not ready to make nice

First, I need to talk about how much I fucking love the new Dixie Chicks cd. Their single "Not Ready To Make Nice" is my song of the week. I think I have listened to it at least 40 times in the last two days. When Natalie's voice get's all emotional and loud, I can't help but feel the same way they do.

The funny thing about this song is how true it rings in so many aspects of my life. For example, the first couple lines are as follows:

"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting"

This song has so many great fucking lines, but I think that first couple lines speak the strongest. Tonight I was put to the ultimate test with forgiveness. Chester (AKA the bi-sexual boy I had a crush on for ever a year) was out at JR's tonight. Maybe after one or two (or eight) drinks, I decided to go up and talk to him. Keep in mind we haven't talked for more than two years, yet we work for the same company, just a few floors apart.

Was I nervous? Hell yeah. I had no clue what to say to him. Yet, I knew that he was in JR's, my comfort zone. After two years, I know that he knew JR's was the one place that was mine, always had been and always would be. I'm sure this sounds ridiculous to the average reader, but to those of you that have gone through a really messy break-up, you will know where I am coming from.

Anyway, I spotted Chester at JR's tonight around 8:30. Of course, by this time I'd been there for over two hours and had more than my fair share of alcohol. So, when I saw him it suddenly seemed like a good idea to go talk to him. And that is exactly what I did.

You would think that two years is plenty of time to get over everything. Yet, when I first talked to him tonight, all those old feelings came rushing right back. I crushed them immediately though. Here was someone who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. And yet becuase of his hurt and betrayl, I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for.

At the time, I was MISERABLE when everything went to shit with Chester and Spotted C. Now, I look back and see that the situation forced me out of my comfort zone, forced me to meet more gay men. Many of whom are my friends to this day. In fact, because of all the bullshit with them, I met Chuck on the 4th of July. My life hasn't been the same every since. For that I thank them for all that happened.

One of my closest friends told me tonight that I would eventually be disappointed in myself for talking to Chester tonight. I would like to disagree. I still think that Chester is fucked up in the head, and that he has a lot of issues to resolve. However, I don't think my civil conversation with him tonight compromises who I am. In fact, I think that it shows I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

For the last few months, I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues and self-hate. I'm still dealing with it today. Whenever I ran into Chester at work, I felt completely self-conscious, like I was unattractive and less than deserving of anyone. Well, tonight I got over all of that bullshit and approached him with all of the confidence in the world. I may never have a 28" waist, but I'll be damned if I'll ever let anyone ever allow me to feel less than beautiful. Tonight was my time to confront some demons from my past, to let those demons know that all they did was make me stronger and a better person.

Will Chester and I talk again? I don't know. Part of me hopes so, only because we see each other at work all too frequently not to speak. On the other hand, I think that I have proved that my life has only gotten a thousand times better since I shut he and Spotted C out.

I now need to thank all of my friends over the last two years, old and new friends, because you have truly made me feel loved and supported. I can't thank you enough for that feeling. A special thanks goes out to Chuck, Chris and Nick. I honestly don't know what I would do without the three of you in my life. Everyday I thank God for introducing me to the best friends a person could ever ask for.

Ok, enough with the drunk blogging. Sorry for this little trip folks!