not ready to make nice

First, I need to talk about how much I fucking love the new Dixie Chicks cd. Their single "Not Ready To Make Nice" is my song of the week. I think I have listened to it at least 40 times in the last two days. When Natalie's voice get's all emotional and loud, I can't help but feel the same way they do.

The funny thing about this song is how true it rings in so many aspects of my life. For example, the first couple lines are as follows:

"Forgive sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting"

This song has so many great fucking lines, but I think that first couple lines speak the strongest. Tonight I was put to the ultimate test with forgiveness. Chester (AKA the bi-sexual boy I had a crush on for ever a year) was out at JR's tonight. Maybe after one or two (or eight) drinks, I decided to go up and talk to him. Keep in mind we haven't talked for more than two years, yet we work for the same company, just a few floors apart.

Was I nervous? Hell yeah. I had no clue what to say to him. Yet, I knew that he was in JR's, my comfort zone. After two years, I know that he knew JR's was the one place that was mine, always had been and always would be. I'm sure this sounds ridiculous to the average reader, but to those of you that have gone through a really messy break-up, you will know where I am coming from.

Anyway, I spotted Chester at JR's tonight around 8:30. Of course, by this time I'd been there for over two hours and had more than my fair share of alcohol. So, when I saw him it suddenly seemed like a good idea to go talk to him. And that is exactly what I did.

You would think that two years is plenty of time to get over everything. Yet, when I first talked to him tonight, all those old feelings came rushing right back. I crushed them immediately though. Here was someone who hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. And yet becuase of his hurt and betrayl, I have some of the best friends I could ever hope for.

At the time, I was MISERABLE when everything went to shit with Chester and Spotted C. Now, I look back and see that the situation forced me out of my comfort zone, forced me to meet more gay men. Many of whom are my friends to this day. In fact, because of all the bullshit with them, I met Chuck on the 4th of July. My life hasn't been the same every since. For that I thank them for all that happened.

One of my closest friends told me tonight that I would eventually be disappointed in myself for talking to Chester tonight. I would like to disagree. I still think that Chester is fucked up in the head, and that he has a lot of issues to resolve. However, I don't think my civil conversation with him tonight compromises who I am. In fact, I think that it shows I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

For the last few months, I have been dealing with a lot of internal issues and self-hate. I'm still dealing with it today. Whenever I ran into Chester at work, I felt completely self-conscious, like I was unattractive and less than deserving of anyone. Well, tonight I got over all of that bullshit and approached him with all of the confidence in the world. I may never have a 28" waist, but I'll be damned if I'll ever let anyone ever allow me to feel less than beautiful. Tonight was my time to confront some demons from my past, to let those demons know that all they did was make me stronger and a better person.

Will Chester and I talk again? I don't know. Part of me hopes so, only because we see each other at work all too frequently not to speak. On the other hand, I think that I have proved that my life has only gotten a thousand times better since I shut he and Spotted C out.

I now need to thank all of my friends over the last two years, old and new friends, because you have truly made me feel loved and supported. I can't thank you enough for that feeling. A special thanks goes out to Chuck, Chris and Nick. I honestly don't know what I would do without the three of you in my life. Everyday I thank God for introducing me to the best friends a person could ever ask for.

Ok, enough with the drunk blogging. Sorry for this little trip folks!

Who's the prettiest of them all???

Sorry for the lack of updates lately. I've had a ton going on both in my life and in my head and just haven't found a good way to put it all down in a coherent form. Maybe if I get around to it I'll post some pictures of my sister's college graduation and of the cutest baby in the world riding on the rocking elephant I built for her with my own two hands. Impressed? You will be when you see my carpentry skills!

So, this story absolutely needs to be told. As this DYD kindly mentioned in this post, after our boozing on Sunday night, I lost my cell phone. I assumed that I had left it in the cab I took home. Oops! I was wrong. Five minutes ago, I'm tossing and turning in my bed, trying to fall asleep. That's when I feel something small and hard (minds out of the gutter people) next to me. What on earth? Oh yeah, that would be the missing cell phone. I guess there is something to be said for making your bed every morning.

The bad part of all this? I had the service suspended on Monday, thinking that my phone was in a cab, waiting for a random person to pick up and start using all my anytime minutes. "Is that what's hot? Using up all your anytime minutes?" The only good part about this whole situation is that I found out my contract is due to renew today (the 24th) and I get a $100 credit for a new phone. So, tomorrow I'll rejoin the world, have a new phone and not have to beg my friends to send me their phone numbers. God, I realize amaze myself sometimes with how pretty I am.

Oh, and my new laptop came last week and I am totally in love with it. Between the laptop and my video iPod, I think that I have died and gone to tech geek heaven.

Sunday morning

Shit! I can't believe I forgot to blog about this earlier. So, Sunday morning Poo-Dell and I are killing time, playing around on MySpace. We are checking out my nephew's page when Poo-Dell noticed that Zack mentions his "fiancée" in a picture caption. Excuse me?

I immediately went downstairs and called my sister. Apparently Zack just announced last week that he is "engaged" and bought this girl a ring. I have no clue what money he got her a ring with. Oh, and he is moving to BFE up-state New York to live with her and her grandmother.

I have no problems with him moving up there to live with this girl. I think it will be good for him to live away from home for a while and experience life. However, I do have a problem with him getting married at 18 to a girl he met online six months ago. I have an even bigger problem with the fact that suddenly it is MUCH more of a reality that I could be a great-uncle in the next year or two!! NO! I refuse to be great-uncle Bernie before I am 30!

This weekend I'm definitely going to sit down and have a little chat with Zack. I don't want to discourage him from moving to be with this girl. I don't even want to discourage their "engagement", but I do want to stress to him that there is no need to rush things. They are both still so young, 18 and 19 respectively, and they have so much ahead of them still. I would just hate to see him married with kids and then divorced before he is even legal to drink.

One dip or two?

This past weekend I was up in Boston with the twin sisters and one boyfriend. We had an absolute blast. Friday during the day we went to the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum and I loved every minute of it. So much, that the other three left me at the museum by myself for almost an hour. Sorry girls, but I didn't take eight art history classes in college for nothing. If you are ever in Boston, I highly recommend you check it out.

Friday night we went over to a friend's house for a good ole-fashioned straight house party. There was survivor flip-cup and everything. I was on fire and the lone survivor for my team. I ended up losing in the end, but I did pretty damn good for not having played in over a year! The party was a blast and I saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen since our trip to New Hampshire last January.

All of us were trashed when we finally stumbled down the street to get a cab. Now, DYD swears that I wanted some crab rangoon. Me thinks not. I don't do any type of seafood, so I don't think I'd suddenly be asking for it when I was drunk. Ladies, I'm still waiting for that pizza I was promised.

Saturday we walked around Chinatown and drove through some of the other parts of the city. Late that night we went out to see Tom Stephan and added some new holes to the dance floor at Rise. Our friends Paul and Effie joined up with us at the club. It was so great to see the two of them and I look forward to them moving closer to DC. The music was out of control. I didn't know what to expect from Tom Stephan, but he had me dancing the entire time.

Sunday afternoon we met up with Paul and Effie again, then stopped by Poo-Dell's house one last time, to say good-bye to his family. We found out there that our flight was delayed, and despite all our efforts, we couldn't get on an earlier flight. When we got to the airport, we did what any lady would do. We saddled up to the bar and started drinking.

When we boarded the plane, we were immediately picked out as homosexuals. I have no clue how either. Because we all bought our tickets separately, we were not sitting together. One of the three gay flight attendants (yes, apparently we were flying on PrideAir) offered to Poo-Dell to move me back to sit with him and the BF. The flight attendant then made this old man WHO JUST HAD HIS HIP REPLACED move up to my row so I could go back and join them. Said flight attendant then threw six mini-bottles of vodka at us. Before the plane even pulled away from the terminal.

As all of this was going on, Leery McAttendant was checking the three of us out in that "JR's at midnight old man in the corner" way. When Poo-Dell went to use the restroom, Leery asked him if "[his] cute friend on the end of the aisle is single". Poo-Dell's response? "Single and ready to mingle". Thanks. But, if we continue to get free booze, I'm willing to take one for the team.

Best part of the flight? When we were leaving the plane. I was on the end of the aisle, so I got up first to take our bags down from the overhead. When I opened the compartment, the first thing I saw was Poo-Dell's bag of lube which had popped out of their luggage. Yes, I said bag of lube. On the flight up, their bottle of lube broke open in the zip-lock bag. Ever the lady though, Poo-Dell just dips right in for a quick fix. Do you take one dip or two?

I was hysterical laughing when I saw the lube first thing. The flight attendants didn't miss this either and held up a Bible at us, saying we needed help. I think that the two families around us were more than a little scared. Best flight ever. The night didn't end there, as we went to JR's until after 1 AM. There was even a follow-up night of drinking on Monday night at the new secret member's only Dupont gay bar. Needless to say, my liver is shot to hell. I'll be at Betty Ford if anyone needs me.