Music

Last night I was walking with the gang from JR's to Green Lantern. On our walk over, I placed a call to a friend to discuss something stupid. As I'm talking to this friend, he overhears the girls singing in front of me and asks what is going on. I explain that we are walking up the street and the girls are singing. He starts laughing and asks if any of us can talk about anything other than house music and drinking. I laugh and say yes, we actually do have real conversations (and no I'm not talking about the usual Friday morning "I remember/don't remember").

Yes, many times we seem very shallow and superficial on the surface. But, there is so much more that we have all hidden for various reasons. This little exchange really got me thinking. I am a music fanatic. I'll be the first person to admit that. One of my favorite memories is when I was four or five. Every Saturday morning Chris and Mom would be in the kitchen preparing lunch, and I'd be standing in the middle of the room, watching American Bandstand and dancing. That is probably one of my very first musical memories.

In middle school, I would listen to the top 5 songs each and every night. I even went so far as to keep a notebook and record the top 5 every night. I know, such a dork. Then there are the 'dance recitals' that Lindsey and I would give. Two of our best were Janet's 'Miss You Much' and Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted'. For two little kids, we gave some FIERCE choreography! (Side note, how my family didn't know I was gay back then is beyone me!)

Fast forward to freshman year of college. That winter I went to Frostburg for my first of many visits to see Liz. While up there, I met someone who has had more impact on my life than anyone else outside my family. I was introduced to Jamie the minute I came in the door. Little did I know Liz and Co. were using him to test and see if he thought I was gay. Deep down, I was petrified to meet him because I thought he would know the minute we met. He did. But, he didn't say so. Later that night, he and I ended up going out to get something to eat. Three hours later and we are still sitting in the parking lot discussing music and life. That is when I finally confessed that I had occasionally thought about being with men.

MUCH later that night, we were in Jamie's room, listening to Celine Dion's CD "Falling Into You", when Liz came knocking on the door looking for me. I thought for sure that I was busted and that my life was over. But, they went away and didn't find out about it until I finally broke down and confessed to Liz weeks later (we 69'ed!). For the rest of my life, whenever I hear a song from that Celine CD I will forever think of Jamie and that one pivotal night in my life.

That is not the only example of musical memories in my life, just one of the best. Music will ALWAYS be a huge part of who I am. I damn near had a mental breakdown last weekend when I broke my mp3 player. 4500 songs gone. What the fuck was I going to do without it? Of course I immediately ran out and bought an iPod shuffle, to get me through the next few weeks until I can afford a 40 gig model. To me a day without music is pure hell.

Last night, back at JR's, Mariah's 'We Belong Together' came on. I bought her new album three days before it came out and have listened to it daily ever since. Love it. From my reaction though, you would have thought it was the first time I was hearing the song. I can't get enough of it right now. I probably heard it at least two times prior to that point in the evening. I didn't care. I immediately started singing along and was off in my own little world. The girls love to joke about how I zone EVERYTHING out when a song I love comes on. That is me though.

Music has always been such an escape for me. I don't care who is around or watching, if it is a song I love, I'm going to sing. And most likely dance. Judge me all you want, I am happy and will enjoy the song. I know that people were looking at me last night, but I just didn't give a shit. I only hope that those people have something that fills them with the kind of joy with which a good song fills me.