Afraid

This post has been on my mind all week. I actually woke up in the middle of the night early this week with the foundations of this in mind.

It is almost surreal to be living with my family again. Especially since my little sister is living at home now too. I am back in my old room. A room I haven’t slept in since I went away to college. It is a big adjustment, especially since half of Lindsey’s crap from college is sitting in my room. All the pills of stuff, mine and Lindsey’s, make it impossible for me to feel settled.
Last night was a huge accomplishment for me. I actually folded all of my laundry and laid it out in organized piles on the spare bed. For a neat-freak, bordering on OCD, person like me this was huge.

Every night, I try to read at least a couple pages of a book before I fall asleep. Quick aside, I’m reading "Possible Side Effects" by Augusten Burroughs right now and it is awesome. After twenty or thirty minutes reading, I can usually pass out.

That is, until recently. I don’t know what it is about being in my old room, but I will start to fall asleep and then wake up completely after about 15 minutes. I’ll hear some strange sound and automatically assume someone is in the room with me. Of course, my heart is pounding and I’m frozen trying to hear the noise again, terrified that someone snuck into our house and into my room. Then I realize that I am crazier thank Whitney after a lesbian crack binge.

Even odder are the times when I wake up out of sleep because my leg twitched. I don’t mean a little twitch, I’m talking major jimmy leg. It is the strangest thing. I guess part of it is all that I’ve had on my mind lately. While trying to find a place to live, I’m still looking for a new job. It is so hard for me to stop thinking and just drift off to sleep. Thankfully, the apartment hunt may be over as early as next week.

More frightening than the nightmares I’ve had recently is what I realized driving home from work yesterday. I don’t’ know why, but it suddenly hit me just how terrified I am of any sort of emotional attachment to someone. I’m sure that just about everyone has had this feeling before. But, I think it is more serious than the usual, "I haven’t dated seriously in a while" feeling of emotional detachment. I can’t put it adequately into words, but it definitely remains in the back of my head.

Maybe I need to take a Rivers Cuomo or Paris Hilton vow of celibacy. Yes, I’ll stay celibate for exactly as long as Paris does. By that standard, I should be good for sex again before this blog even finishes posting.

On top of all that, World War III is seriously breaking out in the Middle East. Every night I listen to the news and become more and more concerned about the state of the world right now. Iran working to get nukes; North Korea preparing to launch them; Israel fighting wars on two of
its borders; and a "liberated" Iraq that is a bloodier mess than before we invaded.

Thank God this wasn’t a deep, heavy, over-drawn posting right??? Sorry to those of you still reading. I’ve been sitting on some of these thoughts for two weeks now and I just had to get them out.