walk away, fighter

A little break before Part Two of the cancer story.

It hurts my soul / cause I can't let go / All these walls are cavin' in / I can't stop my sufferin' / I hate to show / that I lost control / Cause I keep goin' right back / to the one thing that I need, / oh I'm about to break / and I can't stop this ache / I'm addicted to your allure / And I'm fiending for a cure / Every step I take / leads to one mistake, / I keep going right back / to the one thing that I need, / oh I can't mend, / this torn state I'm in / Getting nothing in return, / what did I do to deserve / The pain of this slow burn / And everywhere I turn / I keep going right back / to the one thing that I need / To walk away from / I need to get away from ya, / Need to walk away from ya, Get away, walk away, walk away

When I, thought I knew you / Thinking, that you were true / I guess I, I couldn't trust / Called your bluff, / time is up' / Cause I've had enough / You were, there by my side / Always, down for the ride / But your, joy ride just came down in flames' / Cause your greed sold me out of shame, mmhmm / After all of the stealing and cheating / You probably think that I hold resentment for you / But, uh uh, oh no, you're wrong' / Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do / I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through / So I wanna say thank you' / Cause it makes me that much stronger / Makes me work a little bit harder / It makes me that much wiser / So thanks for making me a fighter / Made me learn a little bit faster / Made my skin a little bit thicker / Makes me that much smarter / So thanks for making me a fighter

One year ago, these two songs were my theme songs. I could not listen to them enough. I was going through something so painful that it made my cancer look like a vacation. First, just a little background to set the stage for the biggest betrayal of my life.

In June of 2003, I moved into my first apartment here in DC. Around that same time I made two friends. Let's call them Spotted C (female) and Chester (male). So, I met Chester at a gay club in town and Spotted C in my hip-hop dance class. It turned out that Chester and I actually work for the same company, so we became good friends very quickly. Of course we hooked up after about a week of knowing each other. Then I learn that he considers himself bi-sexual and isn't sure what he wants at the time. I say that is fine and agree to just be friends with him. Well, I'm sure you know how well that worked out. Months later, I am in love with him, secretly hoping he will wake up and decide to be with me.

As all of this is happening, I am hanging out more and more with Spotted C too. We get to be very close and she becomes my best fag-hag. So, I am turning to her all the time to talk about how much I want Chester, but realize deep down it won't happen. Like the idiot I am, I brought Chester and Spotted C together and we all started hanging out like a big happy dysfunctional family. Can you see where this story is going? I'm glad you can, because I sure didn't.

April 30, 2004, the three of us join Chester's sister and some of her friends for dinner at Marrakesh (which if you haven't been to yet, you must go sometime. It is fabulous seven or eight course traditional Moroccan meal, complete with professional belly dancers). After the meal, we went out to Five for dancing and drinking. By the time the club closed, we were all loaded and got in a cab back to Dupont. Somehow Spotted C ended up going back to Chester's that night. I knew something was fishy about it, but they both assured me that nothing was going on.

The next week was Spotted C's birthday. That Friday night we went out in Adams Morgan and got wasted. The more drunk we got, the more I was sure that something was going on between the two of them. That night we all crashed at Spotted's house. The following day, we were going out to my parent's house for the night while my parents were out of town. I got out there early and did some cleaning and cooking, then Spotted C, Chester and Big Man (Chester's friend we all got to know) came out later.

They all showed up hours later than I expected and were already loaded. They continued drinking and smoking while I picked up after them and sulked around the house. By 2:30, I had about enough and went to tell them I was going to bed. Since no one in my family smokes, I made them smoke outside. I went out to find everyone, but could only find Big Man. He said that Chester and Spotted C went running off into the fields. I started walking out in the fields, listening for them.

After a few minutes, I heard their voices and snuck up on them. What I saw still makes my stomach drop and my heart beat a little faster. There they were, on my parents farm, hooking up like the world was coming to an end. To say that I blew up is an understatement. First, I scared the shit out of them by screaming, what the fuck do you think you are doing? They both jumped apart and just sat there. I started laying into them then. After that, I just took off back to the house.

Over the next few days, I learned that this had happened before in October and then started up again in April. I couldn't believe that Spotted C sat there listening to me pour my heart out about this kid, the whole time she is sleeping with. I was crushed. I felt like my entire life had just been ripped away from me. For a few days, I was just kind of numb, going through the motions of life. Then I started listening to songs like Fighter and No More Drama. Those lyrics really got to me and I started chanting them to myself any time I started to feel down about everything. Needless to say, like in Fighter, I am such a better person now for everything that I went through. Now I have the best friends a person could possibly hope for, people who would never hurt me the way those two did.

Why bring all of this up now? Partly because this all happened just a little over a year ago. I have been thinking lately just how much my life has changed in the last year and how I am so much happier. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was in a serious depression before I even found out about Chester and Spotted C.

There is another reason though. Just the other night, my roommate let me know that he had dinner with Big Man, and Chester happened to be there as well. Chester, it seems, was drunk and started going on about how he loved me (as a friend) and wishes that we could be friends again. When I heard this at first, I was almost excited. I see Chester a few times a week at work, and it is completely awkward. Neither of us will even acknowledge the other's presence. It would be great to put everything behind us and speak again.

Then I gave it more thought and decided there is really no point. What do I hope to get out of speaking to either of them again? These were two people who hurt me over and over and over. A lot of times, I didn't even see it. But, as soon as shit hit the fan, some of my dearest friends came out and told me how they didn't like either of them and thought they treated me like shit. Do I really want to surround myself with people like that again? No, I don't. I am happy in my life right now and that happiness is partly due to the fact that they hurt me and made me grow into the person I am today. They can feel free to contact me if they like, but until then, "thanks for making me a fighter".