mother

Last weekend, I got the text I was dreading. Quinn wrote to let me know that Jeff's mom passed away in her sleep on Friday night, the 13th. Quick background. My junior year of college I became best friends with Jeff, my little brother in the fraternity. He was dating this girl Quinn since high school and I eventually got to be really close to her as well. Jeff and I lived together for a year and were brothers in every sense of the word. His family was mine and vice versa. That was even true of Quinn's family.

I'll never forget, over Christmas break in late 99, Jeff came into my room after a serious bender and told me that his mom, Ellen, had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I suspected that something had been bothering him for a couple days, but waited for him to come to me. I was a little hurt that he didn't come to me sooner. I mean, who can better understand this than your best friend who has already beaten testicular cancer himself??? I understood that he needed time to digest it all though.

Over the years, his mom's health would yo-yo. I never pressed Jeff on the issue, and would only ask the innocent, how is your family, how is your mom, type of questions. Then I would get the full story from Quinn. I knew that she was under-going a lot of treatments because the cancer was spreading.

On New Years Day this year, I called Jeff to catch up after the holidays. During our chat, I asked the obligatory question about how his mom was. This is where Jeff departed from our well-worn script and let me know that his mom was not doing well at all. He told me how he accompanied his parents to her doctor and found out that she only had a few weeks to live. Jeff pretty much dropped everything at this point and stayed in Jersey with his family.

A few days later I talked to Quinn's best friend Melissa. She let me know that Ellen's condition had improved and they thought that the drim prognosis may have been caused by her being on improper meds. I then didn't think much about this, until the morning of the 14th when I woke up to Quinn's text telling me that Ellen passed in her sleep. I had to read the words three times just to final comprehend what I was reading.

I have experienced death more times than I would care to, but never a parent before. It has always been a grandparent who was sick, or great-uncle or aunt or something. I knew that Jeff's world was probably reeling, but in typical Jeff fashion, I also knew that he was keeping it all together to carry his brothers, his father and even his grandparents (who have now outlived both of their children). Talking to Melissa, she confirmed all of this.

I found out from her that the viewing would be held on Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning, with the funeral Wednesday afternoon. The family wanted to wait that long because Wednesday would have been Ellen's 54th birthday. Ugh, can it get any sadder? I came into work on Tuesday and informed my boss that I would be leaving that afternoon and not coming back until Thursday morning. My boss tried to give me some bullshit about how I couldn't take time off during quarterly statement period. Oh, the joys of working in the financial industry. I just went above his head to the director and got the time approved.

I jumped on MARC and met Melissa at Penn Station in Baltimore. We drove up to Jersey and went straight to Quinn's parent's house. This is where Jeff and Quinn were staying, in addition to the two of us. First, it was so good to see Jeff, Quinn, their adorable little girl Isabel, and Quinn's family. I really hate that the first time seeing any of them in months is because of the passing of Ellen.

The entire experience was difficult, moreso than I expected it to be. First, it was hard to see Jeff and his brothers in so much pain. Second, it really made me realize that this could be me one day soon. Both of my parents are in their 60's, nearly ten years older than Ellen was. Granted, she had a terminal illness, but you never know what tomorrow holds.

During the funeral, I started thinking about what I would do if I lost my mother. I decided that I would be an absolute wreck. I am very close to my mother, as I imagine many gay men are. I am close to my whole immediate family though. Death sucks and I will be wreck if any of them pass.

I also realized that of all my friends, seven of them have buried at least one of their parents. Five of them have buried their fathers. Roomie and I even had a little conversation about how I am one of the few people he knows whose parents are still alive and together. I am very lucky in that regard and I don't acknowledge that often enough.

I know there is more that I want to say about this, but I just can't make the words form into coherent thoughts.