Same Script, Different Cast

The following blog is not meant to be an attack on anyone, just me venting some thoughts that occurred to me over the weekend. No matter how this blog comes across, I still love you Boo and your craziness.

I have this friend, we'll just call him Boo, and he is a touch crazy. 99.9% of the time, Boo is one of the funniest bitches you could hope to meet. But, then there is that other 0.01% of the time when he lets things get into his head and has a mini break-down. Not so fun for the rest of us. But hey, who hasn't had a mini break-down??? And aren't your friends supposed to be the ones who surround you and help pick up the pieces? Definitely, without a doubt.

But, it gets a little old when these seem to happen at least once a month. Boo has decided that he really wants a boyfriend. Great, I want you to find someone to love and who will love you. However, don't go thinking that some boy you met and made out with at a bar is definitely going to be your next boyfriend.

Maybe it is that I have been in DC a little longer and have seen how things work, or maybe it is that I was Boo a few years ago. Regardless, I know not to expect anything from someone that I meet in a club or bar. If something does come of meeting this person, great, if not I could care less. Boo though seems to take these as personal rejections, ie "I'm not (insert adjective here) enough". No Boo, you are beautiful the way you are. They just didn't see that for whatever reason, so fuck them and move on.

Another problem is that Boo tends to confuse wanting someone to love with someone to hook-up with. What's that, you're on a dick hunt tonight? More power to you sweetheart. Find him and ride him. But, don't then think that this gentleman will be your next boyfriend. As another friend has so eloquently stated, "You can't make a ho a housewife". I'm not judging you for your wanting to hook up. God knows I am the last person to have any right to judge people for that. Just go into this hook-up with realistic expectations.

Maybe it is also time to except that right now might not be the most ideal time to be dating someone. Right now, maybe it is best to focus on you and your life. And also your apartment, job, family and friends. Yes, we all want someone to cuddle with at night as we fall asleep. But, that does not mean that we should all be with someone right this moment. The time will come for you, I know it will, and he will be everything you hoped for. Just don't think that he is going to walk through the door of the bar each time we are out. The less you look for it, the more likely it is to come along and tap you on the shoulder.

One last time, Boo I love you and I only say this because I do love you. Sorry to the rest of you for this little venting, but it needed to be said.

Playboy Mommy

After Tuesday night of seeing Dolly, you would think my excitement was pretty much over for the week. Nope, I was off to see Tori on Wednesday night. For me, going to see Tori is a religious experience. Let me rephrase that, it is spiritual experience.

I have seen her in concert eight times now and I am amazed by her talent each and every time. No matter the venue, I always find myself swept up in the music, with no sense of what is going on around me. I just sit there enjoying the music and suddenly realize that a few other people are there with me doing the same. It is an experience unlike any other concert experience I've had before.

This was quite possible one of my all-time favorite Tori concerts. She played at least half of my favorite songs, one that I thought I wouldn't ever get to hear her play live. No matter what she does, Tori will ALWAYS be one of my favorite artists and I will never pass up an opportunity to see her live.

I Will Always Love You . . . . Dolly

Oh my God. What can I say about Dolly Parton in concert??? It was without a doubt one of the most fun concerts I have ever been to. Dolly has this infectious personality and it is impossible to not smile throughout her entire show. She sounded phenomenal and looked even better. If you have never seen her in concert, I strongly recommend it.

I didn't even know that I was going to the concert until Tuesday morning when I got to work. I had an email from my friend Darrin letting me know that he had gotten tickets after all. I was all fired up for the rest of the day. I had already accepted the fact that I wouldn't get to see her, so this was a welcome surprise.

After work Tuesday, I got my hair did and then headed over to meet up with Darrin and Company. Somehow we kept missing each other and I ended up walking to Constitution Hall from Judiciary Square (long story). I got to the concert hall right on time and met up with everyone. We went in and took our seats and waited for the opening act to start. They were OK, but definitely not what I paid $65 to see.

Finally the curtain dropped and there she was in all her big hair, big boob, bedazzled dress glory! She immediately launched into one of the covers off of her forth-coming album of songs from the 60s and 70s. She then stopped and talked to crowd for a bit and told us that she would play some of her old standards and some of the covers from her new album.

Next thing I know, she is rubbing her nails together for the start of 9 to 5. I was so giddy! Love that song, and that movie. The rest of the show was like this. Even though I didn't know every single song, I knew a lot more of them than I thought I would.

The best part of the show though was her interactions with the crowd. In between each and every song she would stop and tell a story about how that song was written, or why she decided to cover that song, or some other little story. It made it seem like you were just sitting around a camp fire or something with her leading a sing-along.

I know right now that some of my friends are rolling their eyes, thinking to themselves that there is no way they would go see a 60 year old country/blue grass singer. Well, to them I have to say, that is damn shame. You have no idea what a great time you are missing out on. The next time Dolly is in town, I know that I will be there singing and clapping along with half of gay DC.

six underground

Last night I watched the final episode of Six Feet Under. Wow. It has been a really long time that a TV show has moved me the way that final episode did. The last few episodes have all been great, ever since Nate had the second stroke. But, last night was really moving and did a fantastic job of wrapping up the series.

For the final twenty minutes, I sat on the couch sobbing uncontrollably. Sure, I shed a tear or two when Queer as Folk ended a couple weeks ago. But, this was something different. As my friend Angel said, it really felt like you were saying good-bye to a part of your family. They were completely fucked up and sometimes annoyed the shit out of you, but you still got the sense that this was a real family some where with real problems.

After that sob-fest last night, I'm really glad I have two nights of gay icons to look forward to. Tonight I'm going to see the one and only Dolly Parton and then Tori tomorrow night. I don't know if I can handle them back-to-back!

Fernando

"There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Fernando" - Fernando by ABBA

Oh my God! There was definitely something in the air this weekend. Was it the full moon? Was it the endless heat and humidity? I don't know, but it was one of the oddest weekends I had in a while. Really my week started last Sunday night when I stayed out entirely too late with the girls. Then stayed out way to late again Tuesday and Thursday nights as well. Quick side note, if you ever find yourself in SE at 2:30 AM on a Tuesday and need a cab, you better pray that Grace Jones is with you to hail that bitch from across the McDonald's parking lot.

By the time I got home from work on Friday I was ex-haust-ed. I couldn't even think about going out yet. I decided to take a quick nap, then plan out my night. Long story short, I never left the apartment and got more sleep than I've had in ages. Saturday I spent the day in solitude, enjoying an apartment free from Alex for the entire weekend. God Bless Gavin for taking him on all weekend long in NYC.

Saturday night I met up with Chris at McDoogal Hall. EJ and Christian came over to meet up with us. We finally headed out to JR's around 12:30. The girls and I settled into a spot and started enjoying our drinks when I was interrupted by a couple strangers. Out of nowhere this guy and girl come up to me, tap me on the shoulder and ask my name. I start talking to the two of them and find out they came over because they thought I was cute and wanted to talk to me. OK, gushing a little on the inside.

I find out that the boy is named Eric and has just moved to DC from New York. He is working for the Willard Hotel and has only been in town for a week. We continue chatting as the rest of my friends head off looking for other people to talk to. About and hour later and Eric was wasted. I told him that he should probably head home to get some sleep and that I would be happy to walk him outside to make sure he got into a cab. And that is exactly what I did, thank you very much. Of course no one believes me because we stood outside talking for a bit. Whatever bitches!

I went back inside, after getting Eric's number, and caught up with the girls. We decided to head over to Cobalt for possibly the most tragic time there ever. Something was wrong with the sound system and it was dead in there. After five minutes I decided to head back to JR's. Of course the girls followed me about ten minutes later, and we then proceeded to close JR's.

The next day I got up and went to check out an apartment. The place was beautiful, but a little out of our price range. The rest of the afternoon was spent shopping around Pentagon City with Fisty, aka Chris. I bought a couple CDs and a cute pair of black Puma's. We came back to McDoogal Hall and got ready to head back to . . . drum-roll please . . . JR's. Eric decided to meet us out there, so he got to meet the rest of the gang. For a few minutes I thought that he had fallen under the curse of Jeffrey Walker, but it didn't happen.

At some point during the evening, I 'apparently' told Eric that I would move into a place with him. Bitch, I don't remember that and I don't drink anymore! Aside from all of that, what would make you decide to move in with someone you just met the night before??? Crazy! I just blew that whole conversation off. He decided to leave at around 10 and I thought that I was leaving then too. We walked to the Willard and kissed good night, then I ended up back at JR's to meet up with Chuck and Christian.

This is where the night got really crazy. Chuck was interested in talking to one gentleman, so we approached their group. Somehow I ended up talking to the craziest person in all of JR's. This guy seriously creeped me out. He was one of those people that likes to tell you things about yourself. "You really like white teeth." Yes, busted, fuggly teeth are gross. Is that really that big of a stab in the dark though? Here is where he completely freaked me out. "You have a brother named Billy right?" Umm . . . no. Actually I have no brothers. "Well, ask your mom about that because you had a brother Billy and he visits you all the time." What the fuck??? Who the fuck are you and why are you still talking to me???

Thankfully, Chuck came over and saved me from this tragic mess. He then had the balls to still try and get my number. Actually, no. I try my hardest to not be rude to people and flat out reject them. I have been on both sides of that equation and try to be as polite as possible. Apparently that was the wrong approach to take with this psycho prick. Ugh. Never again. I will nip that shit in the bud much earlier next time.

I finally got home at 12:30 and could not wait to get into bed and put that night behind me! I really hope that wasn't setting the tone for the week to come. Regardless, I am seeing Tori on Wednesday, so that will be an amazing night capable of wiping away the worst week ever!

crucify

I'm sitting at my desk today, "working", and listening to Tori's first album "Little Earthquakes". If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I absolutely adore Tori and her music. Yet, this album more so than any other is like therapy for me every time I listen to it. This morning I thought that things were going well and I had nothing left to blog about. I start listening to this album and suddenly all these thoughts come rushing to the surface that I didn't realize were there.

I don't even know what is going on with me right now, but I know that I feel something coming on. No, not a crazy emotional rollercoaster or anything, I just feel a change in myself coming. I am all antsy without knowing why. My life feels kind of like it is in a weird sort of stasis where things are about to change, but not quite yet.

I think part of it is coming from not drinking. Let me tell you what a huge change that has made already. First, I don't feel like my bank account is drained by the end of the weekend. Second, I really have started looking at going out differently. It is a strange experience to be out with all your friends just like before, yet to be completely sober. Interesting doesn't even begin to describe it. A friend told me last night that he could tell I've lost weight, in my face anyway. That is my biggest hope for this not drinking. I really want this to be the catalyst that gets me to lose the weight that I have talked about losing for years.

I know there is a lot more going on with me now though than just the not-drinking thing. I just feel like mentally I am changing somehow and I can't quite put my finger on it. I think I know what is happening and what I want, but I still need a little more time to think on it. No, I'm not turning straight or anything, I just think that I am finally decided the direction of my life in all aspects, work, love, social.

It is amazing to me how the simple act of listening to a CD can awaken all these thoughts that I had no clue were lying dormant all this time. I feel like I am finally ready to take control of my life and make something of myself. No more shitty job that drains me of all energy. No more hating myself when I wake up each morning because I don't have a perfect body. No more worrying about when/how/where I will meet someone. No more of that bullshit because now it is all about me living my life and being as happy as I possibly can.

"I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains"
Crucify - Tori Amos

mother & father

I know, I haven't written anything since my many adventures in NYC, but I was sick part of last week and just didn't have the time to blog. While I was home sick last Wednesday, I caught up on some TV off Tivo. Quick aside, TiVo is my best friend. I can't imagine life without it now. I can't STAND to watch TV in real time.

Anyway, I decided to watch the most recent episode of Real World to see what happened to Danny. The previews showed him getting some bad news from home and I was curious as to what this could be. The Real World hasn't been 'real' in years, yet I always watch at least a couple episodes each season and then get fed up with them. This season in Austin has been no exception. Until this past week that is. Danny, the Boston boy, gets a call from his dad that his mom had died Valentine's morning from a heart attack. The rest of the episode was basically watching Danny have multiple break-downs and his roommates trying to find some way to comfort him.

As I'm laying on the couch watching this, I couldn't help but think, how would I react if I got a phone call today, telling me that one of my parents had just passed away. I'm sure I would be a basket-case. In the last few years, both my grandmothers and my great-uncle all passed away. I was relatively close with each of them, yet I didn't get that upset when any of them passed. Each of them were in their mid-eighties and it wasn't a real shock when they died. My parents though were both extremely distraught when their moms died. How could you not be?

I just really can't imagine dealing with the loss of a parent at this age. Even though I am not nearly as close to my father as I am with my mother, I just can't think of what my life would be like without him in it. Just the other day, we were in the car driving home and he was telling me how he was a fire safety consultant for 20th Century Fox on the set of "Tora, Tora, Tora". I never knew that. I know there are a million other stories that I have just never heard about my dad's early adulthood. The man lived in San Diego, Hawaii and Japan so there are probably hundreds of stories that I have just never asked about.

I know that people lose their parents all the time. Just sitting here, I can think of at least seven different friends who have already lost one of their parents. All of them have learned to deal with that pain and loss in some way. I guess I should just be thankful for the time I have had with my parents and look forward to the time I get to spend with them in the future.

On top of all these thoughts of my parents death, TV has forced me to think about parents losing one of their children. I am big fan of Six Feet Under and just two weeks ago, one of the main characters died. That really made me start thinking about my own "brush" with mortality and to think about how hard it was for my family to watch me go through two operations, not knowing what was going to happen to me.

My dad really brought the point home this weekend. He mentioned to me that the bill came from Johns Hopkins from the Cryogenics lab. When I went through all my testicular cancer in '99, I had sperm frozen, in case I was rendered in fertile for any reason. Thankfully, that was not an issue. But, it has always been somewhat of a comfort to me to know that I have some swimmers on ice, should I ever decide that I want kids of my own. Everything will all ready be taken care of on my part.

But this year, Hopkins has drastically raised their annual charge this year, and it is almost ridiculous for my parents to continue paying for this. I don't mind that my parents don't want to spend that money on something so seemingly trivial now, but it still was hard for me in a way. I just didn't want to let go of that little bit of my 'legacy'. It was a comfort to me to always have that there as a back-up.

Then again, it has been six years (Holy Shit! Just typing that, it is hard to believe that I have really been cancer free for six years.) since all of that and there is no need for it. I guess that I just have look at that as the last reminder of that time in my life and it is finally time for me let go of that and press forward.

Say My Name

Nick, can you handle this? Bernie, can you handle this? I don't think you can handle this! Wooo!!!

DESTINY'S CHILD!!!!

Nick and I went to see D-Child last night at the MCI Center. I had such a fucking great time. Those three women were un-fucking-believable. I loved every single minute of the show. Nick and I didn't get to MCI until around 8:30. We decided to meet up at JR's for a pre-show drink, but of course his ass was working on GCPT. Normally I operate on GCPT too, but no ma'am, not on a night when I am going to see the one and only Beyonce live on stage!

Anyway, we walk in the arena and I fully expected for Mario to have finished his set and for Amerie to have at least started her set. We got to our seats and the house lights were on and no one was on stage. I thought, good we didn't miss Amerie. Boy was I wrong. Two minutes later, they started flashing up photos of D-Child on the screen as the lights dimmed. Of course the crowd, Nick and I included, went FUCKING NUTS. From that moment on, I don't think I sat down for more then 20 seconds while they changed sets or costumes.

The girls came up from under the stage and launched right into "Say My Name". From there the hits did not stop. Each of the girls even sang some of their solo songs. Of course my girl was the highlight. When she did "Dangerously In Love", I was damn near delirious with excitement and emotion. It is quite possibly one my favorite songs, and to hear Beyonce's phenomenal voice, singing it live, was completely surreal. The other highlight for me was when all three of them took us to church with "Through With Love". I was really looking forward to seeing them perform that song and they did not disappoint.

By the end of the show with "Lose My Breath", I really had lost my breath because I had not stopped dancing and singing the ENTIRE TIME. The show went on for two hours, and trust, each minute those bitches were up on stage singing and dancing, you better believe I was singing and dancing right along with them. If you missed the chance to see them live, don't miss the concert DVD or the inevitable concert special on cable. You will be glad you saw it.

I have two special shout outs from this show. First, John, thanks a million for the hook-up with the fabulous seats. If you're lucky, I'll take you out for a night of drinking at JR's and whisper some more dirty things in your ear. Second, and most importantly, to my twin sister Nick. Girl, I can't imagine going to that concert with any one else. I am so glad I shared those two hours with you and will always remember your shit-eating grin when they burst on to stage. Can't wait to share more magical moments, Together Again, when our girl tours next.

Fever

This weekend was my last big weekend out. I am going to make some drastic changes in my life now, the biggest being I am not going to drink any more. That is not to say I won't have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after work. But, I am starting to take some medication for my cholesterol and I can't drink while on this. I also am really trying to lose some weight and figure that not being a lush can only help me with this. Besides all of that, it is actually fun to remember everything that happens each night and to not wake up hating life three mornings a week.

I decided that this weekend would be my last big weekend of drinking. I was planning to go up to New York to visit Nic and Rob. Nic's birthday was this weekend and I figured it would be a great excuse for one final weekend of debauchery. The debauchery actually started Thursday night when I met my friends John and Leslie for dinner and drinks. One strong pitcher of margaritas later and we were ready for power hour at JR's. Many drinks later, I thought that I was ready to head of to Apex for a night of dancing with Chris and Josh. This is when my body decided no, that wasn't going to happen.

I started feeling really achy and crappy. I could just tell that I was getting sick, not too much to drink sick, but really sick. Chris and I both decided that we just couldn't handle Apex, so we went home. When I got home, I just laid in bed with cold sweats. The next morning I woke up and felt fine, so I decided to go ahead with my planned trip to NYC.

That evening, when I finally got up there, Rob immediately made me a martini. Ahh. Sweet alcohol release. Rob's new boyfriend Matt showed up and we all sat around to chat for a bit. Eventually we got ready to head out for the night. After a false start at the bar Shore for free drinks that never materialized, we headed off to Pyramid to meet up with Nic and everyone else. I had no clue what to expect, other than the fact they Pyramid would be playing 80s music.

When we arrived, I realized that the block was familiar to me. Turns out the Cock used to be right across the street. Oh, what a time I had at the Cock this spring. Another story for another day. So, we went into Pyramid and grabbed a drink. For whatever reason, I just couldn't drink it. After about five minutes, I started feeling really crappy and my forehead was on fire. Rob took me across the street for some cold medicine in the hopes that I would feel a little better.
When we got back into the club, Janet's "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" was just coming on. I immediately headed to the dancefloor and tore it up. The music did not let up after that. I am pretty sure that I just sweat out my fever because about an hour later I felt fine. I decided though that I shouldn't drink any more. So, I was sober for the entire night.

Friday night was exactly what I needed, not only for the music, but also for my self-esteem. I was hit on by at least three different guys. Here I am, sweating and in and out of fevers, and people are all up in my shit! My friend EJ let me know that one of his friends 'fancied' me and he wanted to introduce me. We went over and met his friend Jeffrey who was very cute. He and I spent a while talking and then exchanged numbers.

Eventually Rob, Matt, myself and a few others headed out from Pyramid and headed over to Urge. If only I wasn't feeling so sick, I'm sure I could have made a new 'friend' in there. Talk about a cruisy bar. We didn't stay long though because every one bored. Finally, around 5 we got home and went to bed. The next day, Rob and Matt were hung over and I was still feverish. We met up with Nathan and sat on his roof deck, with a beautiful view of the city.
After naps while watching MTV's Sweet 16, we got up and started getting ready for Nic's birthday party at his place in Hell's Kitchen. We showed up at the party fashionably late, and things were in full swing. Nic's apartment is a nice sized two bedroom and we sure did turn that living room into a full-on dance floor. I got it in that living room like it was my J-O-B. Of course since Nic and I have the same music tastes, every song was a great dance song that I love.

My new friend Jeffrey, from Friday night, came to the party on Saturday to hang out with me again. He and I chatted for a while, but then the call of the music was irresistible. I left Jeffrey talking to Chris, while I danced with the rest of the shirtless buff boys. Later that night, Chris let me know that Jeffrey told him that "I have a huge crush on Bernie". What? You just met me less than 24 hours ago. Ok, whatever. But, in the back of my mind it did send up a tiny warning flag. Another flag went off when he asked me, for the fifth time, when I'd be back in the city and how often I visit. OK, I hope I haven't misrepresented myself here. I am not exactly looking to meet someone to date who lives in NYC while I am in DC. Whatever, I decided to just roll with it and see where the night would lead me.

Turns out the night led me to his little efficiency in the Village. We got there and laid on his bed and just kissed for a while. Then things got a little more intimate. I must say, I really kind of lost my passion when he BIT MY ARMPIT!!! WHAT??? Umm, no. Actually, I am not into BDSM and I'd thank you to not try to Mike Tyson off my earlobe or to rip a hunk of flesh from my armpit. That is the point when I just wanted things to wrap up as quickly as possible so that i could get some sleep.

Thankfully, my wish was answered. The next morning I got up bright and early and went back to Rob's. Thank God he was already awake and ready for a serious session of girl-talk. We moved up to his roof for a great view of the city and some sun-bathing. This was probably my favorite part of the weekend away, just laying in the sun, he and I chatting about everything and nothing. Loved it. A few hours later, Chris and I packed our shit and headed up to Port Authority to catch the bus. Ugh. I hate Greyhound, but it is so freaking cheap and really doesn't take too long.

I came back to DC Sunday evening and realized that at some point in my life, I will have to live in NYC. This weekend showed me that I am more adapt to city life than I ever thought I was. It definitely won't happen today or tomorrow (I'm talking to you Gloria), but one day.