is sleek, petite, black and the cutest thing ever. That's right, my new 60 gig video iPod is here!!! Words cannot even begin to describe how happy I am right now.

Since I picked it up from FedEx Monday evening, I've done NOTHING at work but upload music onto it. Somehow, I had 11 gigs of music on my work computer. Oops. Thank God Baby Bernoncé arrived when she did. IT was installing some new programs on my computer Monday night and my hard drive was practically full with music. I was able to copy most of it over to my iPod and delete it off.

The first night, I bought about ten videos off of iTunes and then spent an hour laying in bed watching them all. The picture is incredible. Every time I turn it on, I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. ;)

For the longest time, I fought against getting an iPod. My first mp3 player was by Archos. Looking back, that thing was like the early PCs in the 80s: big, bulky, unattractive and a tiny screen with no pictures. My next step was the iRiver 20 gig. I loved that little boy. The best part about it was that it had a remote, so I could keep the device in my bag, and just navigate using the remote. Sadly, I was an idiot and killed that one this summer. I seriously had a breakdown when I realized what I had done.

I broke the iRiver on a Saturday and on Monday went out to buy the iPod Shuffle. I was planning on getting one just for working out anyway. But, I had to get something to hold me over until I could buy a new full-sized unit. My shuffle has been very good to me and was a good way to ease me into the world of Apple products.

By the time Apple unveiled the video iPod, I was pretty certain that I was going to get one. I did some comparative research and Apple was basically the only company offering an mp3 player larger than 20 gig. Since I had almost filled my 20 gig iRiver, I knew that my next player had to be substantially bigger.

I don't regret my decision at all. Baby Bernoncé is making me so incredibly happy. I can almost tolerate being on the 80 every day now!! Oh, and should anyone try to rob my iPod from me on metro, they are going to be in for a surprise. This bitch is going to fight back with a fury they have never seen. I may not look tough, but you'd be amazed what I am capable of with just a little anger. Don't mess with me and my music!!!

mine again???

2005-12-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

Today I went out to my parents house for the night, to do some Christmas shopping, finish refurbishing the dining room chairs, and start building two rocking horses for Isabel and Nate (two 1 year olds of Baltimore friends Jeff & Quinn and Mikey & Michelle). God I am so butch sometimes that I even surprise myself. Hehe. So as I rode out to Shady Grove on metro, I finished reading "The Rules Of Attraction" by Bret Easton Ellis. Overall, a good book, completely fucked-up but good. One part really stood out to me though.

"PAUL . . . It's so nauseating that you are about to get up and leave, sit somewhere else. What's even more nauseating is that you don't. You stay because Steve is hot. And this depresses you, makes you think, will you always be the quintessential faggot? Will you only pant after the blond-tan-good-body-stupid-goons? And will you always ignore the smart, caring, sensitive type, who might be four-foot-three and have acne on his back but who is still, essentially, bright?"

For some reason, this whole passage really jumped off the page at me. After I read this, I had to stop reading for just a minute and think back on my life. How many people had I brushed off, given the cold shoulder, only because I was secretly hopping that the hotter guy across the room would notice me? Had I passed over some amazing people just because their appearance wasn't Abercrombie perfect? Even more so, how many people had passed me by, just because you can't shred cheese off my stomach?

God, what great thoughts for a Saturday night. Wait, why aren't you at Nation for white party, you ask? Well, I have 'representation' there tonight in the form of Tara, Reid and Paris. You bitches know who you are. Divas to the dance floor please! Trust me, the last thing any tweaked out twink would want to see tonight is me in all white. Whose making smores, because there is a marshmallow in the corner. Hehe.

It was really nice to spend the evening with the fam though. All six of us sat down to dinner together and then put up the Christmas tree. With all of us technically out of the house now, I know that it means a lot to my parents when we are all home. Tomorrow I'll probably spend the day working in the wood shop with my dad. Maybe after that we will watch the Redskins game. I doubt it, only because they will want to get me back to the city before night falls.

My entire weekend has not been spent being the butch farm boy my father hoped I'd be. Last night Triple B came over for dinner and a movie. I told him to be at my place at 8, so in typical TB fashion he showed up at 7:55. And I, in typical fashion, was still in the shower, not even close to being ready. Glad to see that nothing has changed in three years. After a few minutes of attitude, I had supplied him with his first drink to take the edge off. We ordered the food and tried to watch Mr. & Mrs. Smith. The copy my friend made for me did not want to play, so we just watched one of the Kathy Griffin specials on Bravo.

We went to bed, neither of us really sure of what was going to happen. No worries readers, this isn't about turn into smut (and more information than you ever wanted). Thankfully, Triple B came with his defensive walls in full force, all 18 emotional and physical walls. Trust me, it was a an accomplishment that we even cuddled on the couch and again in bed. Yet, at the same time, part of me is glad that it didn't spiral into an all out fuck-fest last night. We have been there, and if things keep going well, we will probably be there again. No need to rush things and try to force something.

All I know is that I had fun being with him last night and look forward to the next time we can get together. Will he and I get back together officially? No clue. But, no point in wasting my time thinking about that.

she's your cocaine

2005-12-09T15:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a first for me. I had to report to the DC District Court for jury duty. Actually, I almost completely forgot that I even had jury duty. Had it not been for the straight couple on Queer Eye meeting at jury duty, I would probably be writing this from the pokey! "Jail ain't nothing like that Tina!!"

So, it was an interesting experience to say the least. First of all, I had to get up WAY earlier than I ever get up for work. Not cute. I am definitely not a morning person, especially when you make me get up really early. I was awake at 6:30 yesterday. I can't tell you the last time I was waking up that early. However, I could probably tell you the last time I was going to bed that late. I stumbled my way through my morning routine, with one eye open, and was out the door by 7:20. I had to catch the 80 to Judiciary and I was not about to risk being late because of the games the bus plays.

I made it to the courthouse on time and got in line to check in. I then went to the jury waiting area and found a seat in the back, away from most other people. No, I was in no mood to make new friends. I slipped my head phones back on and fell asleep for at least fifteen minutes. Finally someone came in at 9:15 to show us this kick ass video from the 80s about how jury selection happens. I'm telling you, there were some FIERCE hair styles in the video. That was pretty much the only thing keeping my attention through the video.

After that, we were left to sit and wait again for the first jury pool to be announced. I started reading Annie Proulx's "Brokeback Mountain". Yes, this is the story that the movie is based on. I enjoyed the story and have a feeling that the movie is going to be phenomenal. If only because it will make it easier for me to visualize Jake Gyllenhaal in hot gay sex. Oh, Jakey G.

So after about 50+ people were called for the first jury grouping, I sat about another 30 minutes waiting for another group to be announced. I was one of the last people called for the second group. We were lined up outside of the courtroom and then sent in according to the order in which our number was announced. While waiting in line, we were given a questionnaire that the judge would go over with us inside. We took our seats in the gallery, and then the judge gave us instructions on what to do with the form. After that, white noise was turned on in the gallery while the judge and lawyers spoke with each potential juror about any possible conflicts they had with being a juror on the case.

Oh, I guess I should back up and explain the case. It was a criminal trial against a man accused of possession of and intent to distribute cocaine. Dude was arrested at 3rd and D St. NW. Best part of it all? Yeah, the court is just a short two blocks away. Brilliant. The defense counsel brought in his two witnesses, two teenage ghetto girls. They were clearly wearing their best over-sized hoop earrings and hoodies.

So, the individual interviews with the judge seemed to take forever. I had already started and finished "Brokeback Mountain" in the first jury waiting area. Thankfully, I had brought my book along with me too. I think I read about 100 pages of "The Rules of Attraction". I will definitely have that finished this weekend. (Quick sidebar: I have been reading like a crazed man lately. I think that I have finished six books in the last month alone. Jealous of my active social life??? You and I both.)

I finally got up and spoke with the judge and lawyers. I had not answered yes to any of the questions on the form, meaning I had no potential conflicts of interest. However, I was fully expecting to recognize the defendant from the corner of 1st and U St NW right down from my house. No such luck though. The District Attorney only wanted to know what I do for a living and the judge asked what neighborhood I live in. That was it. Then I sat there for another 30 minutes while they finished questioning the other potential jurors.

After every one was done, the judge turned off the white noise and then announced the first 14 people who would possibly serve for this trial. The lawyers then eliminated about six people before finally settling on their 14. Then the judge dismissed us all back to the main office to check in. I was completely starving at this point since it was already 12:15. When we got in line, I heard the most wonderful thing I'd heard that entire day. We were free to leave and did not need to return. Woo hoo!

So, what did I do with this free afternoon? Maybe take in some of the re-worked permanent exhibits at the National Gallery? Volunteer at a soup kitchen? Nope. I went home, at lunch and then took a four hour nap. This is what you get when you wake me up before 8 AM. It still beat the hell out of being at work though.

I don't wanna cry

2005-12-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

First of all, ALEX IS GONE!!!! Never again will I come home from work and find him sitting in the apartment, high as a kite.

It has been a blast having Nick as a roommate. Until last night. when I got home from work, he was already there. I went straight to his room to say hi and see how he was doing. I knew he had a rough morning at work, so we immediately started talking. One hour and a hella serious conversation later, we are suddenly looking for a dog to adopt. I desperately want a dog down here. I have two 'babies' back home at my parents, but I want my own here in the city!!

We found a bunch of possible candidates, all of which I wanted to adopt immediately. This is where I am horrible because, inevitably, I will want to adopt each and every one I see. There were a couple with sob stories that brought a tear or two to our eyes. I finally had a reality check and said that we have to wait until after the holidays to get a dog. It would be unfair to get an animal, and then put it through two weekends of staying with someone else while we are traveling. I will have a dog of my own next year though.

By this time, I thought that I'd had more than enough emotional moments for one night. Oh no. Apparently it was only beginning. We watched an episode of Oprah from last season. Cut to the two of us frantically wiping tears from our cheeks. Then we decided to watch the season premier of Queer Eye: The Wedding Season. Cut back to us crying again. Roomie, I love you, but if we sit on that damn couch, crying, one more time we will officially be women.

Too bad there is no more furniture to assemble. I think that I might offer to change someone's car oil, just to butch up a little. Who am I kidding? Tonight I'll be sitting on the couch, watching every minute of Project Runway.

smack my bitch (of a roommate) up

2005-11-20T22:39:00.001-05:00

After my pleasant evening out with Scott, I expected to come home to some sort of chaos. Alex had decided to go out to JR's this evening. This is a fun equation that I am very familiar with. Take one socially awkward gay-boy, throw in a low tolerance for cheap booze and give it a twist of self-medication of prescription pills and weed. This gives us the end result of an apartment that is torn apart, a stereo turned up as high as it will go, and said gay boy passed the fuck out on his bed with all the lights still on. Good times.

When I got home, I saw that the TV was on as I opened the door. What I was not prepared for was the aroma of weed that would beat me about the face as if I owed it money. I walk into the living room to confront Alex for smoking outside of his room. Much to my surprise, Alex was not alone. No, this isn't surprising in and of itself. What was surprising that the TWO, count them 1-2, guys were not illegal latin immigrants. Holy white boys Gayman!

I located Alex, nearly passed out, on the couch. I said to him, "So, we smoke in the living room now?" His response? "Oh, I wasn't aware that this room belonged to your friend". He is so fucking lucky that I didn't walk over there and slap that shit-eating grin right off of his face. Instead, I walked back out of the room and started fuming. A few calls, and some aggressively folded laundry later, his friends left. As soon as the door shut behind them, I went to Alex's room to talk.

I knocked on his door and he told me to come in. He was already in bed with the lights off when I came in. I told him that I did not appreciate the way that he just disrespected me and to never do that again. He, of course, has no clue what I am talking about. I tell him why I am pissed and his response, instead of an apology, is to say that he has tolerated Nick staying on our couch for the last two months. First of all, this has not one fucking thing to do with Nick staying with us. This has everything to do with you showing ME no respect whatsoever. I have said from the day that we moved in together that I didn't want ANYONE smoking in the house. If he was going to smoke weed, I wanted him to do that shit in his room with the door closed. For a long time, he followed that and respected my request. Recently, he has been lax in that though. Not any more.

You see, I still have to live in this apartment after you move out in ten days. Please try and respect me and the fact that I will continue to live here even after you move out. His weird sense of logic then assumes that I am pissed that he had someone over to the house. Actually no. I couldn't care about that. In fact, I am happy that your awkward ass was able to make some equally freakish friends. That just means that you will be bugging me that much less when you want to go out.

I know this may come as a surprise to some of you reading this, but I really can't fucking wait for him to move out. November 29th and 30th cannot get here soon enough.

all that jazz

2005-11-20T22:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight I went on date number two with Scott. We went to Blue's Alley to see Maynard Ferguson, the jazz trumpeter, and it was fantastic. I was absolutely floored by how amazing he plays and the notes he can hit. It really made me miss playing the trumpet myself. I played the trumpet for eight years, from late elementary through my first year of college.

Some days I really miss that artistic release, but then I remember that I could never be bothered to actually practice and am over it. I definitely enjoyed the atmosphere and the amazing musicians that accompanied him. I will have to keep my eye on the paper and see if any other good musicians are coming through town.

The date itself went well. We met up an hour before the show and chatted over some drinks. We have plans to see each other again after Thanksgiving, so we'll see. Now, a completely different story is what I discovered when I got home. That is forth-coming in another blog. I refuse to sully this post with the negative energy and profanity that is about to spew from my fingers.

like it or not

2005-11-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today marks two weeks until Alex finally moves out of the apartment and out of my every day life for good. I really can't wait to be rid of him. Each day I go home and it seems that his mere presence is enough to infuriate me. I just need for him to be gone. Every little thing he does annoys the shit out of me. I cannot wait for him to live on his own and to see what a slob and a train-wreck he is to live with. It will be interesting to see what his place looks like with no one to come along and pick up after him.

Sure, I shouldn't be picking up after him right now. But, my OCD does not permit that at all. I can't stand it when the kitchen, bathroom or living room are a mess. The next two weeks are going to be a real test for me. As he starts packing up all of his shit, the apartment is going to an absolute mess. It is just a few more weeks though. I just need to keep telling myself that.

So, in my absence, Nick and I lived like rock stars for a week. We went out almost every night for at least a drink or two. No one can say that Birthday Extravaganza was dull. A few quick highlights from the week of festivities. Everyone's favorite seems to be me sneaking out of JR's into a cab because I knew that I couldn't do one more shot. Classic me moment.

By far, the best moment though was when my dad referred to Chris as she. Hilarious. I know that each of us looked at each other and fought off laughing. I can't wait for Chris to see the picture of him passed out on the couch.

Saturday brunch at my parents was also a big success. After a ton of food and drink, it was amusing for Nick and I to open our presents in front of everyone. Especially when one of my presents was the "Mr. Right When You Need Him" doll from my mother. As I pulled it out of the bag, I was thinking, do I pass this around or what? After all, Dad is sitting right there and who knows if he knew about this or not! Oh well, fuck it.

My family has also welcomed Nick into the family with open arms. My mom proudly referred to him as her adopted son at the Miss MD Pageant. Quick side note, my sister was fucking robbed of the crown this year. Eventually I'll post some pictures of her in her gown. There is no way that other girl was half as good as Lindsey was. Whatever.

I have been really withdrawn lately. I may not seem it, but I have been. I think that part of it is from the incredibly intense books I just finished reading. In the last two weeks I have read "A Million Little Pieces" and "My Friend Leonard" both by James Frey. If you haven't read AMLP yet, do yourself a favor, get off your ass and go read it. I can't tell you how intense a read this is. It is unreal to think that it is all true and that all of that happened to just one person.

After reading those two books, it helped to put a lot of things in perspective for me. The most ironic part of it all is that I ran into Travis (aka the recovering addict) while I was reading AMLP. The book covers the six weeks the author spent in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction. Of course that got me to thinking about Travis and the demons that he was battling. Then one day on my way to metro, there he was standing in front of me.

The conversation was definitely awkward. I did make sure to ask if he got his cell phone through the mail. He told me that after he left my parent's house, he went and checked himself back into a 28 day program. He said that being on their farm brought back a lot of memories from growing up on a farm in the midwest and it was too much for him to deal with. I told him not to worry about any of it nor to apologize for anything. I was just glad that he went right back into rehab and didn't spiral even more out of control. So glad that I did not even try to pursue that train-wreck any further though!

I feel like there are big things coming for me in my life. I have no clue what yet, but it is just a feeling that I have had lately. I think it is partly because my life is so routine and, dare I say it, boring, that something big must be coming. Please let it be that dream job of Janet Jackson back-up dancer making seven figures. Don't hold your breath kids.

you'll never stand alone

2005-10-23T17:15:00.000-04:00

Last night I headed out to Rockville for Jamie and Rodolfo's Halloween party. Once again, I showed up late so by the time I got there things were in full swing. Let me set the stage for a moment. Rodolfo lives in a beautiful five bedroom house and decided to turn the basement into the main party area. He rented a dance floor and hired a DJ, spent hundreds of dollars on liquor and hired a bartender. This was a recipe for disaster from the get-go.

Dianez picked me up from the metro and we drove over. We walked in and immediately went downstairs to the sounds of Vogue pumping through he speakers. There they were. Jamie, Matt and AJ, all three of them getting their lives and dolling out on the floor like it was their J-O-B. All I could do was watch and laugh. After that little performance I headed back upstairs to the bartender for the first Long Island of the night.

Best part of the party? All of Rodolfo's friends I met months ago who could not stop raving about how great I looked and how much weight I have lost. I don't even think that I have lost all that much or that I look drastically different, but I am not going to argue!

The Dj was really cool and willing to take any request. I scolded Jamie on the fact that I hadn't heard any Janet for the night and that was immediately corrected. "Together Again" and "All For You" later and I am pretty sure that the dance floor was en fuego. I also tore it up when I got the DJ to play Madonna's new sung "Hung Up". Dancing to it with the girls, I couldn't help but think that queens are really going to go ape shit over this song. I can't wait for the remixes.

At some point in the evening, Jamie pulled me aside to chat for a minute. He wanted to thank me for coming up to Hagerstown Tuesday evening for his grandmother's viewing. She passed away last Sunday after a long battle with cancer. I know that this has been very hard on Jamie since his grandmother was such a huge influence on and friend to him. He was saying it really meant a lot to him because he knows that I constantly have things going on in my life. I told him that I will always put my life on hold for him any time he needs me.

This really got me thinking about how lucky I am to have the friends that I have. I know that my bitches would be there at the drop of a hat if I needed them. And that does not even include Jamie. I feel so blessed to have known him all these years and am forever indebted to him for making into who I am today. I think Whitney said it best, "you'll never stand alone, I'll be standing by. I'll keep you from the cold, I'll hold you when you cry. I'll be there to be strong when you can't find the strength inside".

got til it's gone

2005-10-23T17:09:00.000-04:00

I'm finally back. I know that I was gone for a minute, but I really just needed to detach myself from everything. After the shenanigans of the weekend, I think that I can safely say that I am back in full force now.

Friday night I made plans to meet up with Jim and Diddle at Titan for the bear happy hour. In typical Bernie fashion, I arrived late, or on GCPT however you want to see it. I had one beer with them and checked out the crowd of bears. There were definitely a couple hot men there. I'll be going back again sometime.

From there, I parted ways with Jim and Diddle to go meet Leslie and John at Lauriol Plaza. I think that this was the point of no return for me. While we were all hanging out at the bar at Lauriol, I had the infamous Lauriol Sampler (aka margarita, mojito and sangria). I was definitely buzzed when I left them.

They headed off to Adams Morgan and I decided to pop into JR's for a night cap. Who was I kidding? No one goes to JR's for just one drink. I immediately headed upstairs for the restroom and when I came out the first people I saw were the black girls. I should have known I was done for! After a couple drinks and a couple shots with Richard and Matt, I was drunk. Not sloppy drunk, yet, just drunk enough for me to act up and not care.

There was a guy that I spotted earlier in the night and I couldn't stop staring at him. Eventually, I'd had enough alcohol for me to go over and talk to him. We talked for a bit and then he asked me to join him at Cobalt. I agreed and we were off. On the way over he told me he wasn't into one night stands and if that is what I was after I should probably go talk to someone else. I lied and said that was cool. Even though I was now drunk and horny.

We went to Cobalt and split up, so that we could each talk to friends we ran into there. I think I had one or two more drinks and then I knew that I was done. This is when my alter ego, Grace Jones, showed up for the first time since July. I can only imagine how pretty I must have looked stumbling down 17th St looking for a cab.

Fast forward and I am waking up on the bathroom floor, with Alex gently shaking me. Oh yeah, passed out on the floor and if that weren't good enough I apparently missed the toilet some when I was throwing up. Nope, don't remember that at all. Nor do I remember calling Manny & Olga's to order a sub and fries. Thank God Alex heard the door. Not that I was in any condition to eat at that point.

I crawled into bed and did not get out of it until 2 the next afternoon. I woke up once around 10:30 and I thought that my head was going to explode. Ahh, hangover, there you are old friend! Oh how I have missed you! Not really, but it was such a fun night and I am glad that I got that first drunk night out of my system.

All I can say now though is that everyone had better watch out during Birthday Extravaganza in a couple weeks. Things are going to be out of control crazy. Even though Friday night was a blast, I couldn't help but think how much better it would have been if I'd had my girls there with me. "Like Joni says, Don't it always seem to go . . . . "

take a chance on me

2005-10-10T21:08:00.000-04:00

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey, I'm still free. Take a chance on me"

I feel like a million thoughts have been going through my mind lately. First, where the fuck am I going to live come November 1? I suppose I can stay in my current apartment, or in worst case scenario move home (suppresses shudder). Secondly, when will I find a new job? Thirdly, am I really becoming a bear? Because I am pretty sure that I started my hibernation this weekend if so.

One thing that has been in the back of mind for months is what, if anything, will ever happen between Tipple B and I. We haven't dated in over three years now, even though, there has been this little part of me that always felt like we might get back together one day. I never had any set time-table for if/when this might happened, just that one day it may.

While I was out in Chicago, I had one morning to myself to wander the city and think some things out. One thing that kept coming to my mind was Triple B. No matter how much I tried to push it out of mind, it kept popping back up. Then last night, I think I'd finally had enough. As we had our normal Sunday night "how was your weekend" chat, things got a touch flirty. It was at this point that I decided I couldn't handle the what ifs and maybes any more.

When I got to work this morning, I started composing an email to him just to let him know what has been running through my mind and to see where he stands. It took me almost two hours, and multiple chats with friends over what to say. Finally, I said fuck it and sent the email. Then, because I am the most impatient person on earth, I went running so that I wouldn't sit staring at my Inbox, waiting for a response.

Low and behold, Triple B amazed me and actually called me to talk instead of just an email. Who knows what is going to happen from here, but we have tentative plans to meet for dinner and talk about all this in person. At least this will hopefully be one less then hanging in the balance when I try to sleep at night.

"I can't sleep at night, when you are on my mind."

r&b junkie

2005-10-07T16:34:00.000-04:00

So it is a full-on club up in my cubicle on the 9th floor right now. Clapping, snapping, feet stomping, dancing, dropping it till I'm taking it low (drop it, drop it). This is what happens when I make a playlist of all my Janet favorites.

Chicago

2005-10-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

This past weekend was absolutely everything that I needed in my life right now. It was so great to get away from everything for a few days of fun. I left work after lunch on Thursday and jumped on MARC for my flight out of BWI. I got to the airport more than two hours early, so I sat in the terminal on the phone with anyone that would entertain me. Thankfully, our plane was boarded early so I didn't have quite as long to sit.

A short two hour flight later and we were preparing to land. I found my way out of Midway to the train. After a moment of looking like a lost and confused tourist, I figured out the transit system and jumped on the appropriate train into the city. I called the hotel before our plane took off, so I knew exactly which stop at which to exit.

I got off at Grand and wandered around for a couple blocks, until I found a street map. Somehow I had managed to come out of the train and head in exactly the right direction. I found the hotel (Holiday Inn Chicago City Center for those interested) and went up to the room. At this point I was starving, so I decided to head out and find something to eat. I ended up on the Magnificent Mile and found something quick to take back to the room. After all, the OC was coming on and I had to see it. (Quick side note: this season has been very disappointing so far. Too much of it has been completely predictable. Not that I ask for a lot of high drama and suspense from the OC, but I don't expect this!!!).

Nick called once OC ended and said he was on his way home and that I should be ready to go out to Boys Town when he got to the hotel. I jumped in the shower and picked out my 'cute little outfit' (shout-out to L.I. Nik) and was ALMOST ready when Nick got home. Rome wasn't built in a day, nor were my stunning good looks. Hehehe. Nick got ready and called his college friend Dan to see if he would be joining us. Dan of course pussied out, saying blah blah it is already 9 and I have to work tomorrow, blah blah.

Since Dan wasn't joining us, Nick got online and found a couple bars for us to check out. We jumped in a cab and headed off for Boys Town. The first bar we stopped in was Cocktails. The reason I wanted to go was the sign promising $9 pitchers of vodka drinks. Excuse me. You obviously have never met the DC Mean Girls and do not understand how we love cheap vodka. When we got inside, we were treated with a very special bonus surprise. Gogo dancers.

I am never one to shy away from a naked or nearly naked man. However, strip clubs and the like make me a little bit uncomfortable. I feel dirty for watching them, even though I know that is what they are there for. The big dilemma is that I can't do all the filthy things to them that I want to do. Basically I see it as one big long cock tease without even being able to bring yourself off at the end. Regardless, we decided to stay for one pitcher.

The bar itself was tiny, no bigger than DIK Bar, and the stage was actually just a raised box in the back of the bar. The dancer on stage when we arrived was some Latin man. Not bad looking, but didn't get my blood boiling. Nick and I settled into our first drinks and sat back to watch the entertainment unfold. Little did we know what we were about to experience.

The next dancer up looked so much like a celebrity, but I couldn't figure out who. He was dirty blonde with hair to his shoulders, nice body, and slightly busted face. Then it hit me. He was a Poor Man's Kevin Sorbo, of TV's Conan the Barbarian. PMKS started his routine and Nick and I had to fight from laughing out loud. It was exactly that, a routine. He was doing Jazzercise on stage. And in between combos, smacking guys in the face with his cock. Lovely. As we looked around the room, we noticed more than one group of people laughing at his performance.

Once that pitcher was gone, we went across the street to Roscoe's. This place was similar to JR's in feel, only it was larger with a dance room in the back. It was there that they had a wet underwear contest. Nick and I hung around for a while, but by the time the show started, we couldn't see because so many people were crowded around the stage. Are the boys in Chicago that starved for dick??? I do not know. At some point in the evening though, we did see Shane, one of the gay guys from "Road Rules" and "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" 'fame'. He is still really cute, but has definitely gained weight.

We headed out of Roscoe's after a couple drinks, including a long island for me. Since I haven't drank at all in the last two months, I had to get my body ready for a full weekend of drinking. The next bar we went to was beside Cocktails, a bar called Sidetracks. This was a beautiful bar. It was the size or two JR's, maybe bigger, but newly renovated and completely modern looking. I really liked the space itself, but they were playing nothing but comedy clips. I love a good comedy bit, but a full night of them in a crowded bar is just more than I can handle. We didn't even stay long enough to get a drink there.

Back outside, we hailed a cab and headed back to our hotel. Nick still had a full day of work the next day and I had a full day of sight-seeing planned. Come Friday morning I woke up with the strangest sensation. My mouth was dry, my head was throbbing and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. Oh, hangover old friend, how I have missed thee.

I stayed in bed way longer than I should have, while Nick finished his work for the day. That afternoon we hit the streets hard. We walked north down the Magnificent Mile towards the Lake. We got the Hancock Building and decided to head up to the observation deck for a view of the city. Wow. It is incredibly beautiful from up there. It seems like you can see for miles in each direction. I was amazed at how big the Lake is. Sure, I have seen maps of it and all, but until you see it in person, it is hard to picture how big it truly is.

We had a late lunch/early dinner downstairs in the Cheesecake Factory. I know, here we are in Chicago and we went to Cheesecake Factory. But, by this point neither of us had eaten anything all day and we were starving. It is good we ate there though because otherwise we wouldn't have met Demetris "Dee" Hawkins.

A group of four women was sat at the table across from us and Nick and I immediately started staring. First, one of the women was dressed head to toe in pink. No lie, from her shoes to her lipstick she was a vision of pink. The other women each had on some colorful numbers, but none could compare to my aunt's blonde hair piece in the back. The women all ordered this big pink drinks and we couldn't help but ask what they were drinking. This opened the door for a little friendly cross-table conversation. It was then that Dee thrusted her card on us, so that we could get all of her information in case we wanted any Mary Kay. Of course. I suppose we would have figured it out if we had watched them get out of the pink Cadillac that must have been parked near by.

After eating like the starved fat girls we are, Nick and I hit the streets again. This time we were off to the Levi's store to try on the Offender jeans. The store didn't have any to try, and we were more than disappointed. From there we went to the Virgin Megastore. Nick's friend Tyler called us while we were in the store. He met us at the store and then we headed off to Boys Town to find some of the new 2(x)ist Flash underwear.

Poor Tyler. Nothing says fun for a straight man like underwear shopping with two gay men. We ended up at the Universal Gear out there and found the underwear, but of course they were all out of our sizes! Damn you Chicago gays!!! After what was surely an eternity to Tyler, we arranged to meet up with the rest of Nick's friends from college.

I was then introduced to all of Nick's closest friends from college, Sam, Dan, Lisa and Shannon. I pulled my usual introspective quiet act while they all caught up. After everyone ate, the group headed back to Lisa's while we went back to the hotel to get ready for the night. We met back up at Duffy's for a couple beers. Duffy's was a decent sports bar, with some really good music playing. I was so tempted to head to the back and start dancing, but I knew we were leaving soon.

We left Duffy's and headed over to "The Apartment", another bar/club. True to its name, the bar is designed to look like you are in someone's apartment. There is a tub with a shower curtain that is actually a beer tub. There are lots of couches in one corner that is made to look like a den. There was even a bedroom that I assume is for VIPs. Why it wasn't opened for us, I'll never know.

Once we got in there, I was suddenly a man on a mission. That was mission was one of extreme drunkenness. I think I had two beers in my hands at all times that entire night. Funny thing was that I never got wasted. I was definitely buzzed, but never out of control. I'm sure Nick was quite thankful for that! We stayed at Apartment, drinking and dancing, until all the lights came on. I don't think I talked to anyone once we got in there because I was too busy dancing with Lisa and her roommate. It is nights like that that I remember why I used to have so much fun being with my straight friends all the time.

As we left the bar, Nick and I parted ways with the rest of the group, in hopes of finding a bar still open in Boys Town. Nothing was open, and after a near trip to Pegasus in Greek town, we headed back to the hotel. The next morning Nick headed off to his college fair and I slept in. God I love being on vacation. I finally did wake up though and got my shit together. I had a lot of the city I still wanted to see, before we headed out of Chicago that afternoon. I walked around much of the city that morning and saw a majority of the sites in the city. I have to say that I really love the city of Chicago. If it weren't for those horrendous winters, I could easily see myself living there.

By 1:30, I decided to head back to the center of the city. I ended my day at Navy Pier, taking in all the sites. Especially the young sailors in white. Sea men. Yum. Hehe. Anyway, I met up with Nick for the end of the college fair and helped him take everything to the car. We headed back to the hotel to get our bags and then it was off to West Lafayette for the Purdue-Notre Dame football game that night. More on that and the rest of the weekend to come!

she's crafty

2005-09-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I escaped the city and went to Baltimore and then my parents house. I went to Baltimore to see Isabelle on her first birthday. She is so freaking ADORABLE!!! She had just started walking that day. I can't get over how big she is getting. I am more than a little jealous of Jeff and the life that he has now, a house, family, dog. You know, all that bullshit all-American dream stuff. Eh, my day will come.

After her party, I went back to my parents and just watched some TV before passing out. On Saturday, I went shopping with my parents to get the materials to reupholster some furniture. I am taking my mom's old dining room set for my new apartment. Oh right, the apartment that I still don't have. FYI, the place that we were looking at in Adams Morgan fell through. Apparently the landlords never check their messages and thought that we didn't want the place. Whatever.

So, mom and I picked out some fabric and paint for the chairs and table. We then had to run a couple other errands and didn't get home until almost dinner time. While mom made us dinner (God I love my mom's cooking), I started taking apart the chairs from the set. After dinner, it was officially time for Schwartz Family Craft Hour. Mom, Dad and I all sat at the kitchen table and reupholstered these four chair seats. Good times! Please try not to be jealous of my exciting Saturday night.

Actually, it was really fun to spend that time with my parents. They were telling me more stories from the cruise and showed me a couple pictures taken by eh ship photographer. In one picture, my mom had her girls proudly on display. I am pretty sure she was wearing just pasties underneath her suit jacket. Of course we were laughing about that. Hehe. Nothing says funny like your mom showing off too much cleavage to a boat of retirement age men!

All that family craft hour fun totally drained me, so I crashed pretty early Saturday night. On Sunday I got up and ran some more errands with my parents in the morning. When we got home, Lindsey was home to visit. We sat down and had a little family lunch, the first time we've all had a meal together in months. After lunch, my dad decided that Schwartz Family Craft Hour should become Schwartz Family Craft Weekend.

All of the apples on our property are ripe now, so mom and dad decided to make some apple sauce with 10 gallons of apples. My dad decided to use the rest to make apple cider in a apple press he bought last year. Yes, that's right. Sunday I spent the afternoon making apple sauce and then apple cider. Who does that? Besides the Amish anyway. Lindsey and I were cracking up laughing the whole time. We decided that when we apply for the Amazing Race, part of our video will be us making apple sauce and cider. Who wouldn't want us on TV, what with our amazing skills with apples and other farm chores!

All in all, it was a great weekend and a much needed vacation from everything that has been annoying me about the city lately. And now I have Chicago to look forward to in just two days.

can't take my eyes off you

2005-09-21T10:43:00.000-04:00

There he was, standing across from me. I hadn't seen him in about six months, but I recognized him immediately. We locked eyes and I almost melted inside. There is something about his eyes that drives me crazy. The way he looks at me, with such intensity and that hint of a grin, I just can't resist him.

We continue this little game for at least ten minutes. As far as I'm concerned, it is only he and I in the room. Nothing else exists around me. We continue staring at each other for a good five minutes. Neither of us willing to be the first to look away.

The way he looks at me drives me crazy. It makes me want to push people out of the way and ravage him right there. He isn't the hottest guy I've ever seen, not even someone that would necessarily stand out in a crowded bar. But, the intensity radiating behind his eyes is more than I can handle.

Eventually we part ways, still staring at each other until we can no longer see each other. Will I see him again? I hope so. DC is not that big, so the odds are in my favor. Next time I will approach him and at least find out his name. Moments like that should not be passed up.

crazy

2005-09-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

I should have posted this yesterday, but didn't have time at work. I ride the 80 Metro bus to work each morning. It is pretty ghetto, and I expect a certain amount of ghetto behavior each time I get on the bus. Yesterday was special though.

When I got on the bus, there was a man sitting in the first forward facing seat, speaking loudly. I had my iPod on, so I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. Once I sat down, I paused my shuffle to hear what he was yelling about. I heard something about Mike Tyson and god damn Magic Johnson I'll see you soon. What? This was when I realized we had a certified crazy on the bus.

As we continued down North Capitol St., I noticed that this man was wearing one blue latex glove on his left hand, with a hospital-type bracelet around his wrist. Then I noticed that he had a hospital gown draped across his lap. Did this dude just get released from the mental hospital? I was very glad I was not sitting anywhere next to him.

I paused my shuffle once more only to hear him cussing up a storm about something. At this point, the bus driver yelled at him and said that he didn't mind that he was talking, but no cussing. Huh? You call that talking? You have got to be kidding me. I guess he was afraid of what the guy would do if he told him to shut up.

The final coup de gras was when I was getting off the bus at work. The bus had stopped to wait for a light to change when the guy stood up and shouted "The fucking bus just won't move, so I guess I'll just have to shit here on the bus". Excuse me? He then started spreading out his hospital gown in front of him. Was this man really going to drop his pants and shit on the bus?

Unfortunately, I was already late for work and couldn't stay to watch the rest of this drama unfold. Who knows if he really did shit on the bus, but it was a morning ride that I will never forget. Gotta love the DC bus system.

shake it off

2005-09-16T22:03:00.000-04:00

I don't quite know what my deal is today. For some reason I am just not in the mood to be social and out with people in general. I am feeling very moody, and contemplative for some reason. Nothing horrible has happened this week. But nothing great happened this week either.

That is definitely part of the problem. I can't deal with not knowing where we stand on this damn apartment. It is driving me crazy. I am a very impatient person to begin with, so it is killing me that one week after submitting our applications we have no clue where we stand.

I was invited out to dinner with Nick and Schmoopy and wanted to go, but I knew that I wouldn't be much fun. Tonight is definitely one of those nights where I need to not leave my couch and just lose myself in a movie or something. I definitely need a night in the apartment alone though.

I think that some of my friends are beginning to think that I am a shut-in or something because I have not been out that much at all lately. I am not becoming anti-social or anything. That has nothing to do with it. I am just so tired of the sameness of it all.

Without the alcohol-haze to alter my perceptions of a night out, I see now that it really never changes any. I think that anyone playing the role of "sober sister" for a night can relate. Between this apartment uncertainty and the sameness of gay DC, something has got to give. Maybe it is time for me to take a break from the scene for a while and find some other diversions.

I haven't picked up my camera since San Francisco, even then that was the first time in over two years. I really miss the creative outlets that photography and, even more so, my dance classes gave me. I think it helped break up the monotony of the week. Maybe it is finally time for me to put the demons from summer 2004 behind me and return to Joy of Motion.

home ain't where his heart is (anymore)

2005-09-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

I am so sick of coming home to my apartment on First St. Mostly because it is on First St. I am tired of living in "red-hot Bloomingdale". No Craig's List, Bloomingdale is actually not red-hot. You aren't going fool me with your listing of "near Dupont" anymore. An apartment at S St. and North Capitol is NOT near Dupont!

It is not that my part of town is horrible. Actually, I think it is going to be a great place to live in another year or two. And if you have a car and are trying to settle down and raise a family. None of those things describe me right now. Yes, I want a family, but no way in hell that is happening in the next year or two.

Last night Nick and I were scheduled to view another apartment, but that fell through. Of course the place had already been rented. Instead, we decided to head out to Pentagon for a little shopping. Which is always better than staying home with my crazy roommate.

I don't think I'd be able to stomach my place at all anymore if it weren't for Nick being there to suffer through it with me. It makes things more bearable when you have someone to bitch to and who can relate to what you are going through.

I'm sure that through my constant bitching, I've painted Alex out to be this horrible person. He really isn't a bad guy, just socially awkward and we have completely different lifestyles. I am neat and orderly, he is a forgetful, slovenly pot-head.

It will be such a relief to get into a new apartment. Because I am all worked-up and stressed about finding a place, I have been eating like a fat-girl on the run from fat camp. Just look at the wonderful zits popping up on my face for the evidence! Good times. Hopefully, only a few more weeks of this though. I don't think that I can take much more! I have no clue how Nick has done it, living on couches for the last two months.

two of a kind, working on a full house

2005-09-14T14:06:00.000-04:00

Nick and I are still waiting on the edge of our seats for word on an apartment. Right now I feel completely unsettled. I haven't even started packing or anything, but I just feel like my life is changing, even though nothing really has changed. Yet. Part of the problem is that mentally I have already moved out of the apartment with Alex. I am beyond the point of even being able to tolerate living with him anymore. Even the tiniest little things are enough to set me off now. I just need to know one way or another if this place is going to be ours.

Then the real fun begins. I loathe packing, but I love unpacking, cleaning and organizing. I can't wait to get into a new place and decide where everything is going to go. I am one of those anal people who needs for the regular spoons, tea spoons and soup spoons to all be separated. God help you if you get them mixed up in the drawer!! hehe. OK, I am not THAT bad that I would blow up over something that little, but I will definitely come along and put them back "where they belong". Stupid things like that make me feel more at ease at home. OCD??? Probably. What can you do???

Last night Nick and I watched the movie, Crash. It was a great movie, one of those that makes you uncomfortable and keeps building up all this tension. Nick made a great point about how the movie took place in LA, but it could have easily been any city in the US. It really made me consider myself and my own racial prejudices.

Even though I grew up in a farm community with only about 10 minorities in a school of 2000, I never thought of myself as racist. I know that I have some prejudices, all of do to some degree, I think my parents did a phenomenal job raising three kids who are completely comfortable with people of all races, religions and any other differences. All three of us have "dated" (we will use that as a blanket term for this discussion) black men. If you saw where I grew up, you would see this as more of a miracle than as something normal in this day and age.

I am thankful for all of the things that my parents have done for me, but raising me to be an open-minded individual ranks high on that list. If I weren't so open-minded, I can't even imagine how many different people I'd have missed the opportunity to "date"!

confessions, pt. 2

2005-09-12T12:29:00.000-04:00

Just as I expected, my questions about Travis have answered themselves. My parents left on a cruise Saturday morning, so I went out to the house that afternoon to take care of the dogs for the night. I asked Travis to come out with me that night, so that we could hang out. I picked him up in Rockville and we had dinner with his rehab friend Stephanie. We had to pick her up because she is no longer living with her parents. Apparently she got drunk last week and her parents threw her out. Can we say drama?

So, after a quick dinner at Chipotle, Travis and I headed out to the hills of Carroll County. We started watching Sin City once we got home. Throughout the entire movie though, Travis would get up every twenty minutes or so and head to the bathroom, many times with his cup in hand. The first time I didn't think anything of it. Until he came back and I thought I smelled alcohol. As the night progresses, my suspicions only grew greater.

I couldn't prove that he was drinking for sure though. I sat there thinking to myself as to what I should do. At first I thought that I would be a prick and confront him about it. Then I decided that I am not his mother, his sponsor nor his nurse, so it is no business of mine. So I sat there thinking to myself, if you want to fuck up your life, go right ahead. Just know that you will not be dragging me down with you and I will not sit on the sidelines and watch you destroy what little life you have left.

We finally went to bed around 2, and of course by that time he was too drunk to even hook-up. Yes, I still wanted to hook-up with him. I sure as hell didn't invite him out to stay up all night discussing world politics. The next morning we woke up and he seemed fine. Nothing was said about his behavior the night before or anything.

After we were showered and dressed, we decided to watch another movie before I took him back to Rockville. Once again, the whole carrying my drink to the bathroom process started again. Yup, apparently he was drinking again at 10 AM. Awesome. We finished the movie and then went for a walk around the farm and through all the barns. The entire time, he was carrying around a can of "Coke" with him. I later found out this was full of wine. My parents wine.

When we left my parents, we stopped to get something to eat. During lunch, he asked me three times what I was doing Sunday night. Each time it was as if the previous time did not even happen. By the third time he asked, I was so frustrated that I considered telling him I had a bukake orgy planned for the night. When I finally dropped him off, I had decided that I was done with him and would not be seeing him again.

Alas, fate was conspiring against me. When we went to dinner with Steph on Saturday, she gave Travis a suitcase to take back to her parents house. Of course neither of us remembered it was in the trunk when I dropped him off. So, I had to go back to Rockville and drop that off. Thankfully, Steph's family was outside when I got there, so I gave it to them and didn't have to see him.

I got back to my parents house and started packing up my stuff to head back to the city. When I went out into the kitchen, I noticed that the bottle of wine on the counter was no longer there. I went and looked in the recycling and there it was. On the bright side, as Jim so wonderfully pointed out, at least he recycled.

Apparently the temptation of a bottle of wine on the counter was too great for him. That made me feel a little sad and guilty, like I should have known to lock up the alcohol in the house or something. But, then I realized that I am not responsible for his actions. If he thought it would be a problem, all he had to do was say something to me and I would have locked it up, no problem.

Upon further inspection of the house, I found his cell phone on the couch. Ugh, just great. Once more, fate is fucking with me. There is no way to avoid talking to him now. But, I will not have to see him because I am putting that phone in the mail today.

If he calls tonight, I'll explain to him that his phone is on its way to him and that I don't think it is a good idea for us to see each other any more. I will try to be diplomatic, but if he keeps pressing me, I'll let him know that he needs to work his shit out before he tries to date someone.

Thank God I had no expectations about this and found it all out very early, before I had a chance to make any sort of connection or attachments to him. Lesson learned.

take me out to the ballgame

2005-09-08T16:49:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am off to my very first Nationals game. Finally. I am really excited because I don't think that I have been to a baseball game since I moved out of Baltimore. True, I am not much of a sports fan, but there is something fun about going to a baseball game every once in a while.

In other news, I think the apartment hunt is finally over. I haven't said much about this until now, for fear of jinxing anything. I have been looking for an apartment with Nick for about a month now. Hopefully, all of the searching and uncertainty is about to end. All I want is to know where I will be calling home for the next year, at least. If all goes according to plan, we will be moved into our new place before the end of the month. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

The Percolator

2005-09-06T17:55:00.000-04:00

Highlight of a boring Tuesday back at work? My first ride on the Circulator bus across town. It is clean, and not filled with the usual assortment of characters you can find on the 80. Oh, AND it only costs $1. Do what? That's right, only one dollar. Very handy for the days I feel like taking a long lunch in China Town, or if I really feel motivated, for an afternoon of shopping in Georgetown.

The only way the Circulator could be improved would be to start a marketing campaign using "The Percolator" as its theme song. "It's time for the Circulator. It's time for the Circulator."

Confessions

2005-09-06T17:53:00.000-04:00

Last week, I met a guy. We will leave the how/where/when to another place and time. So I met Travis and we exchanged phone numbers. Having played this game a million times before, I had no expectations nor hopes about this being anything other than getting a phone number. Low and behold though, Travis called me the next day to get together. I was pleasantly surprised.

I called him back and setup a date for Saturday evening. We made no specific plans, but I had a couple ideas in mind for something that wasn't the typical dinner/drinks/movie type date. Saturday afternoon I called to reaffirm our plans and he told me that he had something planned for later that night, but that he wanted to see me that afternoon. I agreed, and soon was on metro to Rockville. Oh yes, I metro-ed out to MD to see this boy.

His roommate Stephanie and her friend came along with him to pick me up at metro. It was in the car that I had the biggest shock of the weekend. We were all having a very casual conversation when Stephanie mentioned that she hasn't seen any movies in the last year because she was away. I, being the curious bitch I am, asked where she was. Stephanie responds that she was in rehab. At this point, Travis turns to me and says that he and Stephanie met in rehab. All of this conversation was carried on as if they were explaining to me that the sky is blue.

Stunned doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I'm sure my face must have been priceless. I tried my best to recover and just go along with the flow. I think it is great that they both recognize they have problems and were doing something about it, I just didn't expect for that, nor for someone to be so nonchalant about the whole thing.

Now I have found myself in a position that I have never been in before. Do I continue to even talk to this guy or do I just write him off and leave it? On the one hand, it isn't fair to stop talking to someone just because they fucked up in their past. Who hasn't fucked up and done things they wish they hadn't? Then again, this is more than just a "damn, I can't believe I slept with THAT" type of past situation. This is something that he is going to basically spend the rest of his life confronting and battling.

I guess that right now it is simply too early for me to make that kind of decision. I probably will get together with him again. Who knows, he could have a sixth toe that I don't know about and have to send him packing anyway. Or, he could be someone really amazing and worth getting to know better. At least he was honest and up-front from the start. God, imagine finding all this out a month or two after dating!

Same Script, Different Cast

2005-08-29T15:24:00.001-04:00

The following blog is not meant to be an attack on anyone, just me venting some thoughts that occurred to me over the weekend. No matter how this blog comes across, I still love you Boo and your craziness.

I have this friend, we'll just call him Boo, and he is a touch crazy. 99.9% of the time, Boo is one of the funniest bitches you could hope to meet. But, then there is that other 0.01% of the time when he lets things get into his head and has a mini break-down. Not so fun for the rest of us. But hey, who hasn't had a mini break-down??? And aren't your friends supposed to be the ones who surround you and help pick up the pieces? Definitely, without a doubt.

But, it gets a little old when these seem to happen at least once a month. Boo has decided that he really wants a boyfriend. Great, I want you to find someone to love and who will love you. However, don't go thinking that some boy you met and made out with at a bar is definitely going to be your next boyfriend.

Maybe it is that I have been in DC a little longer and have seen how things work, or maybe it is that I was Boo a few years ago. Regardless, I know not to expect anything from someone that I meet in a club or bar. If something does come of meeting this person, great, if not I could care less. Boo though seems to take these as personal rejections, ie "I'm not (insert adjective here) enough". No Boo, you are beautiful the way you are. They just didn't see that for whatever reason, so fuck them and move on.

Another problem is that Boo tends to confuse wanting someone to love with someone to hook-up with. What's that, you're on a dick hunt tonight? More power to you sweetheart. Find him and ride him. But, don't then think that this gentleman will be your next boyfriend. As another friend has so eloquently stated, "You can't make a ho a housewife". I'm not judging you for your wanting to hook up. God knows I am the last person to have any right to judge people for that. Just go into this hook-up with realistic expectations.

Maybe it is also time to except that right now might not be the most ideal time to be dating someone. Right now, maybe it is best to focus on you and your life. And also your apartment, job, family and friends. Yes, we all want someone to cuddle with at night as we fall asleep. But, that does not mean that we should all be with someone right this moment. The time will come for you, I know it will, and he will be everything you hoped for. Just don't think that he is going to walk through the door of the bar each time we are out. The less you look for it, the more likely it is to come along and tap you on the shoulder.

One last time, Boo I love you and I only say this because I do love you. Sorry to the rest of you for this little venting, but it needed to be said.

Playboy Mommy

2005-08-29T15:24:00.000-04:00

After Tuesday night of seeing Dolly, you would think my excitement was pretty much over for the week. Nope, I was off to see Tori on Wednesday night. For me, going to see Tori is a religious experience. Let me rephrase that, it is spiritual experience.

I have seen her in concert eight times now and I am amazed by her talent each and every time. No matter the venue, I always find myself swept up in the music, with no sense of what is going on around me. I just sit there enjoying the music and suddenly realize that a few other people are there with me doing the same. It is an experience unlike any other concert experience I've had before.

This was quite possible one of my all-time favorite Tori concerts. She played at least half of my favorite songs, one that I thought I wouldn't ever get to hear her play live. No matter what she does, Tori will ALWAYS be one of my favorite artists and I will never pass up an opportunity to see her live.

I Will Always Love You . . . . Dolly

2005-08-29T15:21:00.000-04:00

Oh my God. What can I say about Dolly Parton in concert??? It was without a doubt one of the most fun concerts I have ever been to. Dolly has this infectious personality and it is impossible to not smile throughout her entire show. She sounded phenomenal and looked even better. If you have never seen her in concert, I strongly recommend it.

I didn't even know that I was going to the concert until Tuesday morning when I got to work. I had an email from my friend Darrin letting me know that he had gotten tickets after all. I was all fired up for the rest of the day. I had already accepted the fact that I wouldn't get to see her, so this was a welcome surprise.

After work Tuesday, I got my hair did and then headed over to meet up with Darrin and Company. Somehow we kept missing each other and I ended up walking to Constitution Hall from Judiciary Square (long story). I got to the concert hall right on time and met up with everyone. We went in and took our seats and waited for the opening act to start. They were OK, but definitely not what I paid $65 to see.

Finally the curtain dropped and there she was in all her big hair, big boob, bedazzled dress glory! She immediately launched into one of the covers off of her forth-coming album of songs from the 60s and 70s. She then stopped and talked to crowd for a bit and told us that she would play some of her old standards and some of the covers from her new album.

Next thing I know, she is rubbing her nails together for the start of 9 to 5. I was so giddy! Love that song, and that movie. The rest of the show was like this. Even though I didn't know every single song, I knew a lot more of them than I thought I would.

The best part of the show though was her interactions with the crowd. In between each and every song she would stop and tell a story about how that song was written, or why she decided to cover that song, or some other little story. It made it seem like you were just sitting around a camp fire or something with her leading a sing-along.

I know right now that some of my friends are rolling their eyes, thinking to themselves that there is no way they would go see a 60 year old country/blue grass singer. Well, to them I have to say, that is damn shame. You have no idea what a great time you are missing out on. The next time Dolly is in town, I know that I will be there singing and clapping along with half of gay DC.

six underground

2005-08-23T10:05:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched the final episode of Six Feet Under. Wow. It has been a really long time that a TV show has moved me the way that final episode did. The last few episodes have all been great, ever since Nate had the second stroke. But, last night was really moving and did a fantastic job of wrapping up the series.

For the final twenty minutes, I sat on the couch sobbing uncontrollably. Sure, I shed a tear or two when Queer as Folk ended a couple weeks ago. But, this was something different. As my friend Angel said, it really felt like you were saying good-bye to a part of your family. They were completely fucked up and sometimes annoyed the shit out of you, but you still got the sense that this was a real family some where with real problems.

After that sob-fest last night, I'm really glad I have two nights of gay icons to look forward to. Tonight I'm going to see the one and only Dolly Parton and then Tori tomorrow night. I don't know if I can handle them back-to-back!

Fernando

2005-08-22T20:51:00.000-04:00

"There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Fernando" - Fernando by ABBA

Oh my God! There was definitely something in the air this weekend. Was it the full moon? Was it the endless heat and humidity? I don't know, but it was one of the oddest weekends I had in a while. Really my week started last Sunday night when I stayed out entirely too late with the girls. Then stayed out way to late again Tuesday and Thursday nights as well. Quick side note, if you ever find yourself in SE at 2:30 AM on a Tuesday and need a cab, you better pray that Grace Jones is with you to hail that bitch from across the McDonald's parking lot.

By the time I got home from work on Friday I was ex-haust-ed. I couldn't even think about going out yet. I decided to take a quick nap, then plan out my night. Long story short, I never left the apartment and got more sleep than I've had in ages. Saturday I spent the day in solitude, enjoying an apartment free from Alex for the entire weekend. God Bless Gavin for taking him on all weekend long in NYC.

Saturday night I met up with Chris at McDoogal Hall. EJ and Christian came over to meet up with us. We finally headed out to JR's around 12:30. The girls and I settled into a spot and started enjoying our drinks when I was interrupted by a couple strangers. Out of nowhere this guy and girl come up to me, tap me on the shoulder and ask my name. I start talking to the two of them and find out they came over because they thought I was cute and wanted to talk to me. OK, gushing a little on the inside.

I find out that the boy is named Eric and has just moved to DC from New York. He is working for the Willard Hotel and has only been in town for a week. We continue chatting as the rest of my friends head off looking for other people to talk to. About and hour later and Eric was wasted. I told him that he should probably head home to get some sleep and that I would be happy to walk him outside to make sure he got into a cab. And that is exactly what I did, thank you very much. Of course no one believes me because we stood outside talking for a bit. Whatever bitches!

I went back inside, after getting Eric's number, and caught up with the girls. We decided to head over to Cobalt for possibly the most tragic time there ever. Something was wrong with the sound system and it was dead in there. After five minutes I decided to head back to JR's. Of course the girls followed me about ten minutes later, and we then proceeded to close JR's.

The next day I got up and went to check out an apartment. The place was beautiful, but a little out of our price range. The rest of the afternoon was spent shopping around Pentagon City with Fisty, aka Chris. I bought a couple CDs and a cute pair of black Puma's. We came back to McDoogal Hall and got ready to head back to . . . drum-roll please . . . JR's. Eric decided to meet us out there, so he got to meet the rest of the gang. For a few minutes I thought that he had fallen under the curse of Jeffrey Walker, but it didn't happen.

At some point during the evening, I 'apparently' told Eric that I would move into a place with him. Bitch, I don't remember that and I don't drink anymore! Aside from all of that, what would make you decide to move in with someone you just met the night before??? Crazy! I just blew that whole conversation off. He decided to leave at around 10 and I thought that I was leaving then too. We walked to the Willard and kissed good night, then I ended up back at JR's to meet up with Chuck and Christian.

This is where the night got really crazy. Chuck was interested in talking to one gentleman, so we approached their group. Somehow I ended up talking to the craziest person in all of JR's. This guy seriously creeped me out. He was one of those people that likes to tell you things about yourself. "You really like white teeth." Yes, busted, fuggly teeth are gross. Is that really that big of a stab in the dark though? Here is where he completely freaked me out. "You have a brother named Billy right?" Umm . . . no. Actually I have no brothers. "Well, ask your mom about that because you had a brother Billy and he visits you all the time." What the fuck??? Who the fuck are you and why are you still talking to me???

Thankfully, Chuck came over and saved me from this tragic mess. He then had the balls to still try and get my number. Actually, no. I try my hardest to not be rude to people and flat out reject them. I have been on both sides of that equation and try to be as polite as possible. Apparently that was the wrong approach to take with this psycho prick. Ugh. Never again. I will nip that shit in the bud much earlier next time.

I finally got home at 12:30 and could not wait to get into bed and put that night behind me! I really hope that wasn't setting the tone for the week to come. Regardless, I am seeing Tori on Wednesday, so that will be an amazing night capable of wiping away the worst week ever!

crucify

2005-08-12T14:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting at my desk today, "working", and listening to Tori's first album "Little Earthquakes". If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I absolutely adore Tori and her music. Yet, this album more so than any other is like therapy for me every time I listen to it. This morning I thought that things were going well and I had nothing left to blog about. I start listening to this album and suddenly all these thoughts come rushing to the surface that I didn't realize were there.

I don't even know what is going on with me right now, but I know that I feel something coming on. No, not a crazy emotional rollercoaster or anything, I just feel a change in myself coming. I am all antsy without knowing why. My life feels kind of like it is in a weird sort of stasis where things are about to change, but not quite yet.

I think part of it is coming from not drinking. Let me tell you what a huge change that has made already. First, I don't feel like my bank account is drained by the end of the weekend. Second, I really have started looking at going out differently. It is a strange experience to be out with all your friends just like before, yet to be completely sober. Interesting doesn't even begin to describe it. A friend told me last night that he could tell I've lost weight, in my face anyway. That is my biggest hope for this not drinking. I really want this to be the catalyst that gets me to lose the weight that I have talked about losing for years.

I know there is a lot more going on with me now though than just the not-drinking thing. I just feel like mentally I am changing somehow and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think I know what is happening and what I want, but I still need a little more time to think on it. No, I'm not turning straight or anything, I just think that I am finally decided the direction of my life in all aspects, work, love, social.

It is amazing to me how the simple act of listening to a CD can awaken all these thoughts that I had no clue were lying dormant all this time. I feel like I am finally ready to take control of my life and make something of myself. No more shitty job that drains me of all energy. No more hating myself when I wake up each morning because I don't have a perfect body. No more worrying about when/how/where I will meet someone. No more of that bullshit because now it is all about me living my life and being as happy as I possibly can.

"I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains"
Crucify - Tori Amos

mother & father

2005-08-09T16:30:00.000-04:00

I know, I haven't written anything since my many adventures in NYC, but I was sick part of last week and just didn't have the time to blog. While I was home sick last Wednesday, I caught up on some TV off Tivo. Quick aside, TiVo is my best friend. I can't imagine life without it now. I can't STAND to watch TV in real time.

Anyway, I decided to watch the most recent episode of Real World to see what happened to Danny. The previews showed him getting some bad news from home and I was curious as to what this could be. The Real World hasn't been 'real' in years, yet I always watch at least a couple episodes each season and then get fed up with them. This season in Austin has been no exception. Until this past week that is. Danny, the Boston boy, gets a call from his dad that his mom had died Valentine's morning from a heart attack. The rest of the episode was basically watching Danny have multiple break-downs and his roommates trying to find some way to comfort him.

As I'm laying on the couch watching this, I couldn't help but think, how would I react if I got a phone call today, telling me that one of my parents had just passed away. I'm sure I would be a basket-case. In the last few years, both my grandmothers and my great-uncle all passed away. I was relatively close with each of them, yet I didn't get that upset when any of them passed. Each of them were in their mid-eighties and it wasn't a real shock when they died. My parents though were both extremely distraught when their moms died. How could you not be?

I just really can't imagine dealing with the loss of a parent at this age. Even though I am not nearly as close to my father as I am with my mother, I just can't think of what my life would be like without him in it. Just the other day, we were in the car driving home and he was telling me how he was a fire safety consultant for 20th Century Fox on the set of "Tora, Tora, Tora". I never knew that. I know there are a million other stories that I have just never heard about my dad's early adulthood. The man lived in San Diego, Hawaii and Japan so there are probably hundreds of stories that I have just never asked about.

I know that people lose their parents all the time. Just sitting here, I can think of at least seven different friends who have already lost one of their parents. All of them have learned to deal with that pain and loss in some way. I guess I should just be thankful for the time I have had with my parents and look forward to the time I get to spend with them in the future.

On top of all these thoughts of my parents death, TV has forced me to think about parents losing one of their children. I am big fan of Six Feet Under and just two weeks ago, one of the main characters died. That really made me start thinking about my own "brush" with mortality and to think about how hard it was for my family to watch me go through two operations, not knowing what was going to happen to me.

My dad really brought the point home this weekend. He mentioned to me that the bill came from Johns Hopkins from the Cryogenics lab. When I went through all my testicular cancer in '99, I had sperm frozen, in case I was rendered in fertile for any reason. Thankfully, that was not an issue. But, it has always been somewhat of a comfort to me to know that I have some swimmers on ice, should I ever decide that I want kids of my own. Everything will all ready be taken care of on my part.

But this year, Hopkins has drastically raised their annual charge this year, and it is almost ridiculous for my parents to continue paying for this. I don't mind that my parents don't want to spend that money on something so seemingly trivial now, but it still was hard for me in a way. I just didn't want to let go of that little bit of my 'legacy'. It was a comfort to me to always have that there as a back-up.

Then again, it has been six years (Holy Shit! Just typing that, it is hard to believe that I have really been cancer free for six years.) since all of that and there is no need for it. I guess that I just have look at that as the last reminder of that time in my life and it is finally time for me let go of that and press forward.

Say My Name

2005-08-01T22:02:00.000-04:00

Nick, can you handle this? Bernie, can you handle this? I don't think you can handle this! Wooo!!!

DESTINY'S CHILD!!!!

Nick and I went to see D-Child last night at the MCI Center. I had such a fucking great time. Those three women were un-fucking-believable. I loved every single minute of the show. Nick and I didn't get to MCI until around 8:30. We decided to meet up at JR's for a pre-show drink, but of course his ass was working on GCPT. Normally I operate on GCPT too, but no ma'am, not on a night when I am going to see the one and only Beyonce live on stage!

Anyway, we walk in the arena and I fully expected for Mario to have finished his set and for Amerie to have at least started her set. We got to our seats and the house lights were on and no one was on stage. I thought, good we didn't miss Amerie. Boy was I wrong. Two minutes later, they started flashing up photos of D-Child on the screen as the lights dimmed. Of course the crowd, Nick and I included, went FUCKING NUTS. From that moment on, I don't think I sat down for more then 20 seconds while they changed sets or costumes.

The girls came up from under the stage and launched right into "Say My Name". From there the hits did not stop. Each of the girls even sang some of their solo songs. Of course my girl was the highlight. When she did "Dangerously In Love", I was damn near delirious with excitement and emotion. It is quite possibly one my favorite songs, and to hear Beyonce's phenomenal voice, singing it live, was completely surreal. The other highlight for me was when all three of them took us to church with "Through With Love". I was really looking forward to seeing them perform that song and they did not disappoint.

By the end of the show with "Lose My Breath", I really had lost my breath because I had not stopped dancing and singing the ENTIRE TIME. The show went on for two hours, and trust, each minute those bitches were up on stage singing and dancing, you better believe I was singing and dancing right along with them. If you missed the chance to see them live, don't miss the concert DVD or the inevitable concert special on cable. You will be glad you saw it.

I have two special shout outs from this show. First, John, thanks a million for the hook-up with the fabulous seats. If you're lucky, I'll take you out for a night of drinking at JR's and whisper some more dirty things in your ear. Second, and most importantly, to my twin sister Nick. Girl, I can't imagine going to that concert with any one else. I am so glad I shared those two hours with you and will always remember your shit-eating grin when they burst on to stage. Can't wait to share more magical moments, Together Again, when our girl tours next.

Fever

2005-08-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

This weekend was my last big weekend out. I am going to make some drastic changes in my life now, the biggest being I am not going to drink any more. That is not to say I won't have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after work. But, I am starting to take some medication for my cholesterol and I can't drink while on this. I also am really trying to lose some weight and figure that not being a lush can only help me with this. Besides all of that, it is actually fun to remember everything that happens each night and to not wake up hating life three mornings a week.

I decided that this weekend would be my last big weekend of drinking. I was planning to go up to New York to visit Nic and Rob. Nic's birthday was this weekend and I figured it would be a great excuse for one final weekend of debauchery. The debauchery actually started Thursday night when I met my friends John and Leslie for dinner and drinks. One strong pitcher of margaritas later and we were ready for power hour at JR's. Many drinks later, I thought that I was ready to head of to Apex for a night of dancing with Chris and Josh. This is when my body decided no, that wasn't going to happen.

I started feeling really achy and crappy. I could just tell that I was getting sick, not too much to drink sick, but really sick. Chris and I both decided that we just couldn't handle Apex, so we went home. When I got home, I just laid in bed with cold sweats. The next morning I woke up and felt fine, so I decided to go ahead with my planned trip to NYC.

That evening, when I finally got up there, Rob immediately made me a martini. Ahh. Sweet alcohol release. Rob's new boyfriend Matt showed up and we all sat around to chat for a bit. Eventually we got ready to head out for the night. After a false start at the bar Shore for free drinks that never materialized, we headed off to Pyramid to meet up with Nic and everyone else. I had no clue what to expect, other than the fact they Pyramid would be playing 80s music.

When we arrived, I realized that the block was familiar to me. Turns out the Cock used to be right across the street. Oh, what a time I had at the Cock this spring. Another story for another day. So, we went into Pyramid and grabbed a drink. For whatever reason, I just couldn't drink it. After about five minutes, I started feeling really crappy and my forehead was on fire. Rob took me across the street for some cold medicine in the hopes that I would feel a little better.
When we got back into the club, Janet's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" was just coming on. I immediately headed to the dancefloor and tore it up. The music did not let up after that. I am pretty sure that I just sweat out my fever because about an hour later I felt fine. I decided though that I shouldn't drink any more. So, I was sober for the entire night.

Friday night was exactly what I needed, not only for the music, but also for my self-esteem. I was hit on by at least three different guys. Here I am, sweating and in and out of fevers, and people are all up in my shit! My friend EJ let me know that one of his friends 'fancied' me and he wanted to introduce me. We went over and met his friend Jeffrey who was very cute. He and I spent a while talking and then exchanged numbers.

Eventually Rob, Matt, myself and a few others headed out from Pyramid and headed over to Urge. If only I wasn't feeling so sick, I'm sure I could have made a new 'friend' in there. Talk about a cruisy bar. We didn't stay long though because every one bored. Finally, around 5 we got home and went to bed. The next day, Rob and Matt were hung over and I was still feverish. We met up with Nathan and sat on his roof deck, with a beautiful view of the city.
After naps while watching MTV's Sweet 16, we got up and started getting ready for Nic's birthday party at his place in Hell's Kitchen. We showed up at the party fashionably late, and things were in full swing. Nic's apartment is a nice sized two bedroom and we sure did turn that living room into a full-on dance floor. I got it in that living room like it was my J-O-B. Of course since Nic and I have the same music tastes, every song was a great dance song that I love.

My new friend Jeffrey, from Friday night, came to the party on Saturday to hang out with me again. He and I chatted for a while, but then the call of the music was irresistible. I left Jeffrey talking to Chris, while I danced with the rest of the shirtless buff boys. Later that night, Chris let me know that Jeffrey told him that "I have a huge crush on Bernie". What? You just met me less than 24 hours ago. Ok, whatever. But, in the back of my mind it did send up a tiny warning flag. Another flag went off when he asked me, for the fifth time, when I'd be back in the city and how often I visit. OK, I hope I haven't misrepresented myself here. I am not exactly looking to meet someone to date who lives in NYC while I am in DC. Whatever, I decided to just roll with it and see where the night would lead me.

Turns out the night led me to his little efficiency in the Village. We got there and laid on his bed and just kissed for a while. Then things got a little more intimate. I must say, I really kind of lost my passion when he BIT MY ARMPIT!!! WHAT??? Umm, no. Actually, I am not into BDSM and I'd thank you to not try to Mike Tyson off my earlobe or to rip a hunk of flesh from my armpit. That is the point when I just wanted things to wrap up as quickly as possible so that i could get some sleep.

Thankfully, my wish was answered. The next morning I got up bright and early and went back to Rob's. Thank God he was already awake and ready for a serious session of girl-talk. We moved up to his roof for a great view of the city and some sun-bathing. This was probably my favorite part of the weekend away, just laying in the sun, he and I chatting about everything and nothing. Loved it. A few hours later, Chris and I packed our shit and headed up to Port Authority to catch the bus. Ugh. I hate Greyhound, but it is so freaking cheap and really doesn't take too long.

I came back to DC Sunday evening and realized that at some point in my life, I will have to live in NYC. This weekend showed me that I am more adapt to city life than I ever thought I was. It definitely won't happen today or tomorrow (I'm talking to you Gloria), but one day.

dirty filthy

2005-07-21T15:41:00.000-04:00

Below is the exact reason that I need new friends in my life. This is an email from a "friend", who will remain anonymous, about his/her adventures last night. Filth, pure filth. No one should be subjected to such filth before noon on a Thursday!

"we did what two men do in the privacy of the bedroom...but only this morning...last night we were kinda wasted so we blew each other and then I sat on his chest and shot my load all over him and then this morning I woke up got it hard and put him inside me...."

I need new, God-fearing friends I tell you!!!

northern lad

2005-07-21T15:39:00.000-04:00

Let's just put this out there right now. I am a huge dork and a big fan of the Harry Potter books, and movies. I fought this for as long as I could, but finally in January of '03, I read the first four books while traveling across Spain and France. I was immediately hooked. I only brought the first three books with and finished them within a few days. I made my sister run all over Madrid with me, looking for the fourth book in English. Yes, I suppose could have read it in Spanish, but I didn't feel like putting forth the effort.

Last Thursday I decided I should re-read book 5 so that it would be fresh in my mind for when the new one was delivered to me on Saturday. I was very ambitious and wanted to read 980 pages in just two days. I did it in two and a half days. I spent my night Friday and entire day Saturday reading, just waiting for my book to arrive. It never did. I wasn't too upset because I still had some of book 5 to finish. When I woke up Sunday morning, book 5 finished, there was still no sign of my book.

No big deal. I hit the town with the girls and did our usual brunch, to JR's, followed by shenanigans routine. When I finally got home late Sunday night, there was my book waiting for me. Apparently the boys upstairs had it the entire time. It was delivered on Saturday, but no one bothered to come down and let me know!!! I was just a little bit pissed about this.
I immediately ripped the package open and started reading. Not the best idea after a full day and night of drinking. After struggling through the first chapter, I gave up and passed out.

Monday morning I started in on the book with a vengeance. I would leave my desk for 30 minutes at a time and sneak to the lobby just to read a couple chapters. By Tuesday at 10 PM, I was already done with book 6. The book was amazing. Very fast paced, even more so than the last couple books. I also thought that this book did more to explain past events than any of the other previous books.

Now though, I am sad for a couple reasons. First, the book definitely ends on a sadder note than any of the previous books. I mean, who wouldn't be depressed about Hermione carrying Snape's baby??? KIDDING!!! I think the more depressing thought to me though is that there is only one more Potter book left. Ridiculous right? Bernie, you are a grown man. Why are depressed about the end of a series of children's books??? All I can say is that these books have captivated me in a way few other books have, at least not since my teens when I read for fun, on average, a book a week.

When I finished the book, I had this anxious feeling that I could not escape. For some reason I was hyper and pacing around the house, almost as if hoping that the 7th book would mysteriously appear in front of me. Just goes to show how impatient I am. Thank God Dan Brown has a new Robert Landon book coming out soon. That should keep me entertained for two or three days, depending on how much reading I can do at work!

Music

2005-07-15T17:57:00.000-04:00

Last night I was walking with the gang from JR's to Green Lantern. On our walk over, I placed a call to a friend to discuss something stupid. As I'm talking to this friend, he overhears the girls singing in front of me and asks what is going on. I explain that we are walking up the street and the girls are singing. He starts laughing and asks if any of us can talk about anything other than house music and drinking. I laugh and say yes, we actually do have real conversations (and no I'm not talking about the usual Friday morning "I remember/don't remember").

Yes, many times we seem very shallow and superficial on the surface. But, there is so much more that we have all hidden for various reasons. This little exchange really got me thinking. I am a music fanatic. I'll be the first person to admit that. One of my favorite memories is when I was four or five. Every Saturday morning Chris and Mom would be in the kitchen preparing lunch, and I'd be standing in the middle of the room, watching American Bandstand and dancing. That is probably one of my very first musical memories.

In middle school, I would listen to the top 5 songs each and every night. I even went so far as to keep a notebook and record the top 5 every night. I know, such a dork. Then there are the 'dance recitals' that Lindsey and I would give. Two of our best were Janet's 'Miss You Much' and Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted'. For two little kids, we gave some FIERCE choreography! (Side note, how my family didn't know I was gay back then is beyone me!)

Fast forward to freshman year of college. That winter I went to Frostburg for my first of many visits to see Liz. While up there, I met someone who has had more impact on my life than anyone else outside my family. I was introduced to Jamie the minute I came in the door. Little did I know Liz and Co. were using him to test and see if he thought I was gay. Deep down, I was petrified to meet him because I thought he would know the minute we met. He did. But, he didn't say so. Later that night, he and I ended up going out to get something to eat. Three hours later and we are still sitting in the parking lot discussing music and life. That is when I finally confessed that I had occasionally thought about being with men.

MUCH later that night, we were in Jamie's room, listening to Celine Dion's CD "Falling Into You", when Liz came knocking on the door looking for me. I thought for sure that I was busted and that my life was over. But, they went away and didn't find out about it until I finally broke down and confessed to Liz weeks later (we 69'ed!). For the rest of my life, whenever I hear a song from that Celine CD I will forever think of Jamie and that one pivotal night in my life.

That is not the only example of musical memories in my life, just one of the best. Music will ALWAYS be a huge part of who I am. I damn near had a mental breakdown last weekend when I broke my mp3 player. 4500 songs gone. What the fuck was I going to do without it? Of course I immediately ran out and bought an iPod shuffle, to get me through the next few weeks until I can afford a 40 gig model. To me a day without music is pure hell.

Last night, back at JR's, Mariah's 'We Belong Together' came on. I bought her new album three days before it came out and have listened to it daily ever since. Love it. From my reaction though, you would have thought it was the first time I was hearing the song. I can't get enough of it right now. I probably heard it at least two times prior to that point in the evening. I didn't care. I immediately started singing along and was off in my own little world. The girls love to joke about how I zone EVERYTHING out when a song I love comes on. That is me though.

Music has always been such an escape for me. I don't care who is around or watching, if it is a song I love, I'm going to sing. And most likely dance. Judge me all you want, I am happy and will enjoy the song. I know that people were looking at me last night, but I just didn't give a shit. I only hope that those people have something that fills them with the kind of joy with which a good song fills me.

bootylicious

2005-07-11T17:55:00.000-04:00

I don't think your ready for this jelly, because my body's too bootylicious baby.

Yeah, I'm big boned-ed. What of it? Well, apparently that means I ain't gonna get no play. You know, most days I accept this fact and just roll with the punches. For whatever reason, this weekend it really got to me.

I haven't ever been happy with my body. Not since puberty started. I'm sure that this is true with most people. "I hate my ear lobes" or "I have chicken legs" blah blah. Everyone always has that one thing that they dislike about themselves. But me, I hate everything about my body. Most of it is a weight issue.

When I was sick with cancer in Spain, I lost over 80 pounds. I have pictures of myself from the day I left and the day I returned. I looked like a completely different person. Yet, even after losing all of that weight, I was still over-weight. Numerous times I have tried dieting and/or exercising. I'll have varying degrees of success, but eventually I give up and put it back on.

My problem is that I love to eat. I definitely use food as a comfort. Like last night when I came home drunk and depressed. What did I do? Oh, I ate those fucking feelings away. Now this morning I feel disgusting and hate myself even more. So, I'll probably try not eating for the next day or two and then gorge when I can't take it any longer.

Why so many issues now? Because it seems like no matter when I meet someone, I'm immediately judged as the fat friend and put in that 'great to talk to, never to fuck' category. Great. That is fine most of the time, but for whatever reason all I wanted was a little action this weekend. Not even the dirty dirty, just some making out. That never killed anyone right??? Nope, not to be. And that's fine. In the long run, I realize it is probably for the best.

I would just love for once in my life to walk into a bar and have everyone look at me and undress me with their eyes, instead of layering more clothing on me with their eyes. I know, shut and snap the fuck out of your pity party already. I just really had to get this shit off my chest this morning. I think I need to just take a complete break from the bar scene and get my shit in order. All going out does is depress me even more as I watch my friends find love (read hot gay sex) and I go home and eat another five or six feelings.

I'm sure that I'll never have that six pack abs or any massive pecs, but maybe I can get my body to a point where I don't look in the mirror and cringe.

Me, Myself and I

2005-07-11T17:52:00.000-04:00

I hate living with a roommate. I am reaching the breaking point with Alex right now. This weekend was like the final nail in the coffin. Friday night he (of course) had no plans so his plans became those of the girls and I. All we wanted was a chill night to hang out, eat our feelings and watch some good movies. Alex comes home and immediately joins us as if he was invited.

Now, I get it that he lives there too and pays rent just like I do. Fine. But, when you haven't left the fucking apartment in six days, not even to go to work, it gets a little bit annoying that I can't even have my friends over without him all up in my shit.

Thankfully, he went into his room when we decided to watch Finding Neverland. I thought that would be the last of him for the evening. Nope. Wrong again. He must have come out of his room at least ten times. To smoke, then to pee, then a million times to come out and eat most of the Oreos. Without asking if he could have some. Finally, I reached my breaking point and told him to just take the cookies into his room with him. That is when he asked if I minded if he had some. Nice. BTW, I just ate half your cookies. Do you mind? No bitch. Get that shit and get out of my face.

I can't stand him. Saturday I was able to avoid him all day long. We went out to my parents that afternoon for dinner. I love going home. It is always such a great escape for me to just get away for a few hours, see my dogs and my family. I always come back to the city in such a better mood. By the time I got back to the apartment that night, Alex was already out with his friend Gavin. He left me a message to come and meet them at JR's, but there was no way that was going to happen.

By the time Nick and I got back to the house after going out, Alex and Gavin were already in bed. When we went to the living room, it looked as if they had torn every article of clothing from their bodies right at the door and just left it there. Another example of how fucking inconsiderate he is. Fine, I get you are coming home drunk and ready to get some, but really is it so fucking hard to take your big pile of clothes into your room with you??? The next morning I discovered they had brought a trick home with them to share.

I left the house as quickly as I could to avoid spending more time than necessary with them. I already had brunch plans with the girls and Emily (Hi Em!) at the Beacon. This is my one little secret from Alex. He knows that we go to brunch all the time, but he didn't know where. Until yesterday. I got a message from him midway through brunch that he was trying to find out where I go to brunch. I just deleted the message and was going to call him after brunch and say that I had no reception and was just getting his message.

Nope, about half an hour later they all walked in. I almost shit my pants and cried. The best part about it all though was that he had the audacity to invite said latin trick from the night before to brunch! We were dying. Gavin stopped over to say hi to us all and to apologize for what a mess they left in the apartment. When he did, I asked why the hell they brought the trick to brunch. He had no idea and wasn't really happy about it. Ugh, that's Alex for you though.

So, moral to the story is that I CANNOT live with someone again. I don't care how broke I will be, I will not have another roommate. I can't do it anymore. I need my own space. In just a few months this dream will become a reality.

it's over now

2005-06-30T10:59:00.000-04:00

I sat waiting for weeks for the 23rd of June to arrive. Now it has come and gone, seemingly in the blink of an eye. Last Wednesday after work, the girls and I packed our bags and descended upon McDoogal Hall for one final night of partying in Dupont before we flew out to San Francisco for Pride the following morning. Chuck, Nick and I tore it up at hip-hop night at Chaos until close. Then we came back to Chuck's for a little beauty shop and Broadway musicals. Nothing screams gay like make-overs and Aida!

By 5 AM, we were all dressed and hitting the streets to Dulles. Stress Me Out Sue made her first of many appearances that morning. Man that bitch can move! Anyway, our journey out to San Francisco was largely uneventful. We got to Chris's house in Berkley around 1 and were back in San Francisco by 3 that afternoon. We walked around downtown for a bit and then decided to head over to the Castro for happy hour before going home to change and then go out for the night.

That never happened. Two for one happy hour is all I can say. I know that we started at The Bar. I vaguely recall walking into Daddy's. Next thing I know, I'm waking up Friday morning on a mattress in Chris's basement. The large gap that I am missing from that night goes something like this. Blah blah making out with Jess blah blah turning green on BART blah blah miraculously throwing up in trash can on BART platform at North Berkley blah blah passing out on floor. Good times!

Friday morning we all woke up pretty early to head back into San Francisco for a day of sight-seeing and shopping. That night we were all excited to go out, but at the last minute it almost didn't happen. We gave the fans what they demanded though. There may have been some flirting and then shaming at Daddy's. There may also have been some juniper berries consumed throughout the night. We finished the night at the End Up, a club that opens Friday night and doesn't close until Monday morning. I'm sure you can only imagine the crowd there. It was fun, expect for all the whackos that decided we looked like we needed a new best friend.

Saturday was more shopping and sight-seeing during the day. That night, we went to the Pink Party in the Castro. It was unreal. There were so many people out and about in the streets. I loved it for the spectacle, but it was damn near impossible to get into any bars, much less get a drink. Nick and I parked ourselves in the back of Daddy's and actually had a great time people watching and dancing to an eclectic mix of music.

Later, we met with Chris and Chuck to head to the Opening Party, along with the cousins. Those bitches are so evil. They were all whispering for us to act up. When Deborah hit the stage at 2 AM, I was only about eight feet away. It was at that point that I decided that I really needed to give it my all. Boy did I ever. I was dancing harder than Deborah's back-up dancers on stage with her. I was dancing so hard that I apparently knocked the Gatorade from someone's hand. All I remember is that I was en fuego the entire time she was on stage. It was phenomenal.

From The main party, we headed over to an after hours party, after a brief unintended foot tour of downtown at 6 AM Sunday morning. The after hours was fun, but we were all pretty spent from the main party so we only stayed about two hours. That was plenty of time for us all to stare at the amazingly hot bartender in nothing but a Speedo. Yum. I get a little weak in the knees just thinking about him! ;)

We went back to Berkeley, at 9 AM on BART, still in our club clothes, as the rest of the world is starting their day. After a disco nap, we got back up and went back into town for the street festival. The festival was even more amazing than the Pink Party. It was about fifteen blocks of downtown San Francisco blocked off and full of people, booths and stages. Deborah performed again, and was as fantastic as the night before. Love her and can't wait for some new music!

After a few hours of people watching, we were ready to head home and gear up for the closing party. After dinner, everyone laid down to relax and take a short nap. Those short naps turned into full on sleep. When everyone finally got up after 11, we had less than an hour for all four of us to get ready and out the door. Somehow we pulled it off. We got to the closing party, cousins in tow, around 1 AM. When you walked in the door, it was like walking into a locker room sauna. It was a mixture of sweat and humidity you can't find anywhere else. By the end of the night, we learned that they didn't turn the AC on at all that night. I'm sure you can only imagine how hot it was.

Regardless, we danced that night like our lives depended on it. I have NEVER danced so hard in my life. I don't think that even my girls were ready for the moves that were pouring out of me. I am not sure what it was, but for the first time in my life, I completely let go of all my inhibitions and just tore the shit out of that dance floor. David Knapp was an awesome DJ. There was not one song that I wasn't getting into. We finally left the club shortly before 6 AM.

When we walked out into the grey light of morning, we were completely drenched in sweat. My jeans were SOAKED from top to bottom. It looked like I was just emerging from a swimming pool, with all of my clothes on. We walked down to BART to start our final journey back to North Berkley. The rest of the world was starting their Monday mornings, coming into work. I can only imagine how pretty we must have looked!

After a shower and a nap, we woke up around 11 and packed everything to leave. We made it to the airport and found the flight before ours had been delayed. We managed to get on this earlier flight (which ended up taking off at the time of our scheduled flight). After over 12 hours of dancing in 24 hours, a five hour plane ride is not fun, to say the least. We finally touched down at Dulles at midnight. Almost two hours later and I was walking in the door to my apartment.

I still think about little things from the weekend and crack up laughing. There has only been one other vacation that even comes close to how great this one was. I had the absolute time of my life and I couldn't have asked for three better friends to share it with. Love you girls!!! Thanks for making my first true Pride magical and memorable!

naughty girl

2005-06-22T16:54:00.000-04:00

I couldnt' better describe how I am feeling right now if I tried.

I'm feelin sexy
I wanna hear you say my name boy
If you can reach me
You can feel my burning flame
I'm feelin kind of n-a-s-t-y
I might just take you home with me
Baby the minute i feel your energy
Your vibe's just taken over me
Start feelin so crazy babe
I feel the funk coming over me
I don't know what's gotten into me
The rhythm's got me feelin so crazy babe
Tonight i'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls
We're gonna turn this party out
I know you want my body
Tonight i'll be your naughty girl
I'm callin all my girls
I see you look me up and down
And i came to party