bootylicious

I don't think your ready for this jelly, because my body's too bootylicious baby.

Yeah, I'm big boned-ed. What of it? Well, apparently that means I ain't gonna get no play. You know, most days I accept this fact and just roll with the punches. For whatever reason, this weekend it really got to me.

I haven't ever been happy with my body. Not since puberty started. I'm sure that this is true with most people. "I hate my ear lobes" or "I have chicken legs" blah blah. Everyone always has that one thing that they dislike about themselves. But me, I hate everything about my body. Most of it is a weight issue.

When I was sick with cancer in Spain, I lost over 80 pounds. I have pictures of myself from the day I left and the day I returned. I looked like a completely different person. Yet, even after losing all of that weight, I was still over-weight. Numerous times I have tried dieting and/or exercising. I'll have varying degrees of success, but eventually I give up and put it back on.

My problem is that I love to eat. I definitely use food as a comfort. Like last night when I came home drunk and depressed. What did I do? Oh, I ate those fucking feelings away. Now this morning I feel disgusting and hate myself even more. So, I'll probably try not eating for the next day or two and then gorge when I can't take it any longer.

Why so many issues now? Because it seems like no matter when I meet someone, I'm immediately judged as the fat friend and put in that 'great to talk to, never to fuck' category. Great. That is fine most of the time, but for whatever reason all I wanted was a little action this weekend. Not even the dirty dirty, just some making out. That never killed anyone right??? Nope, not to be. And that's fine. In the long run, I realize it is probably for the best.

I would just love for once in my life to walk into a bar and have everyone look at me and undress me with their eyes, instead of layering more clothing on me with their eyes. I know, shut and snap the fuck out of your pity party already. I just really had to get this shit off my chest this morning. I think I need to just take a complete break from the bar scene and get my shit in order. All going out does is depress me even more as I watch my friends find love (read hot gay sex) and I go home and eat another five or six feelings.

I'm sure that I'll never have that six pack abs or any massive pecs, but maybe I can get my body to a point where I don't look in the mirror and cringe.