crucify

I'm sitting at my desk today, "working", and listening to Tori's first album "Little Earthquakes". If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I absolutely adore Tori and her music. Yet, this album more so than any other is like therapy for me every time I listen to it. This morning I thought that things were going well and I had nothing left to blog about. I start listening to this album and suddenly all these thoughts come rushing to the surface that I didn't realize were there.

I don't even know what is going on with me right now, but I know that I feel something coming on. No, not a crazy emotional rollercoaster or anything, I just feel a change in myself coming. I am all antsy without knowing why. My life feels kind of like it is in a weird sort of stasis where things are about to change, but not quite yet.

I think part of it is coming from not drinking. Let me tell you what a huge change that has made already. First, I don't feel like my bank account is drained by the end of the weekend. Second, I really have started looking at going out differently. It is a strange experience to be out with all your friends just like before, yet to be completely sober. Interesting doesn't even begin to describe it. A friend told me last night that he could tell I've lost weight, in my face anyway. That is my biggest hope for this not drinking. I really want this to be the catalyst that gets me to lose the weight that I have talked about losing for years.

I know there is a lot more going on with me now though than just the not-drinking thing. I just feel like mentally I am changing somehow and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think I know what is happening and what I want, but I still need a little more time to think on it. No, I'm not turning straight or anything, I just think that I am finally decided the direction of my life in all aspects, work, love, social.

It is amazing to me how the simple act of listening to a CD can awaken all these thoughts that I had no clue were lying dormant all this time. I feel like I am finally ready to take control of my life and make something of myself. No more shitty job that drains me of all energy. No more hating myself when I wake up each morning because I don't have a perfect body. No more worrying about when/how/where I will meet someone. No more of that bullshit because now it is all about me living my life and being as happy as I possibly can.

"I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains"
Crucify - Tori Amos